AIBU to expect XH to go to nativity not out with mates?

[Cabrinha]

Genuinely interested in responses, this is not an AIBU where I think I'm absolutely right

I don't like my XH and don't think he prioritises our child (though he's not awful and neglectful, more lazy)

We only have the one, and she's Y1 so we don't have nativity fatigue yet!

She didn't have a major part, but did have a song and dance with a subgroup of 12. It was only 45 minutes long.

I know loads of people miss them because of work.

So, he went drinking with his mates. A local group, but which meets for an all day session in another city about once every 6 months. So not the only time he can see them, but not on this kind of event all the time. If it makes a difference, 2 of the 6 are pretty flakey and drop out often from things, 1 wasn't there. So in my mind not massive deal to drop out.

It will have been arranged before he knew the nativity date - though not before he could have looked it up on line. He had 3 weeks in which to ask them to re-arrange as that's when I texted to ask if he wanted me to get morning or afternoon ticket (I had the form in school bag).

She was disappointed he wasn't there, though not upset - she accepted his lie that he had to work as a customer needed something and had been waiting a long time.

So if this was your husband and you loved him and he was a good dad (so none of my backstory! )

Would you expect him to re-arrange or even cancel, and go?

The other guys are all fathers.
Ultimately, she didn't care more than fleeting disappointment and it is his loss not mine.

Am I being PFB / bitter over harsh ex? or was that pretty poor from him?

[Sonoma]

He sounds like an arse to me. What do I know, but I'd imagine when you live apart from your child most of the time attending the special occasions for them are pretty important. He chose to get shitfaced with his mates. Drinking all day? He could have gone, and caught up with them later.
YANBU.

[BackforGood]

That's a good point BiteySwan

[BiteySwan]

Well, he clearly knew that "I'm off for a piss-up with my mates" wasn't an adequate excuse for your daughter, or he wouldn't have lied to her.

[Cabrinha]

Ugh, I don't want her to go through discovering that
Let's hope he's a father that grows into the role when the child is older.

Thank you, everyone, for your comments. It is really useful to hear that there are mixed opinions on it. It makes me feels that mine are not unreasonable - but also that I'm right not to get worked up that it's the crime of the century.

I'm going to leave my thread now. Not because I'm flouncing off it in disgust that he hadn't been roundly condemned

But although this has been helpful, it's not helpful for me to give an XH too much headspace.

Thanks all!

[LynetteScavo]

Your dd will figure out how crap he is soon enough. Because he is crap.

[Floisme]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. The nativity thing happens for about 5 years at the most and I just don't understand his attitude. But it's his loss.

[diddl]

Could he not have gone drinking afterwards?

I'd like to think that I'd be able to find a compromise & do both tbh.

[jamtoast12]

I don't think id be bothered. My dh is a seriously fab dad but even he would miss it for his work do or an event that only happens twice a year.

The fact others drop out makes it more likely that he wouldn't want to or their meeting up would never happen.

Me and my girly mates do this at Xmas. Actually a day sesh mid week is better imo as kids at school and it doesn't eat into the weekend with the kids. We arrange it months in dance because everyone is busy in December so it's a nightmare to coordinate. I've had to miss the odd Xmas Fayre because of it but as long as one parent is there I don't see the big deal at all.

[Ragwort]

It wouldn't bother me at all and, being perfectly honest, I loathed all the endless, tedious nativity plays at school (nursery ones were quite sweet) - I did go, purely out of obligation, but used to seethe with irritation at the absolute awfulness of them - particuarly the 'contemporary' versions . I used to offer to organise the refreshments to try and get out of watching them. .

I would also get in a totally irrational rage at the number of parents/grandparents/general hangers on who go to watch but never bother to support any of the school fundraising or more formal events.

Rant over, I know that makes me sound a grumpy old woman and I am so grateful that my DS is now at secondary school where none of this stuff happens.

[tobysmum77]

yanbu. I'm guessing though that you had good reasons for the split. Pathetic if you ask me.

[sonjadog]

This wouldn't bother me at all. I would just let it go. I think you are letting your feelings towards him get you worked up about it unnecessarily.

[TheJiminyConjecture]

I think the thing that would annoy me is that he could probably have gone to the morning performance and then nipped off to the pub.

I know that if I was in a similar situation I would do my best to do both. See DD and then meet friends.

Unfortunately I have a similar issue with xh who, due to shift work, sees her sporadically at the best of times. He never misses a stag weekend or night out though. Those are prioritised way above arranging to see DD. And yes it is disappointing, not so much for DD but the idea that only one of you is prioritising her.

So I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

[MrsPiggie]

Yanbu, he has chosen poorly.

[HaPPy8]

I agree with Backforgood, he should have done for your DD. They only last about 30 mins don't they? He could have easily done both. But its probably not worth overthinking as your daughter doesn't seem too worried.

[Cabrinha]

Ebwy three Xmas cheers for your lovely new partner!

Funky I'd rather collude in the lie than tell a 5 year old that her father wasn't bothered about going AND had lied to her. If he had asked me to lie, I'd have told him to fuck off. She's actually quite accepting and happy go lucky, told carefully "oh darling this is such a shame, it's double booked" etc, she'd accept the truth. But I'm not going to confuse her world by telling her he lied. It's a difficult balance though - if he were older and constantly letting her down, it would be more confusing for me to collude in that. But it's not the situation that I have.

[ElizabethHoover]

he will never change. sadly, but when shes older she will get it

[DurhamDurham]

My husband only made it to a handful of Christmas plays and concerts as our two girls were growing up, he managed to get time off for a few but the rest of the time was working. When I've been to the concerts ( and I've missed a few myself because of work commitments ) they were usually 75% women. Women either find it easier to get there or they just prioritise their time differently to men.

[Cabrinha]

Trendstopper this group of friends are all local, but once or twice a year they take the train to London and (trying to keep scathing tone out of my voice but failing) sit in one or at a push two pubs all day. They like a walk down Carnaby street (I'm so outing myself!) but they don't "do" anything there. No show, exhibition, see the lights, anything like that. It's just a "tradition" now I suppose.
The date isn't linked to anything. At least one always can't make it or more likely drops out - a couple are known for being flaky.

So - could have been re-arranged, IMO.

By contrast, I work abroad a lot. I missed a great fun and quite glitzy Xmas do (abroad, so no chance to manage both) because this was more important to me.

[EbwyIsUpTheDuff]

YANBU. my two kids' father (unemployed and didn't have to attend job centre that day) neither wanted to attend nor would look after the smaller child so I could attend when my boy was in a school play (he's in reception). My partner rearranged his time off so that he could look after the little one and I could go.

my ex couldn't be bothered, it didn't matter to him. Sounds like yours is similar :(

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I don't like lying, but my 5 year old told me he couldn't come because of this customer

Don't collude in the lie. As that makes you a liar too.

[Cabrinha]

It was only sort of organised first. In that, he arranged the drinking session before I told him about the nativity date. But the nativity date was on school website 3 months in advance

[TrendStopper]

Why couldn't he have done both? Gone to the morning nativity and then met his friends after.

[Cabrinha]

I haven't tried to change him though.

I don't like lying, but my 5 year old told me he couldn't come because of this customer (I heard that from her, not him) and tends to ask me to confirm things. So next day, she'll say "why isn't daddy coming?" and I collude by saying "he had that customer to help, remember?"
I really don't think I should say to a small child "actually he lied to you darling, he's out drinking with his mates".

[FishWithABicycle]

It's poor parenting on his part, but he's your ex now and you should accept this not try to change him.

However, yabu to collude in lying to your child.

[JessieMcJessie]

An all day midweek drinking session? Sounds grim and juvenile. That's what students do, not grown men with jobs and children. Why do they need to drink all day, what's wrong with meeting in the evening?