Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

And atticus suggestion too, you will barely be able to swallow the food if you know the expectation is for you to fund it

I've had a 'read' receipt from my brother - he earned over £125k last year from his architects' practice. So I don't feel too much guilt there.

It's a bit more sensitive with dad and his partner - she was made redundant in October, many months after this was booked. But given my dad's had four foreign holidays this year, I'm sure he could lend her a few quid if necessary ....

I'll keep you updated.

If this meal were taking place in Ireland, everybody would put their card down and say 'this is on me'. then the other diners would all say "nonsense, nonsense!" and put their card down.

Will this really not happen op? will they really not make a token offer to pay even if they're hoping you'll pick up the bill? I can't believe they'd just sit there with their cards tucked tightly in to their wallets!

What if they just don't reply?!!

Well done, OP, for sending the email :) please keep us updated.

I'd have assumed, as you invited, that you were paying

What a very odd assumption. I would simply assume you had organised the venue and booking. I'd never dream that you would pay for everyone.

Well done for emailing. I find money conversations a bit awkward too but honestly OP, it has to be done. and as another poster says, it gets easier with practice. Don't let these freeloaders take the piss out of you!

Why is your dads partner your responsibility?

Well done Meet.... It will make the whole meal more relaxing for you. However, can I suggest something simpler for next year, assuming this years goes ahead!

I have never assumed anyone would pay for me.

Glad you sent the email. 400 pounds I a lot of money to spend on one meal. I bet they wouldn't be grateful for it either.

Yawn, you have been given many reasonable suggestions, you have kept your responses just this side of sensible.

Frankly, after 1001 Suggestions and you are STILL dithering, just do what you want love. give yourself the stressiest Boxing Day ever. HTH.

I wouldn't worry if your family members are well off like you say. And dad's partner is dad's responsibility, not yours.

Well done meet. Didnt see what you emailed x

Do you still want to go after all this?
Too much hard work.

Well done for emailing them. There can be no misunderstanding now.

I would assume that it wasn't being paid for by you. I would expect to be told the price in advance so I could confirm I was fine with the amount. I couldn't afford that amount for a meal out so wouldn't be going. If I could afford it I'm still not sure I would want to pay that amount for a meal...

If you do it again, make it clear about cost to start with. A lot less stressful.

And look how stressed we all are on your behalf. We 'll spend boxing day checking for update!
Or we might come over there to watch.

Let someone else arrange it next time... if there is a next time. There wouldn't be for me, that's for sure.

Adter reading threads on here i sent a follow up email for a meal arranged...
"Just so everyone understands this invite was not an offer to pay for you "

As i had never before realised anyone thought an invite to eat out meant the inviter would pay.

Just reconfirm. Tell them you are being asked to provide credit card details to hold the booking and you want to make sure everyone is still fine with the cost of the set menu.

I'm watching and reading this thread with interest - I have never come across the "if you organise it, you pay" scenario. I suppose it comes across in the wording though? Someone saying to me "let's go out for dinner" suggests we will split the bill; if they said to me "I want to take you out for dinner" that implies it's their treat. How did you initially word your invitation?

I am now in a quandry because my auntie has invited me, my dh and my ds to a meal next year and asked us to choose menu options, but there has been no mention of price or chipping in! I'm now wondering whether to ask if she'd like us to pay our portion of the bill, or if that would be rude? This etiquette thing is mind boggling.

I would never assume anyone else would pay for me. How presumptuous. Hope you get this sorted, OP. If they back out now it's clear how they feel about the matter. Perhaps they should organise and pay for the next meal out together, if that's how they feel things should be done.

Reading this thread open mouthed

OP you really need to find your backbone and get this sorted.

At similar family events it usually ends in a row about who will pick up the tab - but for the opposite reason- it's a bun fest between my Dad/mum/PILs and us as to who pays - the parents want to treat us, but as they are all retired we think we should pay. We always end up just splitting 3 ways (be nice to just get to that point without the arguing!).

However you and DH paying for everyone is just NOT on especially as none is broke (your DF can pay for his paternerOH).

Lomega go expecting to pay. My dm and df did pay for a large family meal last summer but we were told before hand. Lomega if they dont want you to pay anything send a thank you card with a large flower arrangement delivered from someone like marks and spencer. We did that as well as pressies on day but were informed before.

Place marking! Hope all goes ok OP