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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a lot of (nice) people will treat people like me like crap sometimes...

53 replies

PalaverParty · 24/12/2014 14:26

Basically Im a person who is extremely shy. I have social anxiety and also low self esteem and low self confidence too. So, Im a person who doesn't really like confrontation. i don't really speak up for myself either.

I mind my own business and I'm not really bothered about other people get up to as its nothing to do with me.

I don't think Im a horrible person- well I don't intend to be that way intentionally to anyone at least. But I find that people who are otherwise quite nice people, actually say not so nice things every now and again. Not all the time nasty or anything, but every now and again they will say something that a bit hurtful to me or embarrass me or something.

Now Im thinking they definitely wouldn't do that to someone who say, was confident and would stand their ground.
So, why are they doing it to people like me?

Am I reasonable in thinking that if you are "weak" so to speak, people at some point will truly show their true self and probably say/do something not very nice because they can get away with it?

OP posts:
badtime · 25/12/2014 09:40

I used to be very shy and lacking in confidence and self-esteem and I was treated exactly as the OP says, by people who everyone said was nice and did not appear to do the same to most other people.

I now appear pretty much exactly the same - I am quiet and introverted - but I am much more assertive and confident than I was. People still try to say and do the same sort of things to me, and when I respond in a way they don't expect I see the shock on their faces.

OP, YANBU. People who have never been 'the shy one' will never have experienced this, and will have no idea it goes on. They can't see it. There is so much low-grade (possibly accidental*) bullying out there, and if you look like a victim, you will have to stand up for yourself to stop being a victim.

*Like if people always expect you to do favours for them, and you always do because you can't say no, but never thank you and give you a hard time if you try to say no - I don't think that is necessarily deliberate, but it can be bullying.

tobysmum77 · 25/12/2014 09:57

nice people don't treat others like shit. They are not nice.

I have a mate who is a bit of a people pleaser and I am continually Shock about how some people treat her and the liberties they take.

Recently she told a pair of women where to get off and I was just Grin well done, about 12 months more hassle than I'd have taken but hey ho .....

cansu · 25/12/2014 14:37

Actually I tend to agree with you and think that those who stand up for themselves are generally treated better and care less what others think about them.

YouTheCat · 25/12/2014 14:51

Palaver, I really don't the kind of people who would treat anyone like this are 'nice'. They can give the outward appearance of it but really they aren't.

Nice people don't treat others like that, ever unless there are extenuating circumstances and then they would be very apologetic.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 25/12/2014 14:52

OP you may find it helpful to syop thinking of and referring to yourself as weak or a target. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy when we say something often enough it becomes true.

Pretend you are someone else, say for example you go to the shop and pass a stranger. If you normally avoid eye contact and dont smile, pretend you are someone else you know, or perhaps a character in a film who would happily meet their gaze and initiate a 'hello' as they walked past. You will feel a lift just from that tiny contact and your confidence will soar. Even if you iust do one of these excercises a day you will find yourself enjoying the feeling and naturally wanting to do it more. Before you know it, it has become who you are, you have changed how you are perceived and so how people think about treating you.

Please dont resign yourself to being 'weak' or a 'target' for life. You have choice in that.

NickerPicker · 25/12/2014 15:23

When I was softer people would try it on too, they don't now. They appear to those with good boundaries as if they are really nice, when you know they are not what they seem. There are loads of fakes out there who pick on the gentle softer people and wouldn't do the same to anyone with decent boundaries. They are not nice people op, they are weak fake bullies. Be gateful you can spot them when your self esteem has got better, and have nothing to do with them.

raltheraffe · 25/12/2014 16:05

When I first started my business I was very nice with all my employees and I got walked all over. None of them really respected me and they laughed and joked at me. Now I am firm but fair and I do a lot better. Anyone takes the piss now they get fired.

Bonsoir · 25/12/2014 16:23

People with low self-esteem underestimate just how irritating their low self-esteem is to others.

Rebecca2014 · 25/12/2014 16:34

I am like you and many times seemingly nice people, one was even a Christian! Tried bully me,make remarks etc.

Recently though I now stand up for myself. A woman at college kept talking to me like shit, one day she berated me and I snapped back and we had an argument. She doesn't mess with me now! Being quiet and shy makes you an target sadly for a lot of people, you need stand up for yourself so they know you won't take it.

raltheraffe · 25/12/2014 17:53

People with big gobs underestimate just how irritating their big gob is to others.

PlantsAndFlowers · 25/12/2014 18:32

raltheraffe I don't think that's true. Most people with big gobs know they can be annoying. In my experience it's those with low self esteem who don't realise how annoying they can be as so often they equate being weak with being 'nice'.

raltheraffe · 25/12/2014 18:39

I think most people confuse being nice with being stupid. That is what happened to me when I first started in business and my staff took the piss, knocking off early, stealing equipment, one even slashed my tyres. Although I still try to be supportive of my employees if they dick me about they end up in disciplinary or fired.

raltheraffe · 25/12/2014 18:42

Just to clarify my 1753 comment was aimed at bonsoir. Someone has started a thread about being on the receiving end of hurtful and snide comments and lo and behold someone takes the opportunity to classify people like the OP (having low self-esteem) as irritating. I do not find the OP at all irritating, but snides piss me off.

slightlyworriednc · 25/12/2014 18:53

Bonsoir always makes bitchy comments.

ShatterResistant · 25/12/2014 19:00

I can't comment on your specific situation, but it's cathartic for me to tell you all that my husband sounds a bit like you, and my mum treats him badly just because she can. So yes, I'd say you're not wrong. Not-massively-nice but not-hugely-unkind people definitely take advantage of the fact that you won't/can't (in my husband's position) stand up for yourself. I feel better already.

tobysmum77 · 25/12/2014 22:13

I think Bonsoir has a point actually. People with low self esteem often over compensate for it I think and can be needy. If it's a really good friend then you can overlook this stuff/ see where they are coming from but in a casual aquaintance it's harder.

But there is also a certain type of person who swoops like a vulture to take advantage.

Bonsoir · 25/12/2014 22:29

I'm not making a value judgement. I just think that people whose feelings have been hurt (for whatever reason) don't always realise that they are not innocent victims.

MarjorieMelon · 25/12/2014 22:37

This thread has gone really nasty.

The OP hasn't really given any examples so it's impossible to agree or disagree with her. If "nice" people are saying hurtful things to you OP I would say that they are not nice people I would suggest that they are false or even bullies.

The comments about shy people and people with low self esteem being irritating are ridiculous. One thing I have noticed is that bullies are usually lacking in empathy so perhaps there are a few bullies on this thread.

HolyTerror · 25/12/2014 23:05

OP, in order to have any to the point responses, you really need to give concrete examples of situations where you feel otherwise nice people have behaved badly towards you because you're timid and have low self-esteem.

Permanentlyexhausted · 25/12/2014 23:40

I mind my own business and I'm not really bothered about other people get up to as its nothing to do with me.

But to others this may well seem to suggest that you don't care about them and are stand-offish.

I don't think Im a horrible person- well I don't intend to be that way intentionally to anyone at least.

So if you don't intend to be that way, what makes you think that everyone else who offends your sensibilities does it intentionally?

Can you see the hypocrisy?

I'm not being mean to you, although you may see it differently. I'm just trying to get you to see the situation you're in from another angle.

kerstina · 26/12/2014 11:07

There is an actress can't remember her name Fay somebody who was in cold feet who once said what is the point of shy people and that she found them really irritating. Might have imagined this but think she might have put them in room 101! I immediately disliked her for this thought she is obviously an insensitive person and lacking in empathy. One of these cold, matter of fact types. These sort of people always make me uneasy as they are usually judgmental people who look down their nose at others.

IsItTeaYoureLookingFor · 26/12/2014 11:47

Wow. There are some pretty insensitive people on here who really lack empathy.

To people who think people with low self esteem are irritating- well thats just laughable and just shows how little knowledge of what self esteem truly is.

Some of the most outgoing, confident people you know may have low self esteem. Its not something that you would know outwardly.

Original poster
PalaverParty · 26/12/2014 11:55

It looks like there are people who understand what I'm talking about which has helped confirm my thoughts of the original post.

Then there are others that have come up with some ridiculous judgemental comments about people with low self esteem. I think it just highlights how the majority of people probably dont really quite understand the complexities of brain psychology. Its not a case of "people who have low self esteem are x,y and z". There's a lot more to it than that.

OP posts:
Psypher · 26/12/2014 12:08

Are you this vague in RL?

Bonsoir · 26/12/2014 12:20

Denying people the right to feel irritated by other people's low self esteem demonstrates a clear lack of empathy Wink.