Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

What a farce!!

You love picking up the tab!

Agreed Float

That was incredibly offensive.

That's pretty rude CheeseBoard.

I think it was a great result.
Your email had made everyone aware that they would need to cover their costs (bonus point: good practice for your assertiveness) So they all ate less (bonus point:fewer calories) and they made attempts to pay (bonus point: good for their self esteem).
As the bill was lower than expected (result!) your DH was able to maintain his superior status (result! -although possibly at the expense of bonus point #3) without your family eating beans on toast for the entirety of January (result!)
I think your DH is hooked on the feeling he gets from paying for everyone. But as this was a more expensive meal than usual at an already pricey time of year you both panicked a bit.

No CheeseBoard, it wasn't a question was it. You meant it as an insult, just as if you were to say "Are you stupid or something".

If you're going to act like a twat, at least own your shitty behaviour.

Of course it was an insult.

If that is what you think, that is what you think. I know what is going on in my head, and you don't, if you want to project the way your mind works onto me so be it. I was questioning why they asked them to pay and then paid and then if they had SEN's.

Most reasonable people would read it the way sooty, float and I did. So if you really are just that crass and rude, hopefully you will think about wording things a bit differently in future.

You are not in charge of me, have a nice day.

Ho hum

thread descends into chaos and insult hurling

Your husband has behaved in an extraordinarily patronising manner. It's as though you have attempted to train children in the art of restaurants, sorted out a solution which would have worked for everybody, and then your husband had come in with his Daddy Knows Best approach and paid for everybody.

Frankly, I am starting to understand why your family behave in the way they do. The way you and your husband behave around this issue - complaining about costs but then insisting on paying - comes over as passive - aggressive, so they have probably figured that it's easier to just let you get on with it, rather than trying to second guess what you are going to do.

Couldn't agree more with Inertia.

Way to ruin the craic on a night out, OP.

Think about it.

Floggingmolly Sat 27-Dec-14 00:09:32

What a ridiculous fuss about what turns out to be fuck all...

THIS. With jingle bells on. Now where can I apply for a refund of the time I wasted on this total non story?

I'm a little disappointed too. We all sat and thought of ways to get you out of paying without causing insult or embarrassment and you wanted to pay all along.
We are all just strangers on the internet.

Another one here who hoped to celebrate your triumph, OP, and who feels, ridiculously, let down by the ending.

does your dh pay out of embarrassment? Next time, make it crystal clear in words of one syllable at the time of invite that everyone pays for themselves, arrange beforehand with the restaurant to have separate bills, restaurants will do this, and for goodness sake get your dh to rehearse staying quiet and not to be panicked into paying the bill..or just confiscate his wallet for the time of the meal and you control the supply of money at the end of the meal, if you can trust yourself..

Was it covered earlier in the thread whether other family members host xmas day at home for family? It's just this reminded me of a colleague telling me that his family had hosted xmas for relatives for five years and when said relatives finally reciprocated, they invited everyone to a restaurant and expected everyone to pay for themselves. He was pissed off and I could see why.

Not sure it set a precedence at all OP! All it's said to them is that you'll pay even when you say you won't, so you look like a fuss has been made over nothing. Setting a precedence would have been making them pay.

Maybe I'm wrong but surely the rest of the family now think that op and her DH had a disagreement on this. She wanted everyone to pay their share but he was having none of it and intended to pay all along. Not one of them will think that it was only the relatively small size of the bill that had DH reaching for his credit card. I hope they never have to arrange a meal again!

Oh goodness. Well I'd never expect anyone to pay BUT would have asked the cost as soon as I was invited. Did no-one ask the cost ?

OP I think the lesson here (if there is one) is for you. Save yourself a whole lot of angst next family meal, by just accepting that your DH is 'that guy' that wants to pick up the bill. If everyone had the set menu I think the result would have been the same.

Or next year keep your mouth closed and let DF or DB pick the restaurant, book the table and deal with the bill and then sit back and watch DH pay it anyway

I have to wonder if those who use questions as insults and then have trouble recognising that they were insulting have learning difficulties themselves or any sort of special needs.

I'm just wondering, of course, I don't mean it as an insult at all.

Please come back OP and at least explain WHY your DH paid after everything you have said before, and no a smaller than usual bill is not the reason. You had grown adults saying they would pay for their own meals and yet your DH still paid!!! Don't get it!