To feel disappointed by my own parents?

[soulpunk]

This is probably trivial compared to some posts on here and I probably just need someone to tell me to get over myself but...

My folks are retired and look after DS (their only grandchild) 2 or 3 days a week while I work (I go in alternate Saturdays so it's a 2-day week for them). They've done it since my mat leave ended when he was 10 months, he's almost 2 now. I found out today after a big post-christmas "heart to heart" that they've been finding the childcare difficult. But instead of talking to me about it they've been moaning to my sister and instead of her telling them they're talking to the wrong daughter, she's just been dropping passive aggressive hints over xmas about how she looks after mom and dad and someone's got to do it etc etc. They are both in their 60s but neither have any major medical conditions or anything - the odd "bad knee" etc.

When I managed to get it out of them they admitted "it is difficult because we can't always do what we want but we've got through the hardest part and the end is in sight" (more or less paraphrasing what they said). I was waiting for them to say "but we love having him and wouldn't want it any other way" or something but they didn't. After I got really upset at this confession, they still didn't reassure me that they were happy to have him. Instead proceeded to take this moment to tell me they won't be able to do the same with the next one (I am currently 4 months pregnant and will have to go back to work again as we can't afford for me to not work).

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary. He's with them approx 9am-4pm, occasionally an hour or two longer and occasionally half a day extra at the weekend if DH and I are doing DIY (moved house last yr). No evenings, no nights, but it is almost a regular job for them I suppose.

In addition, we went out for a (rare) family Sunday lunch a few weeks ago for my DH's 40th bday. DS doesn't particularly enjoy sitting in a highchair for long (what toddler does?!) but he wasn't especially badly behaved. But the meal was a bit rushed and he just wanted to play with nanny. My dad was obviously so utterly mortified by the looks we must have got (I didn't notice any) as DS was just being his fairly vocal self and wanting to run round etc, that he cancelled our NYE curry booking without even discussing it with me and said he won't ever do that again. I can't believe they weren't able to just shrug off any tuts by other diners.

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms. I feel really hurt by this for some reason. I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye and what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop - am I completely naive and/or self centred? I don't really know what to do to get past this. They are still going to look after him but I feel a bit bitter about it.

DP and I are older parents.

I watched my mum and dad be taken for granted by my brother for years. They looked after his 2 young ds....it was a huge tie for them and they didn't want to rock the boat....they didn't enjoy it as it became so expected.

When we had dd I spoke to them about how I felt. We told them we would never expect or assume them for childcare but they could have dd For their pleasure whenever they wanted.

We used flexible working agreements and nursery for childcare.

So it's not 'normal' here for Gp to do all childcare.

Glad you came back soulpunk. It is a common theme in so many families (certainly in mine) to talk to the wrong people about any issues rather than the people concerned. Tensions build and then as you say things are blurted out unexpectedly. I think that was the real issue of your aibu question.

When we were looking into childcare for DS my mum spoke up and said she really wanted to do it, so that's why she does it. Whenever I have checked with her she has always insisted everything's fine, however I could see she is getting tired which is why I've moved things forward myself before it becomes a burden rather than a joy. Despite initial resistance to the idea of nursery ("he's so little!") I can see that she has now warmed to the idea and is looking forward to their afternoons together.

AIBU will have you convinced that no-one ever acts or speaks with emotion or expresses themselves incorrectly. I think the way you wrote your question esp the last paragraph could have been framed in a different way showing your appreciation rather than expectation but you clearly wrote it while feeling hurt and confused.

By the way wowfudge I meant those as specific examples among friends, not an exhaustive list, but I can see why it read like that. Sorry to confuse.

Oh dear if this is genuine then the replies must sting a bit.

I'm sure the penny has dropped now that you are expecting far far far too much from your parents.

I expect they had to have a heart to heart with you before you dropped the baby on them too.

I do get where you're coming from op and I think this situation will only get worse. The best thing you can do now will be to find alternative childcare IMO.

My parents (mum mainly) looking after my dc has caused huge bad feeling in my family and seriously damaged my relationship (and the dc's) with my parents.

When I was preparing to go back to work when ds1 was approaching 10 months, my mum assumed she'd be looking after him (3 days a week). I tentatively brought up the 'are you sure' conversation and she was almost affronted and assured me of course she was.

I was happy - happy for ds1 to spend time with grandparents rather than in childcare and happy to save a huge expense - my parents are well off and wouldn't hear of accepting money.

All was well - my mum overstepped the mark a few times (feeding ds1 differently to his routine etc) but they were relatively minor and I learned to pick my battles.

Anyway, then ds2 came along. I was on maternity leave from the time ds1 was 2.3-3.5 (until ds2 was 14 months) so there was no regular childcare in this time, just the odd day of usual grandparents helping out stuff.

Ds1 was in part time nursery by the time I went back which was a pita. I needed childcare not only for ds2 but that would include nursery pick up for ds1. I mentioned this to my mum and got a resolute 'well of course your dad will pick him up' (my mum doesn't drive). Again, I checked and said we could think about a cm but my mum was adamant that they would do it. She's not one for big declarations so I never expected any 'my g kids are so amazing, I relish it' but she seemed happy with the arrangement.

So this went on for a year and a half, until ds 2 was approaching 3.

I then started getting the same as you op - sly digs from my sister about dumping my kids, no regards for parents etc. Then when I called my sister on it, it turned into an arguement in which my mum got involved.

Turned out, apparently she was hugely struggling and resentful of me leaving the kids with her 3 days a week. She'd been appalled when we'd had ds2 because she 'knew she'd end up looking after him too'. I wasn't grateful, never appreciated all they did for me in helping prevent the alternative situation where I'd be 'dumping my kids with strangers'. And of course, she'd carry on doing it to prevent that awful situation but I'd 'better not have any more'.

By this point she'd been looking after ds1 for 5 years (well 3 really if you take away the two maternity leaves). I felt sick to my stomach that I'd left my dc with someone - grandparents or not - that was apparently caring for them whilst full of resentment and feeling put upon. Hating every second basically but 'saving' them from the awful alternative of structured childcare.

I've lost all trust in my mum. The day we had that arguement was the last day she ever looked after them and we now have a cm. We've had several arguements since about how I've taken the dc from her and would rather dump (always that word) the dc with a stranger. I can't win either way.

I would advise anyone never ever to consider leaving their dc with family as childcare - the odd day of babysitting but never a regular arrangement. If it goes tits up there's no going back.

Good grief OP. You are unreasonable to the outer limits of unreasonableness and then some.

I haven't RTFT but I totally understand the OP,s parents POV. I looked after my DGD from 3 months to almost 3 years plus older DC before and after school, holidays, sickness etc. When I said I could no longer do it I was told I would never be forgiven, it was my fault they couldn't have another child and was forbidden from seeing DGD again.

Oh, I was never paid either.

More that is shocking!

It's also worth remembering that many gp's will have no direct knowledge of nurseries, as this form of childcare is relatively recent. This is what might lead in some cases to gp's expressing unhelpful opinions like 'he's too young for nursery'.
It's down to the parents to decide on the optimum form of childcare... They are the people who know their children best, and have responsibility for them. OP- have the confidence to make your own decisions and not be derailed by a grandparent who clearly doesn't want the restriction of having to provide regular childcare, but also seems to want to make judgements about alternative childcare.

You feel bitter ? They're in their 60's, have done their child rearing & it's time for them to have fun, not be forced into being childminders !

Do you pay them ?

Just another who's stunned by your statement that it's more 'normal' for family to do childcare. Why? Where, in 2014?

That statement suggests you have a very unrealistic view of life. And the implied suggestion that nursery care by 'strangers' can't possibly be as good is both unsupported by any evidence and offensive to people who use and who work in nurseries.

My DGS goes to a lovely nursery 2 days a week and I'm sure enjoys it as much at least as his time with us, as well as it giving him the huge advantage of being and playing with other children. He loves this and it teaches him awareness of others too

I'm not surprised at all by the assumption that Grandparents should provide free childcare. I've seen it with some of my Mum's friends who have been really put upon.

One of her friends is expected to drive 10 miles every morning to her daughters house to care for her baby all day. The thing that really shocked me about this arrangement is that her daughter has told her she must never take the baby out in the car - ever. So Grandmother can only go out if it's within walking distance. I don't think they even pay for her petrol cost in travelling there everyday either.

This daughter also expects her parents to cancel any plans they have if her and her husband decide that they want to go out for the evening. My parents are always being cancelled on because of the daughter's last minute babysitting demands.

"Repetitively punched in the face" :o It can feel like it, OP! You just have to take it on the chin.

I do know people who rely on family a lot for childcare, so for me it's not that so much as the "what could be more fulfilling" bit, etc.

It can really hard when you've got your PFB to realize that they're NOT the center of everyone's universe, nor should they be.

I think it'd probably be best to look for alternate childcare. It's easier IMO.

I do PT child minding. I have a brother and sister every TWR. On Mondays they go to one set of grandparents and on Friday the other. One set offered to have them every day but their mother refused and I think she was right to do it. Then they get to clearly be grandparents, not childminders.

I think when the OP said "more normal" she meant normal for where she is, or this is what her parents said or think, not necessarily what she herself thinks.

"Thanks to those who made helpful suggestions rather making assumptions"

Use alternative, paid for childcare. Nursery. Childminder. Ask your parents if they would mind still doing emergency childcare but not regular care. Stop taking advantage of your parents.

Could you not have thought of these suggestions yourself then?

"It's more normal for family to do childcare"

Normal for whom?

An acquaintance to the family recently presumed that I will be providing childcare for my future grandchild.

I laughed.

It is normal for children to realise their parents are not at their beck and call but have their own lives.

It is normal to have a little consideration for others and not think looking after your own child when your parents go away on holiday is doing them a big favour.

It is normal to realise a small child is a lot of work and expecting your parents to pick up even more of the slack so you can do DIY is unreasonable.

It is normal to keep your child occupied in a restaurant so he does not disturb other dinners and so that your lack of appropriate parenting does not embarrass your family.

It is normal to spend more of your time parenting than expecting your parents to do the same.

It is not normal to expect your parents to give, give and give and then to moan about it.

Your attitude here shows exactly why your sister and DP have been talking about the situation amongst themselves.

Time to make arrangements for paid childcare and let your parents by GPs rather than unpaid childminders for your convenience. I hope you are not going to ask them to look after the baby but are arranging for a childminder/nursery.

My aunt was pressurised by her daughter to look after kids practically full time before school and there was a great fall out when my aunt said she couldn't do school run for ever. What amazed me is that when my cousin's daughter got pregnant it was assumed that my aunt would look after her great-grandchild as she was retired. And she was 70 by that point! She couldn't lift a baby out of the cot leave alone looking after a toddler. They stopped talking to her when she said she couldn't physically do it. But OP was right AIBU does read like a boxing match and most people wouldn't talk like that to anybody in real life.

You were brave to come back OP! I apologize for the tone of my post last night, I really thought this was probably a reverse/wind up.

I expect it must sting a bit to realize your dc is not as unconditionally adored as you thought, though I'm sure they do dearly love him, but the weekly grind of wrangling a hyperactive toddler can be wearing for anyone.

You know they're finding it too much now, so please don't let them backpedal and say they'll keep the arrangement going.

I can see both sides of this to be honest.

My mum looks after my nephews 7am-7pm and has done for 13(!!!!) years. The eldest is 13, youngest 5. Obviously there is school in the middle but she had the youngest from 3months old and she does it all down to bathing them and putting them In pyjamas ready to go home. If my mum ever goes away, my brother would ask me to have the kids instead.

When I went back to work in August my mum was utterly horrified when I discounted her and looked at childminders. She said I was leaving ds with strangers, ruining his development and paying out money I should be saving. I double and triple checked she was ok to have ds and now she has him 3 days a week 9-3.

It has been a disaster! She cancels regularly at the last minute, has told me that she will struggle on until march when he goes to nursery and bitches to others that I don't pay her enough (I pay more than my brother and the same as a childminder) i am slagged off to the rest of the family for being entitled, and for how tired she is looking after ds.

It came to a head just before Christmas and I said I was moving ds to a childminder as it obviously wasn't working and that was fine. She sobbed and said I couldn't as she would miss him, it was too much change to introduce a new person before nursery in march and I was being selfish to put my needs for regular childcare above theirs for a relationship and ds need for stability.

I feel I can't Win! I will be SO glad when ds goes to nursery in a few months, and I'm hurt my mum is behaving the way she is, despite me being bloody grateful at the same time for what she is doing. It's a mess.

Sorry, that turned into a rant didn't it? I think I'm on the fence is what I'm saying!

Quitethewoodsman makes good points. It's clear that some people- and it may be a minority but a very strident minority- believe that gp's should (except in cases of serious ill health or death) be willing and grateful to provide childcare. These people say it's 'sad' if gps aren't, and believe it somehow equates to a family which isn't loving or close.

Just knowing that some people think that way must be a big burden for gps, and I can quite see how some must end up taking on huge commitments for fear that if they don't, they'll be perceived as unloving and uninterested. I can see how gps could fall into a routine of providing a lot of childcare, smiling on the surface and saying its all fine, when the reality may be different.

WhatdoIcallmyself I think you need to make up a commitment on the 3rd day and say you will have to go back to 2 days. College/helping a relative?

Sillymilly & greengiant, I know so many people who have been in your situation - hence why I think it isn't as simple as the OP being entitled. We don't know the full background. I read the OP's "leaving with strangers" comment as a quote from the GP, not her opinion.

Our newly married son and dil recently informed me that, on the birth of their child (they're not even pregnant yet!) I would be looking after it three days a week as they both wanted to keep working.
They left the conversation with a totally different viewpoint
It's the assumption that gets me. Whilst it might sound selfish, we've already brought up two children. We would love to look after any gc, but not permanently.
I think it is important for everyone to know where they stand.

I dunno. I think it's something that should be discussed in detail before having kids. What involvement will grandparents have? My mother & MIL have both said that they will definitely not be minding any children of ours. My mum has no grandkids & has no interest in getting them. MIL has raised plenty already, both her kids & grandkids.
And yes, it has coloured my decision to have children. I'm almost 39. No great career, don't own a home & have no savings. I'm not going to have one & hope for the best... I know they would love the child. But I would not expect them to look after it.