Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

Sounds like way too much hassle - you should live and learn. I wouldn't bother arranging a meal out next year to be frank if you are stressing over everyone's tight fistedness this year. If you have paid for everyone in previous years, they will definitely expect that to be the status quo unless you state explicitly otherwise.

OP send a text to everyone saying

"looking forward to seeing you. It's £65 a head, although I've already paid all your deposits so it'll only be £55 for you on the day".

That shows your generosity, but lets them know they are to pay.

Unless someone's just won the lottery why on earth should they think it's free

^This. I don't get why people would even want other people to pay their way?

I would definitely send a text. The bill will be approximately xx excluding the drinks. Might be easier if we all bring cash as it's easier to settle a multiple bill using cash rather than confuse them using several cards....

Sounds very weird to me in terms of how it was organized. We are eating out Xmas dinner at £60 per head. I organized it all but the first point of call was checking everyone was ok with cost as Xmas day and Boxing Day restaurants vary their costs a lot.

I would never expect anyone to pay for my meal and even if they did and made it clear they wanted to, I'd still make sure I bought the wine etc - to just sit back and let someone pay for 6 people at £65 a head is pretty poor manners regardless of whether you thought they'd offered.

I can't believe no one has asked you or that you haven't been asked to provide food choices by now

Please sort this out now, don't leave it until Boxing day or not only will you be paying £65 a head for 6 people, but you will also be paying for all of the drinks. Drinks could easily mount up to another £150. Do not pay.

The difficulty is the behaviour of the family previously and the ambiguity of the invite.

If it was "Please would you join us " I would expect you to pay

If it was " Wouldn't it be nice to get together, fancy sharing a meal" I would expect to pay.

Sending the menu via email wouldn't clarify anything, it could be interpreted as "Look at how generous we are" or "Please look at the menu and consider your options as you are paying".

You send an email " Looking forward to seeing you at x on y. We have paid your £10 non refundable deposit, so we will deduct £60 from the total bill. As shown by the menu, sent previously, each person will need £65pp meal. If you have had a change of plans, please let me know. "

If they say we thought you were paying, reply, saying you hadn't intended to host the lunch. If the the cost is too much, you understand completely if they would prefer to make other arrangements.

To prevent embarrassment you lose the £10 deposit, it's a lost £30 deposit, rather than an £400 bill.

OP you said yourself that DH's dad "tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering". That sums it up really. Why on earth would he suddenly assume differently.

Forwarding the menu that happens to have a price on it doesn't say "you are expected to pay your way suddenly". It just says "do these options look ok to you all?" or "please let us know your menu choices as the restaurant wants them in advance."

Send the text. An awkward silence when the bill comes is a much worse outcome, because it'll either cost you over £400 or leave everyone else feeling disgruntled. If they pull out, they pull out. Also, I suggest you do not offer to organise the drinks bill or suggest everyone gives you their share to organise, as these are both ways for you to end up subbing them.

Look, it really doesn't matter what any of us would assume. OPs relatives have previous for being tight, and it's clearly not been made crystal clear about who is paying so far; so OP clearly needs to make it so,now.

I wouldn't expect someone to pay just because they made the arrangements. But in this situation I think you need to confirm with people that the meal will cost them £65 pp.
Your families have form for being tight and It might well be that you have given them the impression that you're happy to pay.

Yes and if you pay this year because you were too shy to say something, you'll have to pay every year!

If this was a matter of a few quid then yes, put it down to experience and recognise that you need to be clearer next time meals out are planned. But it isn't, is it? It's FOUR HUNDRED QUID. Are you seriously prepared to make your own family make stringent economies for the next month because you haven't got the courage to clarify the bill paying arrangements now? Because if you are, then I think, with respect, you are more than silly. And I don't mean to sound harsh!

OP does not seem very interested in taking people's advice on this thread, wonder why she asked?

I think you must be extremely clear in advance about your expectations. Text or phone "Just to be clear about lunch on Boxing Day, we need to split the bill equally. Hope that's OK with everyone."

I know I'm a coward, but a £400 bill does seem preferable to causing a huge family fall-out

Well there's no problem then, is there? Pay the £400 and treasure the feeling that your family are a bunch of free-loaders.

Personally if my family wouldn't give me the time of day over Christmas without me taking them out for a fancy meal I couldn't afford, I'd learn to live without them.

I would never expect someone to pay just because they suggested it, I'm genuinely shocked that so many people would expect to not put their hand in their pocket

UPDATE: DH (who gets exasperated at being mistaken for a cash dispenser) has announced that when the bill arrives, he will tell everyone he's paying 50% (ie for me, DH and DSS) and that he'll leave Dad, Dad's partner and brother to sort out the rest. DH is a builder and is used to having difficult conversations about money.

OP you sound lovely and nice but a bit of a Muppet ( meant in the nicest way)
Please make it clear via text
Agree with the "confirming arrangements, £65 a head bit we have paid your deposit as an extra Christmas gift"
People will take advantage of your nice nature and the fact you want to avoid a scene #bitter voice of experience

Well done op

Please come back OP and say you've sorted this!

I do know where you are coming from though... I've ended up in similar situations with family and meals out. DH always jumps up and pays at the end and now they come to expect it.

Why leave it until the actual meal. It would cause less trouble if you warn people in advance that they will be paying £65 surely?

I really do think you should let everyone know it will be £65 per head.

While I would assume I would pay for myself/mine, I would like to know the cost so I can decide if I want to pay it. I think they need to know the cost beforehand

If they are expecting to be paid for it is quite likely they wont have any way of paying a suprise bill, DO NOT LEAVE IT until after the meal.

Landing people with an unexpected £55 bill is very wrong.

What Saucy said

Not mentioning it and hoping they volunteer to pay is a poor strategy. If you don't communicate then be in the full expectation of paying the £429 bill all yourselves.

Etiquette-wise, if you "issue invitations" I'd expect you to pay. If you are wanting it to be a Dutch treat I'd expect you to be very specific at the time of making arrangements. As there have been previous occasions when you've footed the bill it seems quite likely they will assume this is happening this time.

Assuming the £65 doesn't include drinks, I'd send the following as an email.

Hi all - re: Boxing Day just a reminder that although we're subbing the meal that doesn't include drinks or tip so please bring cash or cards for that. Contributions towards the food from those of you who are earning would of course be welcome, but only what you can afford. (we'll let off #xxx and #yyy of course )

Light hearted in tone, shouldn't cause any offence and gives the skinflints room to not contribute and not be offended if that's their choice.

You'd be MAD to leave it till the meal OP!