Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

Do people really think £65 per head is a lot for boxing day dinner? I would have thought that was about average. OK it's a lot more than a sunday lunch at a harvester but ths is boxing day at a ( I assume) half decent place.
I agree it's a lot more than many of us would be able to afford which is why I don't go out to eat xmas day or boxing day!

She can't come if she won't pay! You're not a charity! Did you send her the email, too?

My hays very rude of your brother to send the Xmas card just to you. Does he not like your husband?

I think that £65 is a lot for a lunchtime meal even on Boxing day. I certainly wouldn't want to pay that much. Having said that people have had plenty of time to suggest an alternative cheaper venue and they could still do so if they wanted to go somewhere less expensive.

I wouldn't think anything of getting no response really. Why should they say anything to a message telling them they can choose a la carte rather than the set menu and to bring cash? It doesn't really require a response surely?

I'm sorry, but the price per head is not the issue here (we've all eaten at this place several times before) it's the assumption of who will pay, and the history of reluctance to pay.

It was, not my hays!!

I do think you are over thinking this a little op.
You don't know that they are going to do this. I think that today's email is fair warning. Take enough cash to cover your share and let them look after themselves.

Meetmycat How do you know that the price per head is not an issue for your family if you are normally the one who pay rather than them? I can afford £65 per head but I wouldn't choose to go somewhere that charges that much for lunch.

has anyone replied to your email yet??

You will have to ask when you all arrive, and if they still expect you to pay then order them all the cheapest thing off the a la carte menu. That'll learn them!

Jug of water for the table, and you, dh and ds have all the lovely things!

its a strange old world in which we live where people come onto a thread incredulous that people think £65 is not a lot of money for a meal when there are people who struggle to feed their children.

£65 is a huge amount of money for a meal. ive paid that in the past but it IS alot of money.

not relevant to the op Who of course isn't being unreasonable at all but it wouldn't surprise me if comments were made if you've always paid before.

They've known how much it was for ages. They now know that there is a cheaper a la carte alternative and it's been made clear to them that they're expected to pay their own way. Glad the OP is sounding more assertive and I hope she and her husband will ensure that the freeloaders don't get their meal paid for.

OP, you've made plans to get together, not made plans to subsidise your affluent but mean relatives who have form for expecting your DH to pay.

The fact your DB doesn't mention you DH whilst expecting him to foot the bill is the height of bad manners.

Your relatives are not exactly covering themselves with glory are they? Maintain your resolve, yanbu, they are.

whatever please read the thread! Affordability is not a problem for my dad and my brother, however their tightness and ability to dodge restaurant bills is legendary.

I could not bring myself to sit down for a pukka meal and expect someone else to pay UNLESS it had been spelt out at the start - i.e. Please come for this lovely meal, it is our treat, do hope you can make it.

Some people have more cheek than the cheekiest thing ever. (Especially loaded BIL - has he no pride?)

Stick by your guns OP.

whatever please read the thread! Affordability is not a problem for my dad and my brother, however their tightness and ability to dodge restaurant bills is legendary.

I did read the thread! I know they can probably afford it (although you won't necessarily know about their true financial status or debts) but that doesn't mean it's not an issue for them. As I said, I wouldn't want to spend that much on lunch despite the fact I earn enough. I think it is too extravagant. That said I would have suggested somewhere cheaper if I was them.

Of course £65 is a lot of money, especially when you think you are going to be lumbered with the bill? (it's a lot of money regardless of who is paying, and I say this as a foodie who lives in London)

Not sure why you would book an expensive restaurant for a bunch of people that have previous for not paying their way and then not make it explicitly that everyone is to pay for themselves?

OP - 17 pages of angst later and you still haven't told the people in question that you won't be paying?

Hope the food is good OP.
I would tell them that your DH is paying for 50% as soon as I see them on the day if they don't reply.

whatever but they didn't suggest a cheaper restaurant when they had chance! It was a democratic decision.

Just had a text from brother, saying "no problem, see you on Friday."

So my message clearly hasn't offended him, let's just hope he remembers his wallet .....

The OP made it quite clear in the email that people are expected to pay for themselves.

All of these people could have declined at the time of booking or suggested somewhere cheaper. They're just scroungers who hope the OP and her husband will put their hands in their pockets - again.

Good - hopefully your brother has got the message.

Yay!

The job is done. The relatives have been told and even if they don't reply, OP can assume they know they need to pay.
At the end, if nothing has been mentioned (which would be surprising) she should do as her family did before....put down their share of the bill in cash and then leave. If anyone tries to dispute it, she can just refer to the email/text which clarified the arrangements before Christmas.

OP and DH need to resolve that under no circumstances will they pick up the bill for anyone apart from their own family.

If I were in this kind of position, in future I would probably not offer to make a booking. And if I did, I would ask for suggestions in advance of a rough guide to what people wanted to pay/where they would like to go and be very clear when making initial contact/confirmation of details of the cost and that people would pay per head.

If she feels there might ever be a circumstance again where she will need to cover the full bill (and some families do work like this....treating the whole family) then she needs to choose somewhere which charges an amount she is willing to pay up.

OP - hope you get some replies and are able to enjoy a lovely meal.

Good news re your brother, hope your dad is as straightforward!