Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

But you said that if they dont want to pay then you will, so whats the point in DH even saying anything?

Why did you ask what you should do if you dont actually want to do the obvious thing of setting it out now that you are not paying?

You said that it will be lesson learned, but clearly it wont be as this has happened before and you are allowing to happen again, no lesson has been learned has it? Learn for the LAST time, and sending the bloody text!

Text: "The restaurant has advised us that there will not split the bill, so you'll need enough cash on you to pay 65 for the meal, plus your drinks."

If you can't text them then ask your oh to do it, but seriously get this sorted tonight so people know the score and come prepared to pay. If not the meal could end on a sour note.

It is much fairer on everyone to let people know the bill total before the meal. Your plan is making it a whole lot worse IMO.

I am actually stressed about this now.
I do think that your families are unreasonable if they expect you to pay. But you have experience of them doing this, so it's likely they will do so again.
Also, you say you invited them, which is not quite the same as arranging an event, and your DH often pays, so its not unreasonable to assume they might be expecting you to pay.
If you want to embarrass people and enjoy the drama/ stress/ martyrdom of misunderstanding then your plan is perfect.
If you want to avoid stress and upset at the meal then a text confirming the arrangments is the only sensible option. If your Dh is used to having conversations about money then he must know this too.

chic OP has already forked out the £10 deposit for each and every person (£60)

You cannot possibly be more comfortable with a boxing day face-off than sending a txt now.
It need't be confrontational. Its perfectly possible to deliver the information in a tactful way.
And your DH can see why there would be a problem. He is the one who raised it.

could you forget eating out and do a meal at yours then no one will out of pocket. why can't your dad pay for his redundant partner anyway,

You should be much angrier than you are about their general freeloading. It's so disrespectful and selfish .

Honestly don't play the martyr and pay up meekly if they don't stump up.

People could save themselves so much heartache if they stuck up for themselves and said what they really meant note to self

I haven't had the chance to read through the whole thread, but I'd never expect the organizer to pay unless they specifically said it was their treat whether they stated the price or not, it's never been the case in any group of friends I've had! I would just ask when invited what it costs if I wasn't told.

At 65 quid a head though,I'd definitely want to know upfront because that is a lot of money, especially considering drinks and tip on top!

Perhaps a text saying that the restaurant required a £10 deposit pp so, despite the menu price saying £65pp, they'll only need to bring with them £55 plus money for drinks/tip in cash, which they can give to your DH and he'll put the bill on his card. Couch in in terms of "Hurray! That's £10 less you need to bring/spend!" and then not only will they have no excuse for not bringing cash, they'll look especially stingy/feckless if they text back asking, "Wait, we have to PAY for our own MEAL?"

I don't understand what you have to gain by leaving this until after the meal

Just send a text. If they complain say fine we can cancel your spot. Don't let them get away with not paying.

I don't understand this thread. You've asked for a solution, got one but won't act on it.

OP, you are being really silly and you are not thinking this through. You have to take responsibility for things sometimes.

If your family already intend to pay then they won't mind a 'clarification' email.

If your family think you are going to pay then it's going to be much less embarrassing all round if you send them a 'clarification' email. It's actually really unfair on them if they genuinely think you are treating them to try to embarrass them into paying after the meal.

Being honest and straightforward is always the best way of dealing with these things. If you would like them to pay but you are unsure if they know your intention then you have to TELL THEM and you should tell them now not after the meal.

If they are cool with paying, as your DH is now saying, there is absolutely no harm in sending the text. It'll just be a gentle reminder of how much they need to bring. If it does surprise them, then much, MUCH better upfront now than in the restaurant with £400+ owed.

I cannot imagine going out with a family member and expecting them to pay for my dinner. I would feel like a robber! I think your dh's idea is best just to say he'll pay the half for your family when the bill comes. Having said that do they know it's £65 each as that's a massive bill?

I can't understand them always trying to get away with not paying in general. I always pay my share of the bill and I remember people who try not to pay their fair share and never go out with them again. Eg I know a couple who drink a bottle of wine each whilst everyone else has one drink and they'll cheerfully say shall we just split the bill or someone else who had tonnes and tonnes of food and booze whilst a couple of others who were on a budget had small meals with water but the greedy one said we will just split it.

You are assuming they'll think it's a freebie, that's why you passed here OP. So you prefer fallout at the Christmas table, with uncomfortable and really pissed off feelings from your DH to a short friendly text?

You need to be more assertive with these people, not be stressing about crap like this. Just send the texts mentioned above, maybe add on about buying a couple of bottles of fizz or a couple of drink around yours after so the text seems more natural.

Fanfeckintastic you said I would never expect someone to pay just because they suggested it, I'm genuinely shocked that so many people would expect to not put their hand in their pocket

Its the way it works for some people just as a matter of course which is why I think it can be confusing to others.

if someone asked me if I fancied going out for a meal I would assume splitting the cost. text as per a pp. looking forward to seeing them, its £65 each.

What is more embarrassing? A short but succinct text, or six people in a restaurant on Boxing Day all argueing over a bill.

Send the text, if they back out no one loses face, give your family note not guests the choice, you are all grown ups

Well in that case clearly you can afford to pay hundreds of pounds for other people's food and drinks - if you couldn't afford it then you would just tell your family the truth.

Either that or you thrive on drama - hence the preference for the showdown in front of everyone ; or you enjoy playing the martyr ; or perhaps you want to see your unemployed relative squirm with embarrassment.

People can only take the mickey because others let them get away with it.

I wouldn't be able to go out for a meal that cost £65. It would be a terrible shock to me. I would always expect to pay for my own meal but have never been in the position to pay that much.
You really do need to prepare them.

' had a Terrible dream last night at being handed a £400 bill for lunch on Fri.
Just checking everyone knows it costs £65 pp plus drinks.
Phew! I can sleep now. Looking forward to seeing you all....love Cat.'

So if none of them have cash/cards with what then?

are you liable if the booking is in your name?