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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her Hmm I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:
Fairylea · 20/12/2014 08:47

Yes of course taking someone to a perfectly legal tattoo studio, the vast majority of which are situated on a busy high street, is completely comparable to dropping them off at a religious cult.

HmmConfused

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 08:50

failrylea- you don't get it do you.

Fairylea · 20/12/2014 08:52

You're trying to make a point. I get it. It's just the examples you are using are completely ridiculous.

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 08:53

I wouldm't want my DD joining a religious cult in the same way that I wouldn't want her body vandalised by a tattoo artist.

She may be willing to do both and both are legal, she may be happy at the outcome in both scenarious- doesn't mean I have to approve or think either are in her own long term interests.

HenriettaTurkey · 20/12/2014 08:53

I think calling the mum would've been the unreasonable action: it would have been a betrayal of trust against an adult.

DD's friend is trying to find her way in life and it sounds like she has an overbearing mother. The last thing she needs is another person's mum to imply she's too young to make decisions. That would've been a kick in the gut to me at that stage in my life.

And I don't even like tattoos...

53Dragon · 20/12/2014 08:54

I don't think OP could have predicted the trouble that her lift would cause, but she knew that they were going for a tattoo.
I think the girl's mother was unreasonable to rant and blame.
The girl was immature not to mention to her mother that she was intending to have a tattoo.
BUT the whole situation would've ended far more happily if op had been conciliatory/apologetic or at the very least empathetic when the mother phoned. It was wrong to take the attitude that she doesn't mind her own daughter having a tattoo therefore the other mother should suck it up.

53Dragon · 20/12/2014 08:57

I think I'd prefer mine to try a religious cult than have a visible tattoo - at least they can change their minds and not be marked for life Wink

But that's not what this post is about - it's about what would have been the decent (rather than legal) way to behave.

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 08:57

"I don't think OP could have predicted the trouble that her lift would cause"

well she is the naiive one.

tobysmum77 · 20/12/2014 09:04

We were also talking about whether the other woman has a right to object. I really dont get your point , its just aibu we can discuss any aspect of it, utterly pointless discussion now that is totally off topic under anyone's definition.

Stick to the point it's my advice Wink

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 09:04

If she is immature her mother has made her that way by not being open to honest discussion. When you get that level of control most people take the easy way and don't tell them things that won't approve of.
It seems a bit odd to me that the mother wanted to be told to put a stop to it, either by force of argument or the emotional blackmail of 'it will make mother sad and disappointed'.
The mature approach is to say 'I have listened to your arguments and we need to agree to disagree' or 'I am sorry but I am not responsible for your emotions'. Even at my age I would go for the immature, don't tell her at all!

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 09:07

The other woman doesn't have the right to object - it is just chance she has her mobile number- they are not friends and most probably will never see each other again. What you tell a friend and what you tell a person you barely know are 2 different things.
I still have some of DS's friends mobile numbers back from the days we needed them. I wouldn't use them now.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 09:10

She isn't the naive one- she is the one who has accepted her DD is an adult. Would the woman expect it with a 20yr old, 25yr old, 30 yr old? What age does she accept as adult as she obviously doesn't use the legal age?

Iggi999 · 20/12/2014 09:12

If it was my money being used to pay for my son to have a tattoo I would not be impressed with that either. There's being an adult and then they's being a completely independent adult and I suspect this young woman is the former.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 09:14

However it is not up to OP to ask who is paying for it!

SamCroClaus · 20/12/2014 09:14

"bigbluestars Sat 20-Dec-14 08:47:24
Tho OP needs accept some responsibility- she took the girls to the tattoo parlour."

no she took 2 adults

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 09:15

She may well have money from her 18th birthday - not from her mother- to pay for it. You can't expect the third degree from an acquaintance.

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 09:20

sam- I wouldn't take my OH to a tattoo parlour either and he is an adult.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 09:24

And what didn the mother think she would do if she got a text saying 'your DD is getting a tattoo in an hour'- rush down and create a massive scene and drag her away? Or is the idea that she would just say 'I forbid it' and DD says 'yes mum, sorry mum'?
I suspect that may happen if she isn't strong enough to stand up to her mother but may make her more determined in future. She could get it done at university and just appear home with it.

SamCroClaus · 20/12/2014 09:24

i was correcting the "girls" comment.
they are not "girls" they are adults, so women.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 09:25

Adults can get to a tattoo parlour on their own- they do not need wives and mothers to take them!

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2014 09:25

Nobody a 'reputable' tattooist would certainly not be tattooing a 15yr old ffs!

HouseBaelish · 20/12/2014 09:26

*If my DD had a phone call from a violent ex boyfriend asking her around to his flat and she agreed to go do you think I would drive her there and drop her off? Sure as hell I wouldn't. At 18 I couldn't stop her going, but I wouldn't facilitate such an action.

Same with the OP taking these girls to the tattoo parlour. She played some part in facilitating this*

Except it is in no way the same it is? Confused

You might think someone is "vandalising" their body. They clearly won't. I feel sorry for your children, I really do.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 09:27

If she had texted -the moral of the story was don't just leave mother in the dark, don't tell friend's mother anything either.

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 09:27

mehtabel- so if these girls are so adult why didb't they make their own way to the tattoo parlour?

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 09:28

house- no need to feel sorry for my children- they have good healthy self esteem and are independent thinkers.