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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her Hmm I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:
Boredshitless · 20/12/2014 05:21

That girl would never ever of had a tattoo if you had not given her a lift as you were going that way......

Did she hurt you as you dragged her kicking and screaming to your car?

The mother is mad, her poor daughter, no wonder she didn't tell her.

YesICanHearYouClemFandango · 20/12/2014 06:30

Oh god, I can totally imagine my mother doing this. YADNBU, for all the reasons already pointed out!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/12/2014 07:13

However if I'm being entirely honest, if my friend of many years took my just turned 18 DD to a tattoo salon and brought Her back, without any sort of communication (yes I know legally I could not stop her, but nice to know what is going on my adult kids life) such as a quick text, I would be upset

You might like to know, but your adult child has every right to exclude you from that knowledge just the same as you have the right to not disclose information to your parents.

tobysmum77 · 20/12/2014 07:41

I think whether it had anything to do with me would depend where the money came from personally. If she'd earned it ok, but not my money.

The responsibility clearly lies with her dd but hell will freeze over before I give my kids a lift to get a tattoo. So I think yabu but she is being more so because I wouldn't have made you responsible.

Personally, I really hate tattoos.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 07:52

Who was paying for it had nothing to do with OP!

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 08:02

It's nothing to do with trying to control or giving permission- clearly at 18 these girls can do as they like.

It's to do with facilitating- the OP took them to the tattoo parlour- it sealed the fate then.

If my DD had a phone call from a violent ex boyfriend asking her around to his flat and she agreed to go do you think I would drive her there and drop her off? Sure as hell I wouldn't. At 18 I couldn't stop her going, but I wouldn't facilitate such an action.

Same with the OP taking these girls to the tattoo parlour. She played some part in facilitating this.

sashh · 20/12/2014 08:04

OP

You have just met a clone of my mother.

Incredibly strict and if I did anything she didn't like or expressed an opinion she didn't agree with it could not be my decision I must have been influenced by someone else.

She cannot imagine why or how her little darling could be so mean as to go against her and as she has ruled her dd with an iron rod it must have been someone else who conned her in to doing something so terrible.

YANBU

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 08:06

I can't believe this thread! There are a lot of parents who won't let go and are treating an adult like a child (maybe they don't have adult children yet).

I hate tattoos and would be upset if my children got them- but that has nothing to do with it. If they are over 18yrs it is up to them what they choose to do with their bodies- and I only get to choose for myself.

This DD is an adult, she is at university, she has decided- the appointment was made and OP offered a lift. She was never a friend of the other mother, she hasn't even seen her since last summer and doesn't expect to see her again, except by coincidence.
I offer lifts to my adult children's friends- I don't ask them where they are going and why and then ask 'would your mother approve'! I certainly don't contact the other mother!

I am not surprised the DD didn't tell her mother first- I doubt she tells her much!

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 08:09

How does going to a tattoo parlour equate with taking to a known violent boyfriend? Confused

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 08:18

I don't see anyone on this thread who is trying to control an 18 yo mehitabel6. Many of us say would be sad or disappointed if our kid got a tattoo- but everyone realises that at 18 kids have a right to have a tattoo if they wish.

So I don't know where all this crap is about "not letting go".

I would be horrified if my 18 year old got a tattoo in the same way as I would be if my OH got a tattoo- and I don't control him either.

So you are happy to drive your kids anywhere- to visit someone in Broadmoor- to attend a violent city centre demonstration, to drop them off at the head quarters of a religious cult? It's their choice so you take them there?

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 08:20

mehitabel6= both are places I would prefer my DD not to go.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 08:23

This was an appointment at a tattoo parlour bigbluestars ! A completely normal and legal place. If they have long hair and I know they are going to get it cut short am I supposed to refuse a lift to the hairdresser and send a text to the mother?!

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 08:24

I would prefer my DCs not to go either- however they may prefer to go.
I dare say I do a lot that my mother would prefer me not to do.

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 08:25

All the visited I have cited are legal and "normal" to many too. I asked you if you would be happy to drive your 18 yo to the venues I outlined.

A tattoo is a bigger step than a haircut. Hair grows. Tattoos don't fade.

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 08:28

mehitabel- you say you would prefer them not to go- but would you take them anyway?

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 08:30

I don't find any of your examples 'normal'.

tobysmum77 · 20/12/2014 08:30

No it didn't Mehitabel, obviously I was on about the other girl's mother.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 08:34

But we are talking about OP.

Iggi999 · 20/12/2014 08:37

How mature was this 18 year old who couldn't mention her plans to her mum until after it was done? She obviously knew it was going to cause trouble. Why couldn't she keep it a secret after for a bit? Sounds like she used the OP as a bit of a scapegoat.

Stealthpolarbear · 20/12/2014 08:41

I'm aware of the recent research about the adolescent brain in the context of risky behaviours. However THAT IS A study of brain development, not put into social or legal context (no reason why it should be)

tobysmum77 · 20/12/2014 08:41

No, we are also talking about the woman who phoned up and ranted that is what the op was about Hmm

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 08:42

mehitabel6- I don't find tattoo parlours "normal" - but that isn't the point.

The OP took them to a tattoo parlour so facilitated this tattoo- the same way I would be complicit if I dropped my DD off at the HQ of a religious cult.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 08:44

We are talking about what OP should do- she is the one who asked the question.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 08:46

OP's DD had a tattoo and OP was quite happy about it.
I doubt she would have been happy with her DD joining a religious cult.
Tattoos (like it or not) are now mainstream - religious cults are not.

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 08:47

Tho OP needs accept some responsibility- she took the girls to the tattoo parlour.

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