Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect XH to go to nativity not out with mates?

38 replies

Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 00:20

Genuinely interested in responses, this is not an AIBU where I think I'm absolutely right Grin

I don't like my XH and don't think he prioritises our child (though he's not awful and neglectful, more lazy)

We only have the one, and she's Y1 so we don't have nativity fatigue yet!

She didn't have a major part, but did have a song and dance with a subgroup of 12. It was only 45 minutes long.

I know loads of people miss them because of work.

So, he went drinking with his mates. A local group, but which meets for an all day session in another city about once every 6 months. So not the only time he can see them, but not on this kind of event all the time. If it makes a difference, 2 of the 6 are pretty flakey and drop out often from things, 1 wasn't there. So in my mind not massive deal to drop out.

It will have been arranged before he knew the nativity date - though not before he could have looked it up on line. He had 3 weeks in which to ask them to re-arrange as that's when I texted to ask if he wanted me to get morning or afternoon ticket (I had the form in school bag).

She was disappointed he wasn't there, though not upset - she accepted his lie that he had to work as a customer needed something and had been waiting a long time.

So if this was your husband and you loved him and he was a good dad (so none of my backstory! Grin)

Would you expect him to re-arrange or even cancel, and go?

The other guys are all fathers.
Ultimately, she didn't care more than fleeting disappointment and it is his loss not mine.

Am I being PFB / bitter over harsh ex? Grin or was that pretty poor from him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 00:20

Oh shit, that's really long for a minor peeve! Sorry!

OP posts:
Happy36 · 22/12/2014 00:23

I think he can choose what he does with his time when he isn´t obliged to look after his child and missing the nativity doesn´t make him a bad father. If he had told her he was going to come, that would be different. He didn´t let her down.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 22/12/2014 00:24

Its up to him whether or not he wants to miss DDs nativity, surely?

Bambambini · 22/12/2014 00:29

It's up to him but it's disappoibting what his priorities are. I grew up knowing where we were when it came between choosing to watch your child or going to bingo or drinking and it stays with you - 30 odd years later.

Original poster
Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 00:29

Yeah, I definitely see that, thanks Happy36
I wanted to post because obviously I don't think he's a prince among men Hmm so I'm biased.
I'm not really tying myself in knots about it... but interested in others opinions.

Honestly, I'm still "grieving" a bit that I didn't get to have the family where mum and dad want to go (if they can, work permitting) and then go do something as a family afterwards, a pint / glass of milk at the pub... I'm sad about that. (Child doesn't care!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 00:32

middleaged of course it's up to him. I haven't said a word to him, I've colluded in the lie to our daughter, and I even promised her I'd send him a video clip. And sent her off next day telling her daddy would be happy to hear all about it.

I don't question that it's his choice. I'm just curious whether MN opinion would be like mine - it was a poor choice - or more "meh, nativity, whatever". Because I can't be impartial about him!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 22/12/2014 00:35

I think you are bending over backwards to be "fair" to him. Grin

I genuinely think men see things differently - I don't know why. I don't usually say these things, and indeed, get annoyed when other posters lump all men together, but just judging from people I know in RL... but , IME, they do!
I just love seeing my dc in something like this (well, when they were little), but dh has always gone out of 'obligation' - because he knows that the dc want him to be there. So yes, I do think your XH WBU, and should have made the effort to be there for your dd, as he wasn't at work and could easily have been there, but I don't think he's alone in not seeing it as such a big 'thing' as I would.

Goes off to remove splinters from bum.....

Original poster
Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 00:38

Laughing at the splinters! That's kind of why I posted - had too many splinters in my own over it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 00:41

he didn't go to parents evening either. DRIP FEED Grin

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 22/12/2014 00:45

I think that is poor

Genuine work commitments is one thing, prioritising going out on the lash is another

RattieBagTheOldHag · 22/12/2014 00:46

Yabu

It wouldn't have bothered me at all. I might think differently if it was a solo performance but for a group act I don't see it as essential for both parents to be there. If he goes to some things then that's ok in my books.

If I had something arranged with friends and DH (or GPs) could go then I wouldn't be that fussed if I missed it. However, If the kids really wanted me there then I would have prioritised it. My kids never minded if DH missed their events - which he had to do a lot for work.

We were really hands on parents otherwise so missing out on a group performance wasn't the end of the world.

CheeseBuster · 22/12/2014 02:34

If it was a group of mates he sees every Friday I'd say YABU. But... I dunno. It's hard to get groups of old friends together and it was organised first. If it was a solo performance or she was the lead I'd say YANBU but she wasn't so I'm unsure. I see both points of view and think neither of you are unreasonable.

Haggisfish · 22/12/2014 02:42

What backforgood said!

JessieMcJessie · 22/12/2014 04:22

An all day midweek drinking session? Sounds grim and juvenile. That's what students do, not grown men with jobs and children. Why do they need to drink all day, what's wrong with meeting in the evening?

FishWithABicycle · 22/12/2014 05:54

It's poor parenting on his part, but he's your ex now and you should accept this not try to change him.

However, yabu to collude in lying to your child.

Original poster
Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 08:53

I haven't tried to change him though.

I don't like lying, but my 5 year old told me he couldn't come because of this customer (I heard that from her, not him) and tends to ask me to confirm things. So next day, she'll say "why isn't daddy coming?" and I collude by saying "he had that customer to help, remember?"
I really don't think I should say to a small child "actually he lied to you darling, he's out drinking with his mates".

OP posts:
TrendStopper · 22/12/2014 08:55

Why couldn't he have done both? Gone to the morning nativity and then met his friends after.

Original poster
Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 08:59

It was only sort of organised first. In that, he arranged the drinking session before I told him about the nativity date. But the nativity date was on school website 3 months in advance Hmm

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 22/12/2014 09:02

I don't like lying, but my 5 year old told me he couldn't come because of this customer

Don't collude in the lie. As that makes you a liar too.

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 22/12/2014 09:04

YANBU. my two kids' father (unemployed and didn't have to attend job centre that day) neither wanted to attend nor would look after the smaller child so I could attend when my boy was in a school play (he's in reception). My partner rearranged his time off so that he could look after the little one and I could go.

my ex couldn't be bothered, it didn't matter to him. Sounds like yours is similar :(

Original poster
Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 09:06

Trendstopper this group of friends are all local, but once or twice a year they take the train to London and (trying to keep scathing tone out of my voice but failing) sit in one or at a push two pubs all day. They like a walk down Carnaby street (I'm so outing myself!) but they don't "do" anything there. No show, exhibition, see the lights, anything like that. It's just a "tradition" now I suppose.
The date isn't linked to anything. At least one always can't make it or more likely drops out - a couple are known for being flaky.

So - could have been re-arranged, IMO.

By contrast, I work abroad a lot. I missed a great fun and quite glitzy Xmas do (abroad, so no chance to manage both) because this was more important to me.

OP posts:
DurhamDurham · 22/12/2014 09:07

My husband only made it to a handful of Christmas plays and concerts as our two girls were growing up, he managed to get time off for a few but the rest of the time was working. When I've been to the concerts ( and I've missed a few myself because of work commitments ) they were usually 75% women. Women either find it easier to get there or they just prioritise their time differently to men.

ElizabethHoover · 22/12/2014 09:08

he will never change. sadly, but when shes older she will get it

Original poster
Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 09:10

Ebwy three Xmas cheers for your lovely new partner!

Funky I'd rather collude in the lie than tell a 5 year old that her father wasn't bothered about going AND had lied to her. If he had asked me to lie, I'd have told him to fuck off. She's actually quite accepting and happy go lucky, told carefully "oh darling this is such a shame, it's double booked" etc, she'd accept the truth. But I'm not going to confuse her world by telling her he lied. It's a difficult balance though - if he were older and constantly letting her down, it would be more confusing for me to collude in that. But it's not the situation that I have.

OP posts:
HaPPy8 · 22/12/2014 09:11

I agree with Backforgood, he should have done for your DD. They only last about 30 mins don't they? He could have easily done both. But its probably not worth overthinking as your daughter doesn't seem too worried.