Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

649 replies

MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 17:32

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

OP posts:
Original poster
MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 21:12

Right: I'm going for a clarification email. I've just been checking out the restaurants website again; the set menu is still £65 per head, but there is also the option to order a la carte, which can work out cheaper depending on what you order. Soooooooo this gives me the perfect reason to send a light email, down the lines of 'I've just realised there's an a la carte option for anyone wishing to keep the cost down, as crimbo is expensive!'

How's that?????

OP posts:
marysafairy · 22/12/2014 21:13

Can't you phone your dad and your brother, and just say when you arranged the booking, you assumed everyone knew that they were paying their own way, but after talking to others (Mnetters) you've learned that some people would expect to be paid for Just say your budget won't stretch to pay their bill and you're sorry if they were under the impression you would be doing so.

It really would be better speaking person to person. It's only 2 people to call.

If they get really antsy about it, well it will be far better to know about it now and they cancel rather than have an argument about it at the restaurant.

rollonthesummer · 22/12/2014 21:14

I genuinely don't understand you, OP. Clearly you and DH do think there's a big risk of this happening as it's happened before and you are posting about it?!

Original poster
MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 21:15

And to everyone who keeps saying they won't realise how much the set meal costs: For the umpteenth time: I circulated a menu with prices before I made the booking!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 22/12/2014 21:15

Meetmycat, I still think that email would be ambiguous.

marysafairy · 22/12/2014 21:16

Just seen your update and think that's great, but they might be thinking that you are trying to keep the cost down for yourself. I really think you should clarify that they are paying their own way.

Maybe you can tell them about the a la carte menu, and say that you are giving them the tenner booking fee per person as a present to defray their bill.

Jill2015 · 22/12/2014 21:17

Sounds like a good idea, to send the email re the a la carte option. It gives clarity about the fact that people are paying for themselves.

Personally, when anyone organises a meal out like this, I always ask straightaway about paying, I never would expect that someone else is footing the bill.

drbonnieblossman · 22/12/2014 21:17

Perfect reason to send the text OP - good luck. Be bold and press send, it'll be a weight off your mind or not

rollonthesummer · 22/12/2014 21:17

there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events

This means you have to spell it out very very clearly in advance what they need to pay or history will repeat itself.

Tryingtobecalm · 22/12/2014 21:18

Would text before or they may turn up with no money/card!

Original poster
MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 21:18

I can't win, can I? I have decided to send a clarification email, as per the majority of advice given here, and now I'm told a phone call would be better. But that would put someone on the spot far more than an email, where you get chance to think about your response?

OP posts:
diddl · 22/12/2014 21:18

How about "don't forget you money as we aren't paying for you"

Unambiguous enough?

And see who cancels??!!

marysafairy · 22/12/2014 21:19

If you weren't clear about them paying for themselves when you circulated the menu, I might have thought that you were just sending the menu to show us what we would be eating.

Had I received your invite and it didn't clearly say, "Who's up for a boxing day lunch at 65 per head?" I would have thought you were probably inviting. I would have clarified before confirming though.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 22/12/2014 21:19

That email is definitely ambiguous! How about " I've just spotted there's an a la carte option if you want to pay less than the
£65, I know Xmas can be pretty tight.."

rollonthesummer · 22/12/2014 21:20

Just seen your update and think that's great, but they might be thinking that you are trying to keep the cost down for yourself.

Yes, I agree. I think they sound like they're used to you paying so would ignore such hints then turn up with no wallets.

marysafairy · 22/12/2014 21:21

I like diddl's response ha ha.

erin99 · 22/12/2014 21:21

Go for it OP. Maybe phrase it as 'trying to keep their costs down" so it can't be misconstrued overthinking massively here but that's inevitable after 10 pages

Phoenixfrights · 22/12/2014 21:22

Nah, no good, that email. Selfish tightwads could read that as "ooh, looks like MeetMyCat's overspent on presents and wants us to choose slightly cheaper dishes. Better go for the dover sole rather than the wagyu beef, then, so as not to leave her skint, ha ha".

RattieBagTheOldHag · 22/12/2014 21:22

MeetmyCat Despite being one of the posters suggesting sending a clarification email I think Marysafairy s suggestion of simply phoning them is a much better idea. it would give you a chance to be really clear. The last email you suggested was a bit wishy washy.

Good luck.

rollonthesummer · 22/12/2014 21:25

Only one person has replied since your suggested email saying you should phone! Most people are saying the email is ambiguous- why are you ignoring that?!

Original poster
MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 21:25

How about the text in itsallgoingtobefine post at 21.19?

OP posts:
atticusclaw · 22/12/2014 21:25

Definitely a combination of the various suggestions above:

"Hi all, looking forward to seeing you on boxing day. I have just seen that there is an a la carte option and so if anyone wants to switch to that option then you'll probably be able to keep costs down for yourselves. Otherwise its £65 a head for the set menu. If everyone brings cash that will help when it comes to settling the bill rather than everyone faffing about with cards."

Original poster
MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 21:27

Yes to atticusclaw's suggestion?

OP posts:
RattieBagTheOldHag · 22/12/2014 21:28

Cross posted.

OP - I still think an email is an ok option but it has to be clear.

there have been lots of good suggestions earlier in the thread. Yours wasn't clear.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2014 21:29

Why not use the £10 deposit per person for the tip? The next thing I can see is that some of them won't tip... embarrassing! Blush

I think that some posters are saying that your family are being deliberately oblivious and are quite aware of your reluctance to talk straight hence they take advantage of it.

You obviously feel aggrieved about this, OP - and you really should - because you're being fleeced by freeloaders who should not be making the assumption that you'll pay. Because you always have however, you've got to be very clear now - or pay again and be sore about it afterwards.

If you really must try to make things sweeter, why not offer to pay for a couple of bottles of nice wine or the digestifs for everyone and make it clear that that is the extent of your expenditure for others. Your family is paying for you, your husband and your step son.

That 50% that was mooted previously was again confusing... even though it's right (50% of the attendees' bill to cover you, husband, stepson), the others might think that you mean to give them a 50% discount on their meal.

Talk straight... it's obvious that you find that hard. Practice on here and let posters pick holes because they're your best advocates really - if we can find a loophole - you can close it before your freeloaders find it.