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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Is it me or my parents? Huge row.

464 replies

Sequinscheermeup · 23/12/2014 14:42

Will try to keep this short. I went out at the weekend for the second time this year. I go out once or twice a year. This is because I am a lone parent and have no childcare. Its fine, I am used to it. So last weekend I asked my parents to look after my children so that I could go out. We went and stayed at their house. They are not the easiest people in the world but I make the effort and they do seem to love the children. I have two dc. My parents have probably looked after them about seven times in their lives, my eldest is 11.

Anyway I drank too much, far far too much Blush and the next day I was simply not capable to drive. Every other time they have had them I am always back by 10 am the next morning, I have never been late. I cannot tell you how ill I was, I don't even know if it was just hang over because we ate out too and I am wondering if there was food poisoning involved too as it is not like me to be so ill. As I couldn't stand up without being sick my sister (who I had gone out with) called my parents and said can you hang onto the kids for a bit "Sequins" is really ill and she can't drive like that. She said my Mum was clearly annoyed. So I slept for a bit longer then phoned her and explained that I couldn't drive. She was clearly angry.

In the end I managed to get home in the evening, I probably still shouldn't have been driving. My parents were kept informed throughout. On arrival they were absolutely furious and started shouting and yelling at me about this. I am afraid I refused to accept the bollocking as I felt it was undeserved and pointed out to them how much free childcare they had had from me for my siblings over the years (big age gap and from the age of about 11 I babysat constantly, ALL childcare during school holidays etc) different times back then I suppose. I also pointed out that I had done this many times at night until the early hours etc. In fact they have never had to pay for a babysitter for their youngest children because I did it all and quite often their friends children too. I also pointed out to my Dad who was ranting about me being too drunk to drive that I had witnessed repeated incidents of him being drunk and hung over and how it had impacted on our family as we grew up. He then tried to throw me out, relented and let me stay because my children were in bed and told me to "get out first thing tomorrow and that is it between us, we are finished". They have form for falling out with people for years and years. The following morning I left after a few cross words with my Mum, who still thought they were totally in the right.

Anyway if you have got through all that, I am feeling terrible about it all today, just so sad, its Christmas and my dc heard some of it and it was made clear what an imposition it was to have been looking after them. I don't know whether it should be me extending the olive branch or not, not that I feel much like it right now. Thanks for reading Smile

OP posts:
Frostyyspecs · 23/12/2014 22:23

Derek, I'm the same.

I might even do a boozy holiday. I am not only a mum I'm frosty.

EatShitDerek · 23/12/2014 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 23/12/2014 22:41

Op your parents sound bloody selfish and the sad thing is that they don't even know it. Don't hold your breath waiting for an apology petal. I wish you were my daughter, I'd babysit for you all the time to give you a well deserved break. Being a single mum is hard work. As is being in a couple but never having any alone time due to having no baby sitter. Forget them and try to enjoy your Xmas.

PrimalLass · 23/12/2014 22:42

I had a ridiculous night out recently. Like I was 18 again. It was amazing, and reminded this 40-year-old that I still have it.

My Mum would laugh and think I was funny. Not shout in my face,

catsmother · 23/12/2014 22:44

You know what Sequins, I really hope that you and your kids manage to have a good Christmas after all this totally unnecessary and hypocritical crap.

We can argue till the cows come home about your so-called 'irresponsibility' in having any alcohol at all blah blah blah, and whether or not you were affected by a bug (sounds likely), whether you were sufficiently apologetic and so on. But the thing is, you're human and if you made an error of judgement somewhere along the line of your night out and its aftermath then so bloody what. None of us are perfect, we all do things which, with hindsight we realise we could have done better/differently. It's hardly a hanging crime - I see nothing in what you've described as malicious intent for example.

Anyway, that's not the point (for me). Regardless of your parents' annoyance (understandable, to a point) the way they handled it was disgusting with your kids within listening distance. Now that is appallingly irresponsible. They could have been beyond furious with you (for the sake of argument) and it still wouldn't have been right to subject them to such a display of anger. There are ways and ways of dealing with things and frightening kids with your hissing and shouting - not to mention conveying the impression that they're not wanted - is really pretty horrid.

And that's before you get on to your childhood and what was automatically expected of you. Sure, in an ideal world families should help each other out but sounds to me like you were put upon and expected to take on far more responsibility than a child should have been. Like you, I wouldn't have been best pleased to have been admonished so roundly for 12 hours of unexpected additional care (which was likely caused by illness anyway) when I'd done so much for them in the past. Sounds to me as if your teens/early 20s were dominated by their needs with little or no thought given to you as an individual other than what you could do for them - how useful you could be to them. In fact, you can pull out all the old clichés about two wrongs not making a right and all that but good god, I wonder how much of a 'typical' childhood you missed out on - as opposed to a single 'quiet Sunday' ?? Let's get some perspective here.

Sequins - they sound toxic. Their reaction was NOT normal, and you are NOT the devil incarnate, please ignore all the rubbish you've had here. Thing is - and I apologise if I'm putting words in your mouth - I can imagine that you were already feeling pretty shit when you started this thread .... because it's not just the upset of this particular row is it, but I should imagine that such a judgemental and hypocritical dressing down from your parents would be a very unpleasant reminder of how little you seem to mean to them. You've probably felt that for years and years now - and this has probably also been reinforced by their lack of interest in your children and their unwillingness to help you out (sure, it's true there's no law stipulating grandparents must help out with grandkids, but jeez, when someone's completely on their own, you'd kinda hope it might occur to them to give you a break - graciously - every so often, because they care about you and appreciate it's hard with no support). But, if you're anything like me, you're saddened by the lack of interest and lack of support .... so, when on rare occasions, your parents do show some small kindness it means a lot .... and then, if it all goes tits up it can be quite a severe blow emotionally because you go right back to square one, metaphorically speaking, and yet again, you have to face up to the hard fact that actually, your parents don't really care very much about you at all. Not least because they refuse to recognise that everyone makes the odd mistake and whilst they might be annoyed, it doesn't tally with the 'never darken my doorstep again' type reaction.

So .... you're probably dealing with all sorts of feelings right now, feeling very hurt, having reminders of a pretty crap advantage-taking childhood resurfacing because of what's gone on .... and you come on here, and effectively get burnt at the stake. Ridiculous, and unfair, and no empathy at all from people who can't think outside their own boxes for a moment.

As I said, really hope you still manage to have a good Xmas. It's fantastic that you have a good relationship with your siblings so still have family to celebrate with.

Stopmithering · 23/12/2014 22:52

I have never understood the 'I would never do such a terrible thing, therefore you are wrong for doing it' mentality.
You went out, got pissed, needed a bit more support than originally planned.
My own DF would have shrugged it off, been concerned for me, because he loves me and my children.
Your dad screamed in your face, threatened to cut ties with you, tried to physically throw you out?
He sounds feckin horrid.
It's very sad that your parents are so lacking empathy for you, so unable to be the grandparents your children would love them to be, I suspect.
For what it's worth, you must be a wonderful person to have turned out so well, despite your parents' lack of warmth and affection.

wiltingfast · 23/12/2014 22:54

Fgs, they sound awful. Some people on mn are so prissy and judgmental. How is it irresponsible to have your parents mind your children? Such a narrow view of the flow of give and take in a family. I expect my boss to be rigid not my mother. I expect room to be human, but no. It's you apparently. How terrible and presumptious of you. To expect your parents might mind their own grandchildren for a bit. While their child has a break. Jeez. Shocking stuff.

I would be heartbroken they thought their grandchildren were such a burden. Angry too and tbh, it'd be a while before I brought them to see them again.

I'm sorry op. Horrible for you. Hope you have alternatives. No one should only get out twice a year.

bensam · 23/12/2014 23:05

OP, I too only have a crazy night out once or twice a year and did exactly the same as you last weekend. Brilliant night, too much to drink followed by a punishing hang-over. My DC's were at my folks who were only too happy to have them and pleased to hear I'd had a good time. Your parents sound very mean-spirited. It's not like you are putting on them every week!

Sequinscheermeup · 23/12/2014 23:08

Well it's a funny old thing but in the last hour BOTH my dc have complained of stomach pains and my ds has been sick. Dd not as yet but very pale. Clearly they've not been out on the piss so I think we can safely blame a stomach bug with a nice little 24 - 36 hour incubation period. Caught from me I wonder?

I really wish I was joking about this but i am not. How lovely just in time for Christmas SadAngry.

OP posts:
Sequinscheermeup · 23/12/2014 23:11

catsmother your post perfectly sums up how I feel but I have difficulty articulating it. Thanks for posting that.

OP posts:
YouCanDoItNow · 23/12/2014 23:14

I'm sorry I have only read the first two pages, but I feel for you. You have a lot of responsibility and you did look after your own younger siblings a lot. I did not do that and my parents do step in regularly to help me (i'm also an LP). i had too much to drink at xmas party a week ago and although a babysitter had the children I wasnt very well the next day! and I didn't want my parents to know.

I get that drinking too much is irresponsible but you need a break. Brew

AlwaysHoldingOnToStars · 23/12/2014 23:15

Ah no Sequins I hope they're better for Christmas Day. Fingers crossed.

You said your BIL was ill too? How much did he drink?

YANBU, there was no need for your parents to talk to you in that manner. A gentle admonishment, yes. Shouting and screaming in your face, no.

I'm sorry you haven't got supportive parents, and sorry some posters on here can't see that.

EatShitDerek · 23/12/2014 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ikeameatballs · 23/12/2014 23:17

Well, maybe your parents will feel a bit more empathetic in 24-36 hours.

Hope everyone recovers in time for a lovely Xmas.

YANBU!

youjusthaventearnedityetbaby · 23/12/2014 23:19

Sequins, I'm in a similar situation myself. I've spoken about it so much now though I can't bring myself to do it again!! I've had a lot of comfort reading the 'stately homes' threads in Relationships. My parents haven't spoken to me in weeks... Thinking of you....

Starlightbright1 · 23/12/2014 23:31

Sequins..Hope your children fight this off quicker than you.

I have only read pages..

Regardless of the reason unless they had to cancel something they were doing which I can imagine there annoyance then a little support won't hurt.

I am a LP too...Do sit at home most nights and on the rare occasions I go out like to have a drink. I have the odd drink at home..I don't judge myself as a bad parent as a result simply wanting a tiny bit of me time

TooHasty · 23/12/2014 23:33

YABU. You were supposed to be back at 10 am and you didn't collect them til evening.It was the weekend before xmas your parents probably had loads to do.You were 100% in the wrong and totally irresponsible.It is just so rude to assume your DParents had nothing better to do.Pathetic to be bringing up baby sitting when you were 11!!

TooHasty · 23/12/2014 23:35

Your OP said :
'Anyway I drank too much, far far too much blush'
..but now you are trying to make out it was a stomach bug.

Sequinscheermeup · 23/12/2014 23:37

No, I am not trying to "make anything out". Can you read? It also said that I felt so bad that I wondered if it was something else as we had eaten out too.

Now given my kids are ill I think BIL both had a bug.

OP posts:
HarveySchlumpfenburger · 23/12/2014 23:39

For someone who complained on another thread about other posters needing to go back to school to learn to read, TooHasty that's a stunningly stupid post.

flippinada · 23/12/2014 23:41

Given recent posts that is breathtakingly nasty Too. Completely uncalled for.

WilburIsSomePig · 23/12/2014 23:43

YANBU OP. There are some real self righteous and perfect arseholes on here.

differentnameforthis · 23/12/2014 23:44

I do wonder how many times you ever get any down time from your children though? Is it more than twice a year?

Not really. Even when I do get downtime, if someone else (other then dh) has been so kind as to look after them all evening & overnight, then I wouldn't get so pissed that I can't drive to get them as per the agreement. You should have had the courtesy to call them yourself & explain/apologise & say you would be round asap.

Overnight, turning into all day, at this time of year is a piss take. Perhaps they had to miss out on a social event, or some last minute shopping. You didn't seem to take into consideration how your behaviour I drank too much, far far too much would impact on their weekend plans.

Mydelilah · 23/12/2014 23:46

Crikey there are some shitty, horrible, downright nasty posts on this thread! OP YANBU. Not even a little bit. Your parents are unreasonable and want to make you feel bad about yourself, which is such a shame Sad

You get out once or twice a year, have a bit of a blow-out which is quite understandable (who wouldnt fgs!) and this time you have the misfortune to get ill. Instead of support and assistance you get yelled at and frozen out. I really feel for you. If this happened to me my parents would take the piss out of me a bit (before realising I was genuinely ill) but secretly they'd be delighted to have more time with dgcs and to feel needed and helpful....

I hope you can find an alternative childcare option. You deserve to have time out. What a shame for you that you dont have the free (if exploitative) childcare your parents enjoyed.

Your parents seem selfish and quite unpleasant. If I were you I'd be keeping them at armslength and looking for a better support network.

[Hugs] because of the lack of empathy on the thread.

flippinada · 23/12/2014 23:46

What a horrible time you've had in this thread Sequins.

AIBU at it's worse. Absolutely shameful.

Swipe left for the next trending thread