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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Awkward christmas family shite...AIBU?

149 replies

Aintnobodygottimeforbronchitis · 21/12/2014 00:54

AIBU to tell my Sister that we are not doing christmas dinner at six p.m. To accommodate her BIL?
Basically my kids have to wait all day for Christmas Day to begin just so that we can wait for her DH's brother to arrive in the UK from Australia. (Who we've only met once before).
Wtf am I going to do? Do I tell her no we are not sacrificing our entire Christmas Day and we will do our own lunch or do I let her know that she IBU and ask if she will compromise somehow? AIBU?

OP posts:

MissBeehiving · 21/12/2014 09:46

Neither you or your sis are U. I really get why 6pm isn't great for some kids - the kids themselves don't mind, but the adults seem to . If it's the getting together that's the issue can you go over earlier?

LoxleyBarrett · 21/12/2014 09:46

This year is the first year in 3 that my children have seen their Dad before 7pm on Christmas Day - and they still had a lovely day!

notme23 · 21/12/2014 09:48

YABU. And to be honest you seem to have a massive problem with your BIL. Doesn't he deserve a nice Christmas too? You call him a stranger and think he will be giving you judgy looks. Why do you feel that way about him? Have you ever met him?

Madeyemoodysmum · 21/12/2014 09:51

I can understand your annoyance but in my opinion I'd make the most of having my kids to myself all day and only seeing family for a few hours.

Sounds bliss. I'd embrace it and have some fun family time. Plan a yummy lunch play with the new toys. Watch a family film.

Sound lovely to me.

JunkBox · 21/12/2014 09:54

Do you just turn up in time for lunch/dinner then. As we (regardless of what time dinner actually is) tend to welcome people quite early on in the morning and spend an hour or 3 together before dinner is actually served. Family don't usually leave until quite late at night, we also have visitors later on and by the time everyone has gone home I am dead on my feet.

One year BIL and his GF turned up just as dinner was being served, then buggered off as soon as we had finished eating. I thought that it was quite rude actually.

Mrsstarlord · 21/12/2014 09:59

BIL might be a stranger to you but he isn't to your DS and BIL, it seems very odd to me that you don't care about this.

If it bothers you that much, go after dinner for an hour or so for some drinks and have your own Christmas dinner through the day and a time which befits you and your routine - or go and see them on boxing day.

Basically YABU and I'm surprised that you need to ask

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 21/12/2014 10:00

I don't understand why you can't go round before dinner? Have lunch and then downs the afternoon with your family before eating together.

Plenty of people eat Xmas dinner in the evening. It doesn't mean their Xmas day doesn't start until then.

BlackDaisies · 21/12/2014 10:01

I'm with you on this one. YANBU - it's one really special family day a year, and your kids don't do well with a late meal. Who plans for a fractious time on Christmas Day?

I think you should be all smiles, say you'll have your own lunch at home but will happily pop round with presents in the evening for an hour after they've eaten. Just lay it on thick that you'd hate to ruin her meal by having tired children and feeling stressed about that yourself. Don't feel remotely guilty - like you say it was sprung on you at the last minute. Run out today and get yourself a turkey and some veg!

And haha to the poster who said "let the kids nap then" on CHRISTMAS DAY! Nice idea though (briefly imagines the impossibility of peaceful napping children, sigh).

wowfudge · 21/12/2014 10:03

I haven't read the whole thread, but we've never had Christmas dinner at lunchtime/early afternoon. Lunch is fairly light with Christmas pudding then and evening meal is the roast bird with trimmings and trifle. Doesn't mean Christmas only starts after 5pm though. I enjoy the meal more for looking forward to it.

FruVikingessOla · 21/12/2014 10:04

The OP said this earlier on "We are all supposed to be cooking and taking it round so she's not doing all the cooking."

If I'm right, I think this is the bone of contention. OP has said to her DSis that she'd rather her kids eat earlier in the day and therefore the OP and her family will do their own thing and see OzBIL another time; DSis has got upset because she's expecting the OP to do half the cooking.

Dipankrispaneven · 21/12/2014 10:05

I don't understand why you can't go over until 6. Can you not go over a couple of hours earlier and help your sister to get ready?

I also don't understand why you feel that Christmas doesn't begin till you see your family. For me, Christmas begins at crack of dawn when the children open their Santa presents and it carries on like that, irrespective of whether the wider family are around or not. In fact, some of our best Christmases have been when we don't see the wider family that day at all.

debbriana · 21/12/2014 10:17

H would wait. It's not like your children will die of hunger, are they?

Shodan · 21/12/2014 10:40

I actually think it's rather off of your sister to bring this up now.

If the assumption was that lunch would be served at lunchtime (because that's how your family has always done it, for example), and arrangements to help her out with the cooking were made based on that assumption, it seems rude to me to suddenly change that just a few days before Christmas Day.

I must admit, I wouldn't be happy about a 6pm mealtime, if only because my children have always been up by 6 in the morning and frankly, by 6pm I'm ready for bed! (well, not quite, but near enough

In your position I would just explain about the kids being fractious in the early evening, you'll have your own Christmas lunch at your place and pop round later. Depending on what part of the meal she is expecting you to cook, could you bung an extra tray of roast potatoes/veg/whatever in your oven after cooking your own meal for you to take round to hers later for reheating?

Or offer to provide all puddings- you could have pudding together at hers? That wouldn't take too long. They could have their main course before you arrive, maybe- providing the BIL's flight is on time, that he wants a full-on roast etc etc

JunkBox · 21/12/2014 10:42

Fru I think you could be right!
OP what was your contribution to the meal, were you having to cook it at yours and take it round ready to serve eg, whilst its still hot? so the day would not start until 6pm?
Or was it something that theoretically could be reheated therefore could be made early on/the night before? Leaving you free to pop round earlier.

You need to sit down with your sister and go through the finer details of what is/isn't expected and sort out what will or wont work for all of you.

timetoplay · 21/12/2014 10:48

If it's just been changed now and they've said don't come until six then yanbu. Why not suggest doing big get together boxing day? Bil is fresher as are kids and do your own thing xmas plus you can start earlier.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 21/12/2014 10:56

YANBU - do you own thing and meet up later or on boxing day. Hope you have a lovely Xmas!

Inertia · 21/12/2014 10:58

Ah, if you were expected to do part of the cooking then that does change things OP. If you have to cook anyway, then it makes sense to eat at a time that suits your family.

Could you have your Christmas lunch at home, go round to see your family during the afternoon, then go home before they eat at 6?

MaryWestmacott · 21/12/2014 10:58

Actually, OP, I think YANBU - it's a bit late for your Dsis to go from "spending Christmas day together" to "spending Christmas evening together" if that's the case.

Iwould say you'll do your own thing at your house, including doing full lunch at lunchtime. They are welcome to come over in the afternoon - perhaps say you'll serve your lunch early, 12:30ish? So you'll be done by 2, then they can come over with their DCs, play some games as a family, have a few canapes/nibbles, leave at 5 to get their meal sorted (assuming having popped the turkey in the oven earlier!), have Christmas dinner with their BIL/DB and then possibly you'll come over in the evening if the DCs can stay up, or if they're can, you'd welcome them all over for a christmas drink and canapes.

She is NBU to say she wants to fit round her BIL, but she is BU to say you also have to fit round the BIL and not just do your own thing/invite her to join you when it suits you.

FruVikingessOla · 21/12/2014 10:58

Exactly, Junk. The OP has offered her DSis the compromise of OP's family doing their own thing - so OP is hardly going to want to cook one-&-a-half Christmas lunches on CD, her own family lunch plus whatever it was she was doing for DSis; although both you and Shodan have a point that she could, theoretically, cook extras for her DSis's dinner - unless it was the turkey!

And I also agree that the DSis should have mentioned this much sooner to the OP.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 21/12/2014 11:06

If you're all in the same area why can't you see the family until 6pm? Can't you go over earlier even if you don't eat until after 6? Or get together with the rest of the family (if there are any) earlier? And why doesn't Christmas start until the family gets together? Surely time with your DH and DC's counts as Christmas too?! You asked if all those saying ywbu wouldn't see their family until 6. Well we won't be seeing ours at all over Christmas other than my dad. DH's family live abroad and aren't coming over. My mum (parents divorced) is refusing to celebrate Christmas as has split with her partner and says she's too depressed. My brother is dead. So I'll be making the most of Christmas Day with my DH and DD.

lurkerspeaks · 21/12/2014 11:07

I'm not seeing my family at all on Christmas Day.

I'm working 400 miles away.

Imply family have moved Christmas to Boxing Day and lunch to the evening many times.

Because they would rather see me than be rigid about meal times.

Surely staying up late and sleeping in the car / in aunties spare bed before being carried home is what Christmas is all about?

dreamingbohemian · 21/12/2014 11:11

I think regardless of the OP's attitude -- it's not very reasonable to plan christmas for an entire extended family around the arrival of one person from the other side of the globe. If BIL/SIL want to eat later because of this, that's fine, but then they shouldn't get upset if other people want to eat earlier and just stop by later for drinks. That seems like a good compromise.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 21/12/2014 11:18

My DH & DCs are the only family I ever see on Christmas Day. It has been that way since my parents died.

We are having an extra Christmas Day with my siblings on the 27th.

It is absolutely not abnormal to not see family on Christmas Day.

I still don't understand why you can't go round to your DSis house earlier in the day though? Just because you're eating at 6pm, why should that mean you can't meet up until 6pm? If you live so close by, you could always pop home for a short while to cook whatever it is you need to cook (if necessary).

ItsaboatJack · 21/12/2014 11:32

If the plan is to eat at 6, have you really been told you can't go over before 6? It would be very strange to arrive at someone's house and then sit down to eat straight away. How many other family members will be there, do you see them all often? Will the dc be asking all day what time is it, do we go soon? Mine would, but then we don't live close so don't see them that often.

Eating at 6 wouldn't bother me so much, but I'd be a bit miffed at being told to stay away all day.

canny1234 · 21/12/2014 11:49

To be honest I can't imagine anything worse than arriving tired and grubby and jet lagged to a household of virtual strangers for a rowdy Christmas dinner with possibly cranky overwrought kids.Can you not having a boxing day celebration when the poor guy will probably be feeling more human.( speaking from the point of view of one who's spent many years travelling long haul with 4 kids in tow).

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