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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Is it me or my parents? Huge row.

464 replies

Sequinscheermeup · 23/12/2014 14:42

Will try to keep this short. I went out at the weekend for the second time this year. I go out once or twice a year. This is because I am a lone parent and have no childcare. Its fine, I am used to it. So last weekend I asked my parents to look after my children so that I could go out. We went and stayed at their house. They are not the easiest people in the world but I make the effort and they do seem to love the children. I have two dc. My parents have probably looked after them about seven times in their lives, my eldest is 11.

Anyway I drank too much, far far too much Blush and the next day I was simply not capable to drive. Every other time they have had them I am always back by 10 am the next morning, I have never been late. I cannot tell you how ill I was, I don't even know if it was just hang over because we ate out too and I am wondering if there was food poisoning involved too as it is not like me to be so ill. As I couldn't stand up without being sick my sister (who I had gone out with) called my parents and said can you hang onto the kids for a bit "Sequins" is really ill and she can't drive like that. She said my Mum was clearly annoyed. So I slept for a bit longer then phoned her and explained that I couldn't drive. She was clearly angry.

In the end I managed to get home in the evening, I probably still shouldn't have been driving. My parents were kept informed throughout. On arrival they were absolutely furious and started shouting and yelling at me about this. I am afraid I refused to accept the bollocking as I felt it was undeserved and pointed out to them how much free childcare they had had from me for my siblings over the years (big age gap and from the age of about 11 I babysat constantly, ALL childcare during school holidays etc) different times back then I suppose. I also pointed out that I had done this many times at night until the early hours etc. In fact they have never had to pay for a babysitter for their youngest children because I did it all and quite often their friends children too. I also pointed out to my Dad who was ranting about me being too drunk to drive that I had witnessed repeated incidents of him being drunk and hung over and how it had impacted on our family as we grew up. He then tried to throw me out, relented and let me stay because my children were in bed and told me to "get out first thing tomorrow and that is it between us, we are finished". They have form for falling out with people for years and years. The following morning I left after a few cross words with my Mum, who still thought they were totally in the right.

Anyway if you have got through all that, I am feeling terrible about it all today, just so sad, its Christmas and my dc heard some of it and it was made clear what an imposition it was to have been looking after them. I don't know whether it should be me extending the olive branch or not, not that I feel much like it right now. Thanks for reading Smile

OP posts:
Sequinscheermeup · 24/12/2014 01:05

Grin Chipping at only one thing to do with the olive branch.

OP posts:
Sequinscheermeup · 24/12/2014 01:07

Really? That's all you read? See I knew my concern about comprehension skills was fully warranted.

There's a reason I am still posting at 1.00 am on Christmas Eve morning and it doesn't involve Wine. Just one sick child in bed with me with a bucket beside him.

OP posts:
Sequinscheermeup · 24/12/2014 01:09

Oh and it was actually 12 hours late! See I knew you hadn't read/comprehended the thread properly Smile.

OP posts:
Evelight · 24/12/2014 01:11

Do not ask for favours re childcare! Shell out for a babysitter! if you can't afford it, don't go out.

I know theoretically it would be awesome to rely on loving parents to provide the occasional spot of free babysitting, but I also learned the hard way (nothing as dramatic as yours) that I can't rely on my parents to babysit. Even though I also provided tons of free babysitting to younger siblings growing up (huge age gap etc etc). There's no point in bringing that up- your parents could counter that they also provided you with free food and free accommodation. You can't think of your parents in terms of service-providers- I know some people do, and it seems to work out, but in general, it doesn't. Childcare is incredibly hard and frustrating- Babysitters all the way!

Jingleyflashyballs · 24/12/2014 01:12

One thing I've learnt on here is to never expect anything from grandparents. No matter what they do for the grandchildren etc it is their lives. Doesn't matter if they are doing more for other dc you can not expect them to help you out. You could be run ragged from working etc and still some on here think that grandparents shouldn't help out. Now I know why I name changed as when I desperately needed help some chose to beat me with 1 fact I'd posted and beat me with it.

cakedup · 24/12/2014 01:14

I just don't get it. Maybe it's a culture thing? I was born in the UK but my parents comes from a Mediterranean background. In their country, it would be considered an INSULT to get a childminder when the grandparents are available. 'Service-provider' is a horrible way of putting it. I'd prefer to call it 'being there for your family'.

cakedup · 24/12/2014 01:18

I sometimes offer to pay for petrol money when my mum comes down especially to babysit - she is always offended and never takes it. Just like I would never take money off her if I bought her something I knew she needed. She helps me out with ds and it's not a chore for her. Just like it's not a chore for me when I accompany her to her hospital appointments, or help her sort her loft out.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 24/12/2014 01:20

But at the time it seemed she just suffering from a massive hangover, and therefore unfit to collect her kids. Yeah, I'd be pissed off.

Ah well, we are all different. My parents would have no problems verbalising that this was unacceptable. My in laws don't like the confrontation, so would only complain to the rest of the family about how inconsiderate and inconvenient such behavior was.

And picking up your children many hours late because you have the mother of all hangovers is extremely inconsiderate. Even if you did loads of free babysitting back in the day.

But hey, seems like I have different understanding regarding reasonable behaviour to most posters in this thread. So be it.

Sequinscheermeup · 24/12/2014 01:21

Oh that's reminded me caked I regularly used to up sticks and come and stay in my parents home to care for their dog while they went away on holiday or weekends, only don't anymore because my dc are in school and parents go away during term time. So a fair few recent favours clocked up too.

OP posts:
Jingleyflashyballs · 24/12/2014 01:22

Cake. I got told that my mum didn't owe me anything. I can't go into detail but it pisses me off when I see someone getting a hard time who's had 1 night out in god knows how long . Op YANBU

Sequinscheermeup · 24/12/2014 01:23

Or maybe if YOU could comprehend what has been said on the thread instead of leaving the bits out that don't fit your version of events then you'd understand why many agree that the punishment did not fit the crime?

OP posts:
Jingleyflashyballs · 24/12/2014 01:28

Fucking hell my brother and his girlfriend would go down really well with alot of you. The thing is though they would be well deserving of the slating as it happens all the time. Yet I got told I was bu because I'd like my mum to have mine on a weekend night for a change. 1st time in months. This site depresses me and upsets me in equal measures.

PhaedraIsMyName · 24/12/2014 01:31

Ok haven't read all the way through but your parents' reaction is completely OTT.

Some terribly sanctimonious replies on here.

SoleSource · 24/12/2014 01:32

Did your parents have to cancel their plans?

YANBU

My parents and Sister were cold and harsh. Unrealistic attitudes.

Mydelilah · 24/12/2014 01:32

Why are people downplaying the fact that OP was exploited for free babysitting during her childhood/teen years? On what planet is this type of offloading of responsibility on one of your DC acceptable?

Also, I can't understand this conviction that DPs should not take part in looking after their DC, or even want to...families willingly help each other in normal, functional circumstances.

I am genuinely flabbergasted by some of the attitudes in this thread.

Imgoingdeeperunderground · 24/12/2014 01:34

OP I'm lucky in that my dd's grandmothers are both actively involved in her life and actually compete to spend time with her. She has sleepovers frequently so that I can have time out and so that I can run errands. Life would be so much harder without this help and I cant imagine how tough it is for parents who don't have this type of support, especially single parents. I do also wonder if it is a cultural thing as I come from a culture where it would also be considered an insult to leave my DD with a babysitter when family are capable of helping as cakedup has said. I think your parents are arseholes if I'm honest. I don't think grandparents should be a babysitting service, but a couple of nights out a year for you should be viewed as valuable grandparent and grandchild bonding time in my opinion. If my DD has kids one day I will be more than happy to help out from time to time. My child will always be my child and as I brought her into this world I feel it is my responsibility to care for her and help her with the things she needs even when she is an adult with children of her own. I am not saying I would want to be a doormat, but if she needs a couple of nights to herself a year, she is going to get them. I don't get this whole 'your kids are your kids' attitude when it comes to grandchildren.

Jingleyflashyballs · 24/12/2014 01:37

I'm going deep, great post.

Imgoingdeeperunderground · 24/12/2014 01:39

And I also babysat an enormous amount for my mum when I was young and she often cites this a part of the reason she wants to support me now I have my own child. Its clearly not the only reason, but she does value what I did to help her. Your parents sound very selfish, sorry.

LapsedPacifist · 24/12/2014 01:40

Po-faced smug miserable buggers on this thread! Hmm We still live in a miasma of judgemental Victorian shite about how 'Unmarried Mothers' Shock Shock ought to conduct themselves.

Not good to get bolloxed, natch, but far far worse for your parents to sound off in front of your DC!

Imgoingdeeperunderground · 24/12/2014 01:41

Thanks Jingley. It just blows my mind when I see posts like the OP's.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 24/12/2014 01:43

Really, are there so few of us on this thread that thinks that turning up 12 hours late, because of a massive hangover, is not cause for a bollickung?????

Sequinscheermeup · 24/12/2014 01:53

What do you term a bollocking though? Screaming in someone's face and telling them to get out of your house in the middle of the night?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 24/12/2014 01:55

It might be cause for a bollocking if the OP had simply vanished and been out of contact for hours and hours. But first her sister phoned, and then she herself phoned to explain the situation; the grandparents weren't missing out on anything, and the OP only goes out twice a year and has never been this ill before.
The grandparents are selfish and unreasonable, and bullies by the sound of it. And every parent needs childfree time. The sort of pious wankers who believe motherhood is one long martyrdom are actually bad parents themselves, as they expect unending gratitude from their children as well as tons of attention and praise to fill up their own empty minds.

HelenaDove · 24/12/2014 01:57

OP i think your parents have behaved appallingly. So you had a night out and got pissed You have a right to let your hair down.

And your parents are a couple of hypocrites.

Hope you feel better soon.

Sequinscheermeup · 24/12/2014 01:57

I absolutely love you solidgoldbrass Grin

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