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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a lot of (nice) people will treat people like me like crap sometimes...

53 replies

PalaverParty · 24/12/2014 14:26

Basically Im a person who is extremely shy. I have social anxiety and also low self esteem and low self confidence too. So, Im a person who doesn't really like confrontation. i don't really speak up for myself either.

I mind my own business and I'm not really bothered about other people get up to as its nothing to do with me.

I don't think Im a horrible person- well I don't intend to be that way intentionally to anyone at least. But I find that people who are otherwise quite nice people, actually say not so nice things every now and again. Not all the time nasty or anything, but every now and again they will say something that a bit hurtful to me or embarrass me or something.

Now Im thinking they definitely wouldn't do that to someone who say, was confident and would stand their ground.
So, why are they doing it to people like me?

Am I reasonable in thinking that if you are "weak" so to speak, people at some point will truly show their true self and probably say/do something not very nice because they can get away with it?

OP posts:
DoJo · 24/12/2014 14:34

Honestly, it's hard to say without knowing what kind of thing they are saying. If they genuinely are nice, then comments which hurt your feelings or embarrass you are likely to either be jokes (yes, I know, but if you don't tell them that they are upsetting you then they won't know) or the kind of foot-in-mouth comment that comes out no matter who you are talking to.

I don't think people who are truly nice deliberately say or do mean things to their friends because they can 'get away with them' regardless of who they are talking to.

Original poster
PalaverParty · 24/12/2014 14:40

Its usually little snide remarks or something which are definitely not in jest. Yet, they wouldnt dream of saying anything like that say to my sister who can stand her ground.

OP posts:
fairylightsonthetree · 24/12/2014 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mupperoon · 24/12/2014 14:42

What kind of things do people say to you? I think you are possibly a little over- sensitive! People say potentially hurtful things to others all the time, whether they think the "target" is shy/lacks confidence or not... And let's face it, people aren't mind readers and may not even realise how the other person feels.

Perhaps you could see it as a compliment that you are treated in the same way as everyone else?

I think YABU as you seem to assume that everyone will eventually be horrid just because they can get away with it.

Merry Xmas!

spinduchess · 24/12/2014 14:44

Yeah, agree with pp. Examples are needed for this one.

SaucyJack · 24/12/2014 14:49

It's impossible to say without an example.

Perhaps they're bitches and picking on an easy target. Perhaps you're being oversensitive.

There is also a possibility that you're amongst the small (but distinct) number of people with low self-esteem that express it in a way that would drive Mother Teresa to want to batter them to death. Just a thought.

Are you in the habit of vaguebooking OP?

windchime · 24/12/2014 15:25

OP, I am similar to you in the fact that I try to avoid confrontation and I have found that some people I thought were friends have dicked me about because of this. A couple of weeks ago, a colleague I get on really well with (have coffee outside work, etc) asked me to swap duties with her. In face, she begged me to. I agreed, no problem. So I walk into work to do her shift, and she is there already and the boss looks at me like I am some sort of twat! So-called friend just said 'oh, I changed my mind about the swap'. Didn't think to text me or anything. OP, I think we both need to grow a pair!

windchime · 24/12/2014 15:25

*fact not face

Bruiserbereftofsoftness · 24/12/2014 15:39

YANBU I'm not a confident person myself.
I don't constantly seek approval or need reassurance I just plod on quietly trying not to inconvenience people or make a fuss.
I prefer to be kind and nice rather than score points or be abrasive.

Sometimes others can spot this trait and take the piss.
Sometimes they mistake kindness for foolishness.
Don't take it to heart if people snipe at you.

Brush it off and be comforted knowing that when the shit hits the fan we are the non judgy ones ready to listen and help Xmas Smile

MagnetsOnItsTail · 24/12/2014 15:39

You sound like a kind person OP, but maybe slightly over-sensitive. That's a guess, as without examples it's difficult to know for sure whether people are speaking to you unpleasantly.

One thing to bear in mind - a few people mistake kindness for weakness and could maybe see you as an easy target. I might be way off the mark, but thought it was worth mentioning.

Original poster
PalaverParty · 24/12/2014 21:06

Thanks for your insights.

No, I wouldn't say i am over sensitive. And my friends and family would agree.

Saucy, no I am not in the habit of Vaguebooking! (had to google what that was!)

Reading through the posts, it looks like the people who are similar to me i.e a little shy and not good with confrontation/ sticking up for themselves, can relate to me and understand what Im talking about. Windchime gave a good example of exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. Would her colleague have done that to another colleague? I would expect not.

OP posts:
DoJo · 24/12/2014 21:14

It's not that I don't understand what you are talking about - MN is dripping with tales of people who behave like this - it's just that I think you are too generous in believing people who would treat someone like this to be 'nice'. Nice people generally consider others' feelings, and if they do upset someone or treat them badly (either by accident or through circumstances beyond their control) then they apologise profusely and do what they can to make up for it.
Windchime's example is a good example - if I had swapped shifts with someone and then needed/wanted to swap back, I would have asked them if that was convenient to them. If I had somehow forgotten to speak to them about it, I would be mortified when they showed up to work and apologise to them wholeheartedly for cocking up the arrangements. Shrugging it off and saying 'I've changed my mind' as though that was an excuse isn't the act of a nice person.

HearMyRoar · 24/12/2014 21:31

inconsiderate people are generally inconsiderate to everyone so while I don't doubt that you have come across people who have been unpleasant to you I think you are wrong to assume they don't do this to other people. I suspect that it is more that a confident person would shrug off a snide comment or tell them just how rude they had been and then get on with their life without dwelling on it.

I am generally pretty confident but have suffered from bouts of crippling anxiety so I know how easy it is to feel that people treat you differently. I also know that on my better days I'm actually treated exactly the same, I just handle it differently.

Original poster
PalaverParty · 24/12/2014 21:45

Hearty

So you would say it's more a perception issue and that they probably act like that with everyone anyway?

I dont think it might be in some instances but we dont treat everyone we meet the same. Thats what this is about ultimately. People can take the piss sometimes because they know they can.

OP posts:
raltheraffe · 24/12/2014 21:51

They might not be insulting you. I get very upset and stressed with things people say as I cannot understand jokes or sarcasm well and I take everything literally. I now tell people I do not understand sarcasm and if someone has something to say they need to say it clearly in a way I can understand

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 24/12/2014 22:02

I'm deciding that 2015 is thw year that I stand up for my self, have my voice heard and be assertive.

Too many times I'm treated like I'm invisible or like shit. It ends this year. Baby 2 is on the way after a very big gap and I still remember the way I was treated back then and I wouldn't stand up for myself. Nor any more! Do you think that you need to do that to? We can't change other people, just ourselves and our reactions, I read that here a lot.

PlantsAndFlowers · 24/12/2014 22:13

I think that soemtimes people who lack confidence can be really irritating with it, and people respond to that.

PonderousTortoise · 24/12/2014 22:20

Palaver - I went on a course at work once called something like 'Personal Effectiveness'. We did a lot of role play around learning how to say No.

What was really interesting for me, (generally a quiet, slow-thinking, people-pleaser, not good at social stuff type) was that when I was role-playing the boss and the person playing the employee was bad at saying 'No', it was really easy to foist more work on him, and even tempting to be a bit brusque and rude. It was less a conscious thing than a kind of unthought reaction.

It has really stuck in my head. I think there probably is something in what you say about people acting less nicely if they feel there to be 'weakness' of one sort or another.

simontowers2 · 24/12/2014 22:29

It's a shit or get shit on world OP. Lord of the Fucking flies and all that

GokTwo · 24/12/2014 22:35

I know what you mean. I have a very self deprecating sense of humour (which I realise isn't always that healthy for me at times). I notice that this coupled with my fairly u assertive nature often invites little digs about my various inadequacies. I think you do have to take a bit of responsibility for it though and start standing up for yourself more. That's what I am trying to do.

museumum · 24/12/2014 22:35

So you think that "nice" people are just walking around looking for weak people to be unkind to? Hmm
thats a pretty weird way of looking at the world.

Would it not make more sense to just believe that everybody is fallible and can be unthinking at times and if you don't speak up they might not notice they've been thoughtless??

wasitsomethingisaid · 25/12/2014 00:05

Surely though OP you can say "NIce!" "Charming" "What did you say?" "Did you really just say that?" etc? Even though you are shy? Or "Sorry can you say that again please?"

You don't have to take it OP

m0therofdragons · 25/12/2014 00:09

I think everyone faces this but more outgoing people deal with it differently. I'm fairly outgoing and confident (with occasional dips in confidence), but I still hate confrontation. I'll stand up for myself then walk round the corner and burst into tears.

pinkdelight · 25/12/2014 08:44

museumum is right I think. OP is setting up a false scenario, imagining that there are 'nice' people who 'show their true selves' when they are nasty. People are more complicated than that. No one is nice all (or even most) of the time, but that doesn't mean their niceness is a facade and any meanness is the truth. They have good and bad days / moments and their behaviour is very rarely about you, more about hoe they're feeling. If they're feeling unreasonable and you get on their nerves, they may say something hurtful or unthinking. You probably do the same, however kind etc you and your loved ones think you are. So although I get how you (and other people with low self-esteem, of which I have been one) have got into that way of thinking, I would say yabu and over-thinking things in a simplistic way.

pinkdelight · 25/12/2014 09:22

Also quite odd to say you're extremely shy, low self esteem, anxious etc but that you're not at all over-sensitive. Surely being overly sensitive is part and parcel of those conditions? If you were less sensitive then you'd give less of a shit what people thought of you and be less shy, anxious and so on. Now I may be over-simplifying things, but just felt strange you coming back with a definite 'nope, no one thinks I'm over-sensitive' when your OP seemed to telegraph that you are.