Awkward christmas family shite...AIBU?

[Aintnobodygottimeforbronchitis]

AIBU to tell my Sister that we are not doing christmas dinner at six p.m. To accommodate her BIL?
Basically my kids have to wait all day for Christmas Day to begin just so that we can wait for her DH's brother to arrive in the UK from Australia. (Who we've only met once before).
Wtf am I going to do? Do I tell her no we are not sacrificing our entire Christmas Day and we will do our own lunch or do I let her know that she IBU and ask if she will compromise somehow? AIBU?

My ex flew in from Oz last year, landed 08:00 and had a 3 hour drive to get home, and wanted (after a shower) to get straight into being in the thick of the family Xmas. Yes it was tiring - but that was the whole point of him coming home!

I don't think 5 days notice is really springing. And there is still time to re-arrange your plans.

I do understand that children may mean leaving at 19:30.

I don't get though, still, why the day has to start at 18:00? Is your sister banning all family (is it just you and the Oz bro?) from coming earlier? That could possibly be unreasonable.

As to being with family for Xmas to start, you need to get more flexible.
I have to take my daughter to her father part way through the day. And my boyfriend's drop off to his son's mother is at a totally conflicting time to mine. We might start our Xmas on Boxing Day. Big whatever. That's life.

I think YABU because this is how we always do Christmas. Wake up at home, stockings, leisurely breakfast, other presents, light lunch (usually soup), park for kids to burn off sugar/overexcitement, head to my parents'. Have always had evening meal as main event, can't bear the thought of sitting around half the afternoon too drunk and full (then do what, sober up and go to bed?). This year eating at 5 as DB's slightly younger children eat earlier than ours.

How old are your kids?

Do your own thing for xmas in your own house and tell your sister to do the same. personally, i'd be famished and ready to pass out if i had to wait till 6 or later for my xmas dinner. and its not very fair on your kids either, its their xmas too.

ChampionNibbler - where does it say the OP has to starve all day. Surely you would do what you do every other day of the year and have lunch. 6pm is not an unreasonable time for an evening meal.

Haha champion that made me laugh, no one has told her she has to starve all day! What time do you normally eat your main meal? Are you usually famished by dinner time?!

Yanbu.

My kids are in bed by half 6/7, and eat around half 4/5. While we have young kids, we accept that we can't attend all events we once did.

In your situation, I'd have our Christmas meal at lunchtime, something different to what dsis intends, then give the kids their dinner at the usual time.

Id then ask dsis if she can push back the meal till 7, I'd go over a bit before for pressies etc, and bung the kids to bed at dsis house before adults eat. Is that possible?

Either way I'd do your own day as much as you want.

I too like to eat differently on Xmas day.

We get up, open stockings with tea and chocolate.

Big big breakfast around 9/10

Big big Christmas lunch around 2/3

Dessert around 6/7 when we have eventually made space.

I'm amazed people think YABU - because you are not, at all.

If I had an invitation for Christmas starting at 6pm now (my dc are all teens) I'd turn it down - there'd not have been a cat in hell's chance when they were small.

OF course YANBU to want to have Christmas dinner all sorted at lunchtime and then be able to relax a bit in the afternoon and get dc off to bed at a reasonable hour after an exciting day. I suspect that's what the vast majority of people do.

I also suspect that the poor chap who has spent the last 24hours on a plane would probably rather not have over tired little dc there too.

I started off thinking that I couldn't see a problem and that uabu but I theN re-read the op. The fact that you are going to be cooking for the meal means that you can't go round earlier because you will be cooking in your kitchen.

I don't think that I'd like this plan very much either but to be honest, unless you want to be the cause of a big hoo ha, I think you need to suck it up and get on with it.

Next year you can do what you want.

You don't have to delay the party until he arrives, just continue it. You can cook lunch when it suits you and your family and then serve mulled wine and hot chocolate and sit together when the brother arrives in the evening. Open pressies and play games during the day and play charades, sing songs round the piano in the evening (I'm assuming you exist in a cheesy American Christmas made-for-tv movie?) As Mollymoofer pointed out, he'll be shattered too so it would be silly to leave all the fun stuff until he arrives. YANBU

I think the problem now is that the OP has offered to do her own thing on Christmas Day but her sister has put the spanner in the works by getting upset about it. I still can't see the OP being unreasonable here - she's tried to compromise but has been stymied by the sister throwing a wobbler. So the sister is the unreasonable one in this scenario.

I called you unreasonable and no I am not seeing my family all day Christmas Day. Infact I won't see them until the 27th

Op are they all going to meet bil, hence why you can't go earlier? What if he's shatteted or plane delayed? Do you one thing xmas day and do a proper one boxing day when everyone is rested, relaxed and chilled.

Tbh you are being a bit precious. I am not seeing any of my family this year as my child who has autism can't cope with visitors to the house, nor can he cope with decorations or anything new in the house. So I kind of have zero sympathy for someone who is being a PITA about having to keep their day spoilt by eating a bit later than usual.

Cansu - I don't think the OP is being precious at all, if an invite doesn't work for you and your family, if it doesn't sound like it'll be fun, it's ok to decline it and offer to see them another day. It's nice to see family on Christmas day, but that shouldn't be prioritised over actually having a nice time.

You are effectively doing something similar, I'm assuming you've turned down an invite from your family because as much as you'd like to see them, it would be a rubbish day for your DC and therefore also you, that's more exteme than the OP's case, but what's wrong with saying "as nice as that invite is, it won't work for our family so we'll do our own thing and see you another day."

It's the OP's sister that's upset because OP's said she'll do her own thing at her house.

I am really not doing anything similar at all. There is quite a big difference between the op having accepted but now changing her mind because she will have to eat later on and me not being able to either invite anyone into my home or take my severely autistic child into anyone else's because he will scream and meltdown as not able to cope with any change. The op sounds like she would like to spend Christmas with her wider family but would rather her children's routine is not changed at all. She is of course entitled to say no I will stay at home. But I can see why her sister and the rest of the family will, think she is being precious and a pain in the ass.

But Cansu you must have experienced a lack of understanding before regarding how well your child with autism can cope in particular contexts. I certainly have, with some of the additional needs my child has had. It's horrible isn't it?

The OP will know best how her individual children will cope with eating their main meal later than usual, as she is closest to them. However getting together at Christmas is all about balancing needs, within reason.

Sometimes we all have had to go out on a limb and attend events not particularly catered to our DC's needs - the extent at which this can happen will vary. Done correctly it means our DC build resilience. But I suspect you have had to compromise on lots of occasions too, Cansu.

My in laws once arranged a Xmas eve dinner for 7.30 when we had two young children who were usually in bed for 7. We went (to keep the peace) and ended up with 2 tired crying kids and had to leave after the starter.
MIL went nuts at us for leaving - not pleasant.
So we lost out in two ways - we apparently ruined Xmas Eve for them and ruined Xmas day for ourselves because the kids were overtired and grumpy the following day.
We should have just declined the dinner when we found out it was being run to the adults schedule, not the kids.
Stick to your guns - Xmas is about the DCs when they are young, not the adults.

Did you manage to sort out something OP?