Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

lemmiscared it's all relevant though and has nothing to do with people going without in other places. If I was absoloutely skint with 4 kids to support, then yes £65 would be a massive amount of money.
If I was doing all right financially and could afford it, then £150 per head for a 3 Michelin star plaace would be fine.
I don't think it's that amazing that there is a wide range of income and disposable income in the world.

I'm excited for a Boxing Day update! (Also jealous. We don't have Boxing Day )

I agree the cost is irrelevant. I couldn't afford that right after Christmas, but then I would have said right away.

Have a lovely day OP. :)

As I read it, your email said "Hi all, looking forward to seeing you on boxing day. I have just seen that there is an a la carte option and so if anyone wants to switch to that option then you'll probably be able to keep costs down for yourselves. Otherwise its £65 a head for the set menu. If everyone brings cash that will help when it comes to settling the bill rather than everyone faffing about with cards."

It doesn't really seem to call for an answer, so I wouldn't necessarily be surprised if you haven't had responses.

Cross-posted with OP - glad you got a reply.

I think you can assume now that it is sorted for that part of the family. To be on the safe side, make sure you have cash with you for your families share......why don't you leave YOUR credit cards behind and that way, there is no way you can pay for the others!

Enjoy!

whatever but they didn't suggest a cheaper restaurant when they had chance! It was a democratic decision.

What do you mean by democratic decision though? According to your OP you invited people to the meal at this restaurant which suggests that there wasn't much, if any, consultation about the choice of restaurant. I agree that they should have suggested a cheaper restaurant. I'm just saying that your actions have not been brilliant either regarding this.

whatever you're being very argumentative this festive season!
You seem to be having problems accepting that grown ups can make their own decisions / read/ speak up for themselves ( again).
If the adults who were emailed the invite thought it was too much ( in July) then why didn't they say so.
They have also all been to this place many times so the cost issue is a non starter

Social events where money is required need an email first asking if the price is ok (especially in recent financial times) especially if you already knew there were existing issues with social occasions and . Any organised event needs a round robin email first: with travel details/arrangements, cost, timing etc! Thats quite basic stuff, but i do speak as someone who has done office Xmas parties & Events etc for years, some paid for some not.

I think your invite was not detailed enough: so people will make their own assumptions. You do have to spell stuff out i am afraid:people can be unbelievably or deliberately dense when it comes to money and any organisational 'arrangements'. Just do a quick e. to all re cost before the meal or you get left with the whole bill!

LadyintheRadiator Why? I just think that OP should have checked before booking that they would all be happy to go to the restaurant and pay £65 per head. Considering that OP has previously ended up paying it seems odd that she didn't do this.

Whatever, I think the point is OP suggested the venue as they have all been there before and clearly enjoyed it, as they have all agreed to return

However previously it was assumed by affluent tight relatives that DH obligingly always settles the bill.

As DH isn't even acknowledged in card from DB, no love lost there it is reasonable for OP on this occasion, clarified by email, to expect them to pay their own way. I don't think OPs actions have been poor, she is trying to avert a situation where her relatives continue to take advantage.

Hope you have a lovely time OP

adsy I have already said that OP's family should have spoken up at the beginning. I also think OP should have clarified things though given their history as described by Sazzle41. It that okay?

Whatever, I think the point is OP suggested the venue as they have all been there before and clearly enjoyed it, as they have all agreed to return

Apparently they didn't pay on previous occasions though so would not necessarily have appreciated that they would be paying the full cost this time. It should have been spelt out to them at the beginning this time and then OP would have nothing to worry about. Hopefully it is all sorted now though.

Even if they didn't pay, they could read the menu previously. They know what to expect.

I empathise with OP, we had similar familial financial inequities at family gatherings. That's why we don't do them anymore.

This situation can be very easily solved if brother "forgets" his wallet by saying to the waiter you want separate checks before you even start ordering. That way even if they do remember you don't have them throwing down less than 65 in cash saying that's all they have at the moment.

All you lot on this thread who say they would've expected op to pay because she suggested they all go out, stop it.

Here endeth today's lesson .

its a strange old world in which we live where people come onto a thread incredulous that people think £65 is not a lot of money for a meal when there are people who struggle to feed their children

This thread is getting ridiculous. So because some people are starving in the word then no one should be able to go out for a nice meal? It's all relative to your situation.

DP and I went out for a meal last week that cost £330 for the two of us. It wasn't a special occasion, just fancied going out for dinner. We don't have any, kids and we can easily afford it. What's the problem?

We both work in high end, 5* hotels and restaurants in Mayfair, it would make you sick how much people spend, but it's all relative to how much they have. It's got nothing to do with you how much people spend. From the sounds of it OP's brother can more than afford 60 odd quid as can her father, and I am sure he can cover his missus of 10 years bill this one time.

Thank you myfurby. Yes - my brother can easily afford it, my dad can easily afford to treat his partner.

I won't be organising anything else like this.

Well I would just say well done OP.

While some of us wouldn't be landed in a situation like this because we have less difficult families (and, quite frankly, that's mostly down to luck, isn't it?), this was clearly a difficult issue for you and I think you handled it well. Yes, more faffing and worrying than many would have, but we all struggle with different things.

You could have buried your head in the sand and avoided the issue until the day, but you probably would have given yourself indigestion and the potential for a very awkward situation when the bill arrived. Hopefully this will give you the confidence to stand up to your brother and father in future, which is really a win-win!

Now it's done, relax, enjoy Christmas and the fancy meal.

If anyone "forgets" their wallet. DO NOT pay for them. Pay your share and let them leave their contact details with the restaurant. It is NOT up to you to bail out other adults.

You could text something like.
Just to let you all know I've already paid the Restaurant the £10 per head deposit on booking the meal back in xx (month). Obviously that's going to be deducted from the bill when we all settle up.
Let me know if you want to settle up in cash with me on the day or on Xmas eve/day (If you're seeing them ) or if you want to just pay your £65 per head to the restaurant and we can just bring a little less cash to off set mine, Dh and DSS bill.
Also let me know what you want to do about drinks - do you want to split the bill or add it onto everyone's individual bill.?

Looking forward to seeing you all and the yummy meal love meet my cat xxxx

This tells them
A) you're not paying for them
B) you're bringing cash and this is only enough for the 3 of you
C) you're not paying for their drinks either.

Its going to be like the Eastenders Christmas special.

I have never ever heard of a you invite you pay rule. Everyone I know assumes they are paying towards a meal. I think that is the height of rudeness expecting to be paid for!!

In my book, if there is a discussion of where the meal is and the prices per head are mentioned, then it's obvious that each person pays for themselves.
When it's time to pay, give your card to pay your share and let them sort it out for themselves.
Easy.

Well Done on sending the e-mail OP