Awkward christmas family shite...AIBU?

[Aintnobodygottimeforbronchitis]

AIBU to tell my Sister that we are not doing christmas dinner at six p.m. To accommodate her BIL?
Basically my kids have to wait all day for Christmas Day to begin just so that we can wait for her DH's brother to arrive in the UK from Australia. (Who we've only met once before).
Wtf am I going to do? Do I tell her no we are not sacrificing our entire Christmas Day and we will do our own lunch or do I let her know that she IBU and ask if she will compromise somehow? AIBU?

OK... I should add more information because I posted rather late last night and was tired and maybe didn't word my OP very clearly on all points.

I was only told that we are having Christmas dinner instead of lunch late last night. I feel that it's been sprung on us at the last minute really to be honest.

It's not about the actual eating part of the day that is the issue, it is the fact that we won't be seeing the family until 6pm by which is almost the end of the day so we will be hanging about all day waiting for christmas to begin (ie family get together). As I said, I was just told this late last night and could have made other plans.

When I say this is the end of the day, my young children start to go apeshit when they're tired and they normally go to bed at 7.30 so I'm going to be getting dirty / judging looks from BIL.

We don't live next door to each other btw but they're in the same area and we won't be getting together until gone 6 and I will have to be gone by 8.

Do you usually have your full main sit down meal of the day at lunchtime on every other day??

I don't know anyone that does, most people will eat between between the hours of 4 and 9pm for their main meal of the day (myself included) so why do people get their knickers in a twist when Christmas dinner is not served at 1pm on the dot on Christmas day!!

We have been having our Christmas dinner at lunch time for years, (why?? when our usual mealtime is 7pm!! ) and its taken me until now to realise this doesn't really work for us. it way too early and most of my day is spent in the fecking kitchen.

We have moved the time of dinner this year and will be eating much later so as the day can be a bit more relaxed (for me) and as we are hosting I expect my guests to accept the change graciously if they complain then they can go elsewhere.

Your solution is simple OP stay at home, Australian Bil may be a stranger to you but I should imagine that your sis and BIL kind of know him pretty well. You have been invited to their celebration so you either do it their way or you decline.

Yanbu. I wouldn't want to have it at 6...by the time you have dessert, clear up and so on it will really be getting late. Not so bad if you're a group of adults, not so great with dc.

We eat at 4 because we go to my mums for Xmas morning. So it's the earliest we can realistically, by the time we get back and cook. Even that's a little late for my liking.

OOPS sorry x posted, well for that reason I think you should probably just stay at home and arrange a visit on Boxing day instead!

Let your children have a nap in the middle of the day then. Don't they normally eat their tea at this time on the other 364 days of the year?

You are still only thinking about yourself and ignoring everyone else. An important guest is arriving at 6 and you are not willing to compromise so best stay totally away. Your inflexibility is just going to cause trouble for the rest of the family. A small shift in the timing of the meal is only a big deal if you make it one. Either accept that you're not getting your way over this and put on a pleasant attitude or stay away. Guests don't get to dictate the timing of meals to their hosts unless there are pressing medical needs or other important factors, such as the arrival of an international flight.

YABVU

Yes I have! But who knows what he'll get given to eat on the plane and, as many PPs have said, he might just not fancy a full-on Christmas dinner just after he lands.

Obviously the OP's DSis wants to be hospitable towards her BIL, but perhaps swapping Christmas lunch and Boxing Day lunch would have been a better idea in the first place; especially as the OP is involved in some of the cooking even though the OP's DSis is hosting.

I wouldn't mind doing our own thing but when I mentioned that yesterday she got upset with me.

Tbh I do think you are being twattish.
Make it different. Smoked salmon breakfast / brunch, lunch a cooked ham/salad/pickles. Dinner 7pm with the family.

Nap...nap? What's that?

They haven't napped for years god knows I've tried

Have lunch at mid day at home, then pop round to theirs for a few hours in the afternoon or they come to you. Then they get to see bils brother on their own, with no pressure on him to be sociable if he's tired or the plane is late etc. You can arrange a nice family meal over the rest of Xmas to catch up with him.
Easy.

I was only told that we are having Christmas dinner instead of lunch late last night. I feel that it's been sprung on us at the last minute really to be honest.

Have you managed to get over the shock of this jaw dropping announcement yet?
Or maybe it's no big deal.

Look - if she's hosting, it's up to her. Your kids will just have to stay up later for once. It's Christmas day, so that's cool. They will have new stuff to entertain them and play with, and will enjoy the party atmosphere.
Stop trying to make everyone else dance around your children's bedtime! It's Christmas!!

She got upset because she realised how selfish you are. And probably because you are trying to control the timing of a meal she is hosting because you think your wants are more important that the arrival of her BIL all the way from Australia.

Oh, and because you are being really inconsiderate and she is now dreading a family rift over this.

All because she wants to be welcoming and inclusive to her BIL.

So all of you who are calling me names and thinking IABVU...
Are you seeing your families from 6pm onwards on Christmas Day?
Hmmm ?

Do your Christmas Day the way you want it, and then go over to your SIL's to see them whenever they're ready, for the half an hour or whatever that you're going to be able to manage before your children kick off.

As a regular traveller between the UK and Australia, I can say that a full-on Christmas dinner with people I barely know straight off the flight would tax my endurance enormously (and probably beyond breaking point) - small children whinging would be an added breaking factor (usually mine! since I have 2).

Your SIL has no choice in the matter in terms of when her BIL arrives; but she does have choice in terms of when to have Christmas dinner etc. I think her DH is being unreasonable to make everyone wait on his brother's arrival; and I see no reason why you can't actually have them round to yours for the earlier part of the day, so your Christmas can "start" (although, tbh, I can NOT understand why you think it doesn't "start" until you're with extra family )

Tell them politely that the schedule they've decided on isn't fair on your DC and isn't going to work well for them, so you'll do CHristmas lunch at yours, which they're welcome to join you for (since they won't be doing anything else) and you'll leave them to their evening dinner with their visitor and see him when he's had a chance to get over his jetlag.

I'm not worried about what time I was told, I mentioned that because people were asking why I didn't say anything sooner.

I wouldn't think BIL would judge, if you hardly ever see him. If he does, well you hardly ever see him...

I can understand your sister wanting to include him, he is her DH's brother. She will feel she has to include both sides of the family, your needs don't trump his and your children will be able to stay up a little later, I suspect they are not asleep the minute their heads hit the pillow.

Family events always do involve some give and take. Sometimes it is you that ends up sacrificing some of your needs to fit in with others. This is not like she has said dinner at 7.00 - like we have had in the past. Even then we went for pre dinner nibbles and drinks.

surely you can arrive before 6pm? you can arrive before dinner and see your family? have a big breakfast and let the kids snack during the day

you sound like one of the inflexible parents we hear about on here, who expect everything to be done their way, as their way is the right way, and any other way is wrong.

Personally, I think the bil would far prefer a plate of tasty bits to pick over, and a glass of something relaxing, when he gets through the door, rather than a full sit down family Christmas meal with everyone present...he is bound to be knackered after the flight!

But however - the sister and dh, who are hosting, have decided and that's that.

I don't suppose OP whinging about it not being centred around her kids is appropriate either.

I think people are being very harsh. You and your sis should have been clearer about the arrangements sooner.

I'd do your own thing and tell her you'll pop in at some point or on boxing day.

capsium, I think the OP meant her own BIL (i.e. her sister's DH) would be the judgy one, not his brother.

Your sister can't be upset because her plans don't suit your family. That's just stupid. Have your dinner earlier, invite them to join, and say that you'll come over for a bit in the evening but leave when the kids get fractious - trust me, her BIL will be grateful (if he's even still awake!)

But it seems the OP's DSis is expecting OP to cook some of the Christmas meal though. OP suggested her family do their own thing on CD and then see BIL later (Boxing Day?), but the OP's Sis is now upset too - presumably because she wants the OP's input with the cooking. OP is happy not to have the meal together this year.

What is she expecting you to cook for this meal?

Afternoon nap so they can stay up late then. I'm not surprised your sister was upset - she's asking for 6pm, not midnight. Do you children usually eat in the evening? Or is lunch there only meal. You still haven't said how old your children are.

Your kids will just have to stay up later for once. It's Christmas day, so that's cool

This really doesn't work with many kids. My 5yo becomes a monster of misbehaving mayhem if I keep him up late, he would spoil the day for everyone. It's not a viable plan.

Do I understand correctly that there is an overlap of 2 hours between when BIL arrives and when your kids need to go to bed? It is not possible to fit in a full Christmas meal and present-exchange get-together in 2 hours without everyone feeling rushed and short-changed, so you need to sit down with SIL and work out what your mutual priorities are to fit into that 2 hour window. Some things will have to be done earlier in the day before BIL arrives, some things will have to be done after you and kids have left, some things can wait till next day.

Has anyone actually bothered to ask the travelling brother what he'd like? Perhaps they should...