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AIBU?

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Original poster

Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

649 replies

MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 17:32

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

OP posts:
CookieLady · 22/12/2014 19:52

Agree with Saucy. Give them a heads up - especially as your DF's partner has been made redundant.

MarshaBrady · 22/12/2014 19:54

Oh I read that your Dh had texted that message for some reason. You should say so now.

clam · 22/12/2014 19:55

"Landing people with an unexpected £55 bill is very wrong."

What's wrong is sponging freeloaders like the OP's relatives assuming that her dh will pick up the bill.

timetoplay · 22/12/2014 19:55

Please don't leave it to your DH that's really not fair. On the day he gets all the grief and arguments (if any) and you get to play the apologetic 'what can I do' person. You don't want to pay, he doesn't. Support each other and send a text.

MrsCampbellBlack · 22/12/2014 19:56

I wonder how often the people who go by the 'he who invites pays' get invited out again Wink

OP - just spell it out now to people that they will be paying for their own food or cancel it.

myfurbyisalive · 22/12/2014 19:57

*Landing people with an unexpected £55 bill is very wrong."

What's wrong is sponging freeloaders like the OP's relatives assuming that her dh will pick up the bill.*

Exactly this!

handcream · 22/12/2014 19:58

Definitely don't leave it to the meal, we have relatives like this, think that because our kids go to private school we can afford anything. My BIL thinks no one notices when he comes out without his wallet again or every time we see them (two times a year) we end up driving to get a take away and again the wallet is left at home!

It will be horribly embarrassing if they assumed when the bill comes that they expected you to lay. Some relatives come without money so you have been warned

riveravon23 · 22/12/2014 20:00

UPDATE: DH (who gets exasperated at being mistaken for a cash dispenser) has announced that when the bill arrives, he will tell everyone he's paying 50% (ie for me, DH and DSS) and that he'll leave Dad, Dad's partner and brother to sort out the rest. DH is a builder and is used to having difficult conversations about money.

OP, please do not do this! Imagine just being made redundant, and invited out to dinner and then unexpectedly being asked to pay such a sum. I would be totally mortified and it could cause untold problems. All you have to do is write a text or send an email if you feel you really can't talk to your own family.

There is much debate over whether people would expect or pay in these circumstances or not, seems every family differs in their beliefs. This is NOT your fault, but it WILL be your fault to ask people to pay a huge sum unexpectedly on the action night. Please don't do this - just send a text, you have a dozen examples to chose from on previous posts.

Osmiornica · 22/12/2014 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 22/12/2014 20:01

Why on earth would you want the fallout in public, in front of a restaurant full of diners and staff? Surely that is far more embarrassing than just sending a text message in advance and dealing with whingers on an individual basis ?

Osmiornica · 22/12/2014 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarshaBrady · 22/12/2014 20:03

Let people feel in control of what they're spending, make it clear. I think it's crazy not to. Just sort it out now and enjoy the meal.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2014 20:08

Well if you leave it until the day, it's going to get ugly. Is that what you want a big bust up in public in a restaurant.

2rebecca · 22/12/2014 20:11

Agree sort it out in advance, if they don't want to pay that much then they do their own thing and express surprise at them ever expecting you to pay the lot.

Original poster
MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 20:15

DH cannot imagine any reason why they would assume its a freebie, so can't see any reason why it would be a problem?

If they don't wish to pay, then we'll pay and it will be lesson learned.

I have to confess that I'm still not very comfortable about sending the text, even though I concede it's good advice.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2014 20:17

How can a meal be 'subbed' yet the invitees be expected to bring cash/cards?

I think it's this kind of thing that makes things very unclear. Be absolutely clear and make sure that the worst case scenario is one that you'll be happy with.

Fluffyears · 22/12/2014 20:21

This sounds like MIL all over. Never puts hand in pocket for anything even though eating out is at her suggestion. I was surprised when we took her out (using our fuel as usual as Dp is a free taxi don't you know) and she said 'I'll pay for lunch for us all.' Oh nice, three weeks later I'm still waiting for this lunch Angry. We ended up getting a take away on way home which she handed us £5 for and we paid the other£13+. Make sure they pay up.

Fanfeckintastic · 22/12/2014 20:22

Send the text or it'll be plaguing you over the Christmas!

SisterMoonshine · 22/12/2014 20:23

Well you can see it could be a potential problem... hence the OP.
I still say send the text.

FindoGask · 22/12/2014 20:27

I agree that you should really resolve this before the meal otherwise you will be dreading the moment the bill arrives. They're family, it's not like you can't talk to them. Just ask if they're OK to pay their share.

For what it's worth, on the basis of what you've said, I certainly wouldn't expect someone to pick up my £65+++ tab unless they'd said explicitly that they were going to pay for everyone.

MrsKoala · 22/12/2014 20:33

DH cannot imagine any reason why they would assume its a freebie, so can't see any reason why it would be a problem?

Really, well the fact that they have expected you to pay and you have before might be a reason. Oh and this...

rather than letting DH do his usual "hurriedly jumping up and paying"

Pumpkinpositive · 22/12/2014 20:33

What you and your DP are proposing is really, really daft. You will NOT enjoy that meal for fear of what likely may await you after pudding.

I don't understand your aversion to the text message suggestions. Text messaging was INVENTED for confrontation averse wimpy types. Xmas Confused

whatever5 · 22/12/2014 20:37

DH cannot imagine any reason why they would assume its a freebie, so can't see any reason why it would be a problem?

Obviously he does see that there could be a problem as in your OP you state that he said ""what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?"

chicaguapa · 22/12/2014 20:41

Can you pretend that the venue has asked for a deposit for everyone and send out a text message or email asking for everyone to drop round a deposit beforehand? This will kickstart a conversation about them having expected you to pay and then you'll have time to cancel when you find out you're expected to pick up the bill.

calzone · 22/12/2014 20:42

But if you had invited them for Boxing Day lunch & then decided to go out to a restaurant, I might think you were paying......

£55 is a lot for BD lunch.....