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Original poster

Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

649 replies

MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 17:32

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

OP posts:
whatever5 · 22/12/2014 19:02

Most people would expect to pay their share for the meal out but I think that if your family normally assume you will pay they are probably going to do the same on this occasion. My BIL would be the same. In fact he expects us to pay even if he has made the arrangements. The one time we asked him for money he said that he didn't have any with him! Obviously we don't go anywhere with him now.
I think you need to text them all and check that they are happy to pay the £65 as it is quite a lot for a meal even on Boxing day.

myfurbyisalive · 22/12/2014 19:02

the person who requests the pleasure, pays for the pleasure

It's a family meal, not a session with a hooker.

KateMosley · 22/12/2014 19:02

If I was invited to this I would assume you were paying.

If I invited people out for a meal I would either make it very clear each person paid for themselves or if I just said 'would you like to come out for a meal' I would mean I was paying.

riveravon23 · 22/12/2014 19:04

This 'you invite = you pay' notion is shocking to me. I would never assume this. Do only rich people organise the meals then?

Isn't it strange, my furby how we can completely differ, as in my experience, the opposite has been true. btw I could from a very poor working class area, with no money to spare.

I guess this is why things should be spelled out at the beginning, because had you and I been both invited we would have thought completely differently.

Op, hope it is sorted soon - a simple email and everyone will know where they stand, and you can all relax and enjoy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2014 19:04

ItsAllGolingToBeFine... That's my understanding too - the person who requests the pleasure, pays for the pleasure.

People really need to stop 'inviting' if that's not what they really mean. You can't posture as a host and then not be one.

If you want to organise a hotel meal then you be upfront and just send out a general e-mail that you'll be there with x and y on this date and time. If anybody else wants to go you'll get them added to the table and they'll be billed separately.

MrsCampbellBlack · 22/12/2014 19:04

I would just never assume I was being paid for unless the organiser explicitly said so.

But I am way too low class to reference debretts for my everyday life Wink

Genuinely laughing at myfurby Smile

timetoplay · 22/12/2014 19:06

Why not text as everyone has said but if you want to soften the blow because you are scared just put £50 for drinks tab or something? Sort in advance or they will be upset and you will be silently fuming.

Sprink · 22/12/2014 19:08

It's a family meal, not a session with a hooker

Okay, that made me smile. But...

we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes

To me this is less a request (let alone an invitation), more a straw poll.

Come back, OP, we're on tenterhooks.

MrsCampbellBlack · 22/12/2014 19:08

I don't think the op 'was posturing as host' just trying to organise a nice family get together.

soupey1 · 22/12/2014 19:09

If I was invited to a meal I would assume whoever invited me was paying especially if they hadn't mentioned the cost. If someone said shall we all go out and it will be £65 each I would assume we were each paying our own.

woodychip · 22/12/2014 19:10

Woman up woman! If you are too scared to ring then texting is the easy way out and you have loads of good suggestions as to what to text. Come on! Do it now!

CupidStuntSurvivor · 22/12/2014 19:10

In my family generally the whole bill is paid by one person or a couple. But that person or couple always states that it's their treat beforehand. There are no shirkers...we've all been the bill payer willingly on many occasions and our arrangement means if one of us is going through hard times, that person doesn't get left out and can repay the favour when they're in a more fortunate position. It's not inconceivable though that if we hadn't noticed that nobody had offered, some of us might be stuck for payment because our family norm is that we wouldn't need our wallets because we're used to a single person footing the bill. It's never happened, but it's not beyond the realms of possibility.

OP, the fact that the menu has prices on it doesn't mean you discussed cost with them. And you definitely muddied the waters by paying the deposit and the other people having no input to the restaurant chosen, etc. Especially when the place you've chosen is so expensive. You don't want to leave it to the day because if they're as grabby as you say and have assumed you're paying despite it not being the norm in your family, you could well cause a big fall out on the day due to embarrassment if some of them can't afford it. Just send a text saying "just checking as Christmas shopping can leave us all poorer than expected, can you all still afford £65 a head plus drinks? If not, I'd paid £10 a head deposit to reserve the table so would appreciate that back. ta x"

cricketpitch · 22/12/2014 19:11

I would be expecting you to pay if you chose the place and invited me without checking /agreeing the cost. If I am paying for myself I usually check how much it will cost me or confirm it is an invitation before I accept.

Good advice here - sort it out now

GnomeDePlume · 22/12/2014 19:11

I can sympathise with you OP as my family is very good at being backwards about paying for things.

On the other hand you cant afford this so:

Big girl pants on then send that text

FamiliesShareGerms · 22/12/2014 19:12

I'd assume I was paying for myself in this scenario but my parents assume that an invitation always means that they don't need to pay.

It's a bit complicated now with the deposit, isn't it, so you need to say something like "Just checking everyone is still ok for Boxing Day. I've reattached the menu so you can think about what you'd like. We've paid a £10 per head deposit so it's probably easiest for everyone to bring cash to reimburse us and settle the bill. The meal is £65, plus drinks and tip, so we're reckoning on £100 per head."

Tattiebogle · 22/12/2014 19:14

I think there is a big difference between inviting people to lunch regardless of who they are, and organising a lunch for a group of people regardless of who they are.

I think this time round you invited people.

MissBattleaxe · 22/12/2014 19:15

I'm with Mrs Campbell Black on this one. If you have to pay every time you decide to eat with friends and invite them somewhere, then restaurants would be going out of business and nobody could afford to eat out anymore.

Debretts is not for the likes of us. I can't pay for everyone I eat out with unless they are my children! The people I know would think it very weird if we all had to start paying for one another depending on whose idea it was and who was doing the inviting.

Me and SIL often say to each other e.g " We're going to the White Hart for lunch, do you want to come?" and we never pay for each other.

CaptainAnkles · 22/12/2014 19:16

I think everyone should pay for what they have, regardless of who invited who, but there's been a thread about that recently and it always splits opinion. If everyone just paid for themselves these situations and arguments wouldn't happen.

Sprink · 22/12/2014 19:17

If I were invited to a meal as a guest I wouldn't expect the host to email me the menu options and prices in advance. I'd expect no say in the cost or type of food.

This was not an invitation in the denotative sense of the word.

There are a few other families on our street. Every few months one of us will email or text with a "who wants to get together for dinner, maybe at restaurant xyz?" And everyone who attends pays. It's never on the initiating couple. That would only be the case if the language were different: "Mr Sprink and I would love to take you to restaurant xyz" or similar, explicit language. .

I love Debrett's, by the way.

whitesandstorm · 22/12/2014 19:18

I'd think it was strange if they thought you'd be paying. Most people invited out for meals know or should know that they have to pay for themselves. Unless someone's just won the lottery why on earth should they think it's free. Just phone them up and tell them the price of the meals. If they can't afford it just cancel and go out for a few drinks.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2014 19:18

MrsCampbell... I didn't mean that OP was posturing, it was just a general 'you'.

I think the waters are well and truly muddied and I think that even OP isn't clear on how her family will have taken this. In our family, we have different earning levels and this is taken into account. Mostly I will pay or my brother will. The other two brothers don't and we don't let my mum pay. There's a bit of a precedent with non-payers in OP's family too.

whatever5 · 22/12/2014 19:18

Whether or not you assume that the person inviting is paying it is always polite to offer your share though so the OP shouldn't be in a position where she has to pay whether or not there has been a misunderstanding. I assume that my dad is paying for everyone if we go out for a family meal because he always does. I usually offer to pay though as it would seem rude not to!

4yoniD · 22/12/2014 19:18

Slightly different text message possibility...

Just to warn you the restaurant doesn't take cheques - cash or card only.

or

I've checked and the restaurant will take cheques or card.

(might need to check which first!)

KinkyDoritoWithJingleBellsOn · 22/12/2014 19:18

I was made clear in summer when I did this that if it's my invite, it's my bill. It was a big bill...

SisterMoonshine · 22/12/2014 19:18

No. Don't go on the meal not knowing where you stand with this.
You just have to send a simple text. Now.