Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

I'd naturally assume I was paying for myself. That's what we usually do when we go out with friends. In this case though it looks like you need to text everyone to make it clear.

Well done OP and I really hope this works out for you.

I would not assume I was being paid for either, I would just think that you were kindly doing the organising.

Tricky- with friends it would definitely be assumed it was being split. Occasionally someone will treat everyone, but they would be absolutely insistent with everyone else offering to split it. Certainly there would be no assumption that the organiser would pay.

However....... re family, very different. we never split a bill- someone always just pays it in full, but I guess the key thing is that it's not always the same person- dad and I fight it out between us. If you regularly treat your dad and brother, it may be assumed that you will this time.

There's a world of difference to "Would you like to go to X for dinner on X December?" and "How about we get together over Christmas? The Red Lion is doing a great deal for £65 a head."

There isn't a difference in my mind. I would always assume we have to pay for ourselves.

There's definitely a difference.
So much depends on the history too. The previous form for shirking/ picking up the bill, Whether you're all meeting in a restaurant after a few meals hosted at another person's home, ..

Morning everyone! No one has replied to my email yet (although it's still very early) but I feel LOADS better since I pressed send. I'm sure they all know, deep down, that such a restaurant bill would be mega and far too much for one person, but all of them would still be very happy to see DH cough up for all of it .......

Glad you feel better!

my family are like little tulips. dh and df nearly fell out at one point because df always wanted to pay. They used to sneakily pick up the tab on their way back from the toilet and the other one would be .

There is no way we would expect you to pay just because you organised it.

They don't sound all that kind then tbh. If they can afford to pay for themselves, why on earth should they expect someone else to pick up the entire bill anyway? A bit grabby maybe.

"but all of them would still be very happy to see DH cough up for all of it ......."

I think this would be the last get-together I'd be planning for this crew, until some attitudes started changing. That's an appalling attitude.

I can't believe the state of your brother, OP.

My DB is childless, mostly single, and extremely well paid. He never lets me put my hand in my pocket when we get together.

What an utter tight-arse. And as for your DF expecting you to subsidise his partner -

No, sadly they are NOT very kind - but they're the only family I have. My friends are totally different.

And one more thing ...

... why do people INSIST on pussy-footing and egg-shell-walking around utter buffoons, who all seem to have the hides of rhinoceros, and need no such treatment...?

These socially inept fools don't offer you such courtesy, so why tip-toe quite so delicately around their feelings?

Is it because we're British???

OP, let this set the precedent going forward too. When you see your DB, tell him it's his round/his turn as you paid for the last round. When you sit down to dinner with your DF and his DP, ask if you should get seoarate bills or just go halves.

I agree, I'm amazed at how often women here won't do the obvious thing because "x might get upset" when they are getting upset by x's behaviour. Someone getting upset isn't the end of the world and to an extent we are all responsible for our own feelings so if you do something other people would consider normal and x decides to get upset about it then that's x's problem and they need to deal with it not have their every whim pandered to.
It's normal when going out for a meal to know in advance who is paying. If this has been left unclear then it should be clarified before the meal. Anyone who gets upset because they aren't getting a free meal is a selfish freeloader whose company won't be missed.

Well possibly, but I'm guessing the buffoons/rhinoceri are, too...?

Am I alone in wondering if OP lives in Monaco or somewhere if £65 is considered to be standard for Boxing Day dinner?

Yes OP - think of it as being like a New Years resolution. Don't let them make you feel like the bad guy when you're being FAIR. It is fair that everyone pays their way and they don't assume you'll pick up the tab for them.

Monaco? Er no (sadly). Surrey.

Well done on the email, OP slightly disappointed I didn't get to text FWIW £65 a head wouldn't be that expensive here either. It's the assumption and confusion that's the problem here though. Hope you get some replies soon

I would have assumed that paying for a meal Christmas Day/boxing day would be more than normal, yes.

Good luck with the replies, op

Do they know its £65 a head? That could be quite a lot of money for some people, especially at this time of year. Its over £100 for a couple. If I had reservations about relatives who were reluctant to hand over money, in the 1st place I wouldn't have booked a meal at all or at least, not such an expensive one. & really, its in a few days time so the money aspect making it clear each has to pay for self should have been mentioned and sorted out at least a month ago. I think today's the day to speak out, and not leave it too late in the day either

Yes they do, mistress. Op has said that up thread.