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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was SIL rude ?

230 replies

EvilTendency1 · 23/12/2014 23:39

Friend told me today what happened at her place last weekend.

Her and her husband had put on a Christmas meal early for his side of the family (parents are deceased and it's only her DH's brother and his family)

They have two children and her in laws have three, so 5 children under 8, youngest is 4.

The 4 yr old starts to announce that she is hungry and wants some crisps, she wanders into the kitchen and starts looking in cupboards looking for them, my friend tells her neice 'Dinner will be 5-10 mins, so no I won't be giving out crisps - won't be long though ! " in a cheery voice.

Child complains to her mother, so friends SIL comes into the kitchen "Where are some crisps ? Mary is hungry." Friend starts to plate up, won't be long. SIL sniffs and says "Mary will have the crisps thanks, she's hungry now." then starts to look in cupboards and finds some, opens them and Mary gets her crisps.

10 mins later Mary doesn't want her dinner - she's not hungry now.

Pudding is served and Mary starts helping herself to things from the table and complaining that she wants other things as well. Friends DH announces then at the table to his neice "Mary, you didn't eat any dinner and in this house that means you don't get any pudding."

Mary bursts into tears and all hell breaks loose, SIL demands that her BIL apologise THIS instant for talkinf to a child that way and no one dictates to her child what she can and can't eat.

They leave 10 mins later and children are crying etc as their cousins are leaving halfway through a meal etc.

She told me she found her SIL actions really rude and doesn't want to see her again. I did admit I found her DH's comments a bit rude and I would have challenged him as well if someone spoke to my child like that.

Was the SIL being unreasonable and over reacting do you think ? I find it bloody rude to feed a child crisps right before a meal though and would have made my own dcs eat their dinner - there would have been no alternative s offered I'm afraid.

OP posts:
jackfrosticle · 24/12/2014 22:03

I'm no more angry or invested than anyone else who has voiced an opinion boney, perhaps you just misunderstand sarcasm when you see it?

CarmelitaSpats · 24/12/2014 22:09

pmsl @ " it produces kids who are then, in turn, more mindful and sweet and kind to others feelings themselves because that's how they were raised."

My DN is being "raised" like Mary - SIL runs round after her because denying her is 'more trouble than its worth', which has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This reached its nadir this summer when we were dragged around a foreign city looking for a restaurant that did a burger that DN would eat, then, an hour's walking later with the rest of the group (including several other children) very hungry and tired, when we finally found somewhere that suited and she was served her burger then opened up the bun and saw they'd already put tom sauce on it, she shrieked and cried and demanded her mother swap dinner with her. Her mother is a vegetarian. So to everyone else's disbelief, she got given her mother's dinner while the mother sat in front of a congealing burger that she couldn't eat.

DN was 9 at the time, so hardly a toddler. So mindful and sweet and kind to others feelings. That's the kind of child that sort of parenting produces.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/12/2014 22:09

jack that might be because sarcasm is difficult to interpret from the written word.

passthedouche · 24/12/2014 22:19

For those who asked, no I am not the SIL.

Whilst I give my children food freedom, I do see it as a fail on the SIL part actually that it got to this point. It could have happened to me though and I would have seen it as my responsibility that it got to that point. Afterall, a number of children were all incredibly upset by the incident which is awful. Even though I myself do not agree with withholding food from a child, if we are visiting a family that does things differently to us then I make every effort to navigate that to keep things peaceful. Depends on the situation, but if there was a meal involved, for example, and there were certain expectations on my children I would either not go and do something on neutral turf, go after the meal, or if I thought they could handle it coach them on what was expected and see if they still wanted to go. Sometimes these things happen despite our best efforts though, so if someone told my DD she couldn't have dessert and she was upset, I would do my utmost to resolve the situation peacefully for all. What would have worked with my DD (4) is to whisper to her that she could have some special ice-cream or something on the way home for example, and then I would have distracted her with a game. We often talk about how people do things differently and it is important to respect that rather than go against it. Many of our friends don't allow their kids to have ice cream/sweeties/cookies/ipads/ so when we are with those friends we don't take those things as none of us want to upset the kids.

Another example is my DM doesn't like swear words in films, it doesn't bother us. As a family none of us would dream of watching a film with her that has swear words in it. It bothers her, so then it bothers us.

The DH and DW in the OP are bothered what their guests eat and when. So although I don't care about those things I have raised my kids to care about what bothers others and try to show respect for difference and keep the peace. They are always very happy to be considerate of others which I am very proud of.

passthedouche · 24/12/2014 22:28

carmelita I wouldn't do that either. If I had a child who was very specific about the food they wanted, I wouldn't expect others to trudge around looking for something suitable. I would have come prepared with something already, or go off with the child myself - not make a whole group unhappy. If a 9 year old is freaking out about sauce that is hardly going to be fresh information that they don't like tom sauce is it?

passthedouche · 24/12/2014 22:31

carmelita My DN is being "raised" like Mary - SIL runs round after her because denying her is 'more trouble than its worth', which has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Does the way I am describing my parenting style really sound anything like that? I don't not deny my child things for arbitrary reasons simply because I am avoid a meltdown. That's not mindful at all, it's permissive parenting. VERY different from what I am talking about.

Original poster
EvilTendency1 · 25/12/2014 00:00

Blimey !

Have just read the full thread.

I can assure ppl that the dinner did not happen at my house Grin It was genuinely told to me by a friend.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 25/12/2014 07:42

I don't see the "you can only have pudding if you have main course" as a house rule. It's more a parenting rule.
House rules: no hitting, no pulling the cat's tail, no food on the white carpet.... Those sorts of things.
If an adult asked for crisps 10 minutes before a meal I would probably say something like "darling, lunch is up in 10 minutes" and i would expect them to wait. If they helped themselves I would probably ignore it tbh. But i cant imagine that happening.
In this host's position, with a child, I would have offered a starter like a. Apple or something that would work as a starter (as a pp suggested)
But if crisps were all she wanted then fine, have crisps.
And of course she can have pudding. Its part of the meal. This is not the time to start imposing your own personal beliefs on someone else.
I think there's too much controlling behaviour around children and food.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 25/12/2014 07:43

Oh Happy Christmas

Goldmandra · 25/12/2014 08:36

I wouldn't have handed the crisps over simply because the other DCs present wouldn't have been allowed them and I would expect any other adult to understand that.

I am very relaxed about food and don't believe we should try to control what our DCs choose to put in their mouths but expecting all the others to eat a meal while watching one child eating crisps is ridiculous.

I would probably have said the crisps had to wait until after dinner. I f the child chose not to eat what was served up, that's fine and she could still have the crisps.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 25/12/2014 08:42

Agree. I wouldnt havechosen to give a child crisps 10 minutes before a meal. But if that were not my child and her dm wanted her to have them I wouldn't have refused.

tobysmum77 · 25/12/2014 09:00

I think sil needs to chill out. Generally I agree with her but..... I wouldn't have given them to my children and would have ignored the tantrum.

diddl · 25/12/2014 09:40

I suppose for SIL it was a build up of Mary not being given crisps & then being told that she couldn't have pudding.

i would have said no to the crisps though.

If sil wants Mary to be access to snacks/treats on demand, then she needs to have the stuff with her!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 25/12/2014 09:48

And they're family.
My siblings are unlikely to take food without asking. But they are welcome to it. I cannot be having hungry people in my home. They will be offered any manner of things I know they like. Especially the children. Especially at Christmas.

diddl · 25/12/2014 10:56

Oh I still think that sil was completely wrong.

The Mary is 4, plenty old enough to wait a bit for food to be served.

(Unless everyone had been waiting hrs)

And even so I wouldn't be giving out crisps.

PhaedraIsMyName · 25/12/2014 11:19

Amanda good posts. I'm glad someone else sees the distinction between house rules and parenting rules.

The husband was being dogmatically self-righteous and ill- mannered.

"My house my rules" is now my favourite love to hate phrase.

ohtheholidays · 25/12/2014 11:34

The SIL was completely out of order.As for the poor Dad he most probably felt upset for his poor wife,having been ignored by her niece and SIl,helping themselves to crisps whilst the poor woman was plating up a lovely meal.

Goldmandra · 25/12/2014 21:35

But if that were not my child and her dm wanted her to have them I wouldn't have refused.

I think I would have refused while saying something along the lines of "Sorry sweetheart. Now is not a good time to have crisps because all the others will won't them too and then they won't eat this dinner. We'll make sure you get some crisps after dinner, OK? Now please could you ."

diddl · 25/12/2014 21:39

I would have refused on the grounds that if the mum would rather that Mary have crap than the meal I've prepared, she can supply said crap herself!

ZenNudist · 25/12/2014 22:16

Agree both SIL and dh rude. As the dh I would have just silently judged and felt smug at not failing parenting 101: not letting dc fill up on snacks before dinner.

If someone else's child isn't eating and filling up on junk I count it as someone else's problem.

The worst I'd get is happily disciplining my dc for asking for crisps or refusing to eat tea, a sort of PA criticism.

bobbyjoe · 25/12/2014 22:43

SIL very rude and indulgent. No coaxing to try and get the 4 year old to hang on for 5 minutes until dinner ready at all. Straight to the crisps. No wonder people say they're kids don't eat proper food - they let them have crap just before they're due to eat proper food. I've been in many situations like this - lolly allowed by one friend as we're sitting waiting in a pub for lunch to be served, cake bought by another instead of a sandwich at lunchtime - no attempt at setting proper eating patterns. No thought whatsoever either to other people trying to instil some proper eating habits into their kids (me and my kid who has to watch on wondering why it's one rule for one kid and another for him). Presumably this 4 year old doesn't have a food problem otherwise her uncle would be aware and have cut her some slack.

Tough the SIL didn't like what the DH said. I know it's Christmas but his kids, also under 8, were having to watch all this and I think to head off the "X was allowed pudding but didn't eat her meal and she also got crisps!" whining he put his foot down. SIL could bear her little angel being disciplined so kicked off. SIL should have said to the 4 year old - see, there are rules and you can't always have what you want when you want. No one wants to see a little girl denied a pudding but it really didn't need to get to that stage if the SIL had any parenting skills - i.e. if she'd stopped the crisps and at least encouraged some of the meal to be eaten, saying if you eat this little bit then there's a lovely pudding at the end. When did people start giving crisps 5 minutes before dinner then allow a pudding when no attempt made to eat the dinner! Shockingly indulgent parenting. SIL made a rod for her own back.

Goldmandra · 26/12/2014 00:19

Presumably this 4 year old doesn't have a food problem otherwise her uncle would be aware and have cut her some slack.

That isn't a reasonable assumption. Families often get irritated watching children, in their eyes, being overindulged and pandered to and decide to demonstrate how it should be done.

bobbyjoe · 26/12/2014 00:43

Goldmandra - the OP doesn't mention any serious food/eating problem the child has beyond wanting crap over a proper dinner so yes it is a reasonable enough assumption to make that she doesn't have one.

I agree people get irritated and decide to demonstrate how it should be done. SIL breeding a spoilt child.

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2014 01:21

Would anyone else love to hear the SILs perspective on this whole incident?

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2014 02:39

It is very rude to serve your child a snack while a meal is being plated up
It is very rude for a child to look in cupboards for food in someone else's home, without asking

It is rude to tell a child (who isn't yours, doesn't live at your house & is therefore unaware of the rules) that she cannot have pudding just because she didn't eat her main (especially at Christmas). That is a choice made by parents. I wouldn't have forced a child to eat the food.

If child was mine, she wouldn't have been given crisps while host was dishing up dinner & would have been told off for trying to help herself to food in people's cupboards. I would relax the rule on no pudding of no dinner eaten, on occasion that it is Christmas & I wouldn't' want to anyone to get upset on a day where we were all together for a meal, it can ruin the atmosphere (as it did).

If I was entertaining, I would make sure there wasn't a massive gap between arriving/eating. I would lay on some nibbles if it looked like there was a delay, but I object to a child being given a snack while I was plating up a meal I had spent hours cooking. However Neither I nor dh would think it our place to refuse a child pudding. That is a rule set by parents, not relatives, regardless of my house rules.