Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

Glad you feel better. I think it's probably one of those situations where they know they are taking the piss but just keep on doing so until you pull the plug! Shocking how brazen some people are like that, taking advantage of others generosity especially if they are more than able to afford it.

Does this resturant have a michelin star or something? i could understand £65 a head on christmas day but not on boxing day. I don't think i'd assume someone would be paying for me but at that price i'd have to politely decline.

Every family meal we go on for DP's side of the family, he always tells them he'll pay the meal on his card and everyone can give him cash. He probably gets the cash from 6 out of the 15 or so leaving him well out of pocket. The last meal, the bill arrived and his sister pointed DP out to the waiter who placed it on the table in front of him. DP put our share down (£100) and pushed it towards his wealthier older sister whose face was comical (she isn't one of the 6 that ever pay up). She asked what was happening and DP explained that was our share paid for and we had to leave to go home see to the pup

We found out afterwards that his two other sisters had paid the rest of the bill as his older sister hadn't brought any money or cards out!

He never has got the money he was owed and that's just in the time I've known him

I'm in Surrey and £65 a head is roughly right for xmas day but boxing day would be far less. Are you sure you are looking at the right menu?

£65 a head for Boxing Day is quite expensive. We are going out for Christmas Day Dinner and that is £40 a head, We usually go out on Christmas Day and I have asked for contributions from those who can afford it. eg my oldest daughter but I wouldn't expect anyone to pay the whole amount for their meal as I have invited them unless this was a clear arrangement before the meal was booked. By the way I would never pay £65 a head,

It's got nothing to do with being in Surrey! It's the restaurant they've chosen.

It's got nothing to do with being in Surrey! It's the restaurant they've chosen.

I'm not sure that makes sense?

The OP sent round the menu with prices clearly on it some time ago and has posted several --times- - it's booked done the time for disagreeing on the restaurant choices is over.
All of you who are now questioning the prices etc it's done it's booked everyone knows the price.
Op hasn't told us where she lives or what the restaurant is. I'm sure some of you think it's pricy but to others it might not be thats irrelevant to this post. I Think it's probably quite fair for 3 courses on a bank holiday when you're paying extra to your staff. It's probably a £40 meal with £15 extra on top for extra wages.

The question is how does the Op make it clear to her well off brother and father (ok and not so well off partner) that she's not paying.

Personally I think she's made it clear and if anyone has an issue with the cost they could have declined weeks ago.

Op just take your £195 cash (plus whatever for drinks) leave your bank/ credit card at home, and just put that in at the end. If you haven't got it you can't pay can you???

Oops my maths £25 on top

I don't think £65/head is excessive for any time of year really. Our fave restaurant is around that much, £15 ish for a starter, £40 for a main and £10 for a dessert. It's exquisitely cooked, presented and tasty so quite happily pay that.

We're near Manchester if that matters.

For those saying £65 is too much, that's not the point of the OP is it? If her brother earned 125K this year then the cost isn't the issue. It's not that the family can't afford it, it's that they are tight.

the hilton tiger green brasserie in green park is £65 per head on xmas day

I llive near Manchester

I regularly pay in excess of £65 per head on a normal weekend let alone Boxing Day. The cost isn't relevent to the post

agree maddy, it's not excessive and irrelevant (but interesting to see that people think it's expensive). if they saw the menu they knew the cost.

i think it's interesting that people think if you invite you should pay. i had friends who would come to ours for slap up dinner, cheese, wine, whisky etc and they would invite us to theirs for dinner. when we'd arrive there would never be any food and they would suggest we go out/get a takeaway and expect us to pay half/for what we ordered. that used to irritate me and i think in that situation the 'host' should pay. (sorry for poor typing - got a grizzly baby in my arms)

Tgggsc

Youareallbonkers "I'm not sure that makes sense?"

Pipbin asked where the OP lived, saying that £65 sounded excessive. My point was that where she lives is irrelevant, as there are expensive restaurants everywhere - as other posters are also saying.

I think it's expensive tbh. Just because a few people choose to go to expensive restaurants doesn't change that. Not 'excessive' though as it's up to people how they spend money.

Our local wetherspoons does Christmas meal and a drink for £8.25. Send them there if they want to be tight

Have you heard back op?

I haven't heard back yet, so I've texted my brother, under the pretence of double-checking he's ok with timings. So hopefully that will prompt a response.

I've also phoned dad's partner, I got her voice mail and asked her to give me a call this afternoon, just to check timings, so I assume I'll hear from her too.

I'm feeling a bit braver today. However we received a Xmas card from my brother this morning, which said 'Merry Christmas MeetMyCat' but made no mention of DH ..... This has strengthened my resolve.

I agree Clam it isn't really relevant, but the op did mention that some people in the group have been made redundant and might not be able to afford it.

My Dad's partner was made redundant in October, several months after this meal was arranged. But surely the onus is on her and my dad to speak up if they feel their changed circumstances may impact on the plans? Why does it suddenly become mine and DH's responsibility just because we booked the table?

One person. One person, who is the partner of the dad who can afford to pay for them both.

why wouldn't he not mention your dh on the xmas card? that's odd isn't it? he's happy to let your dh pay but not say happy xmas to him?

You'd like to think that my dad would pay for his partner's meal (and maybe he will) but I'm not sure why she is suddenly our responsibility? I don't mean that in a nasty way. But I'm not getting this mindset of "the person who books the table suddenly assumes financial responsibility for anyone whose circumstances may have worsened since the arrangements were made", for heavens sake!!!!!

However I have a sneaky suspicion that as dad and his partner don't live together, he won't feel obliged, but that still doesn't pass the buck to us, surely?