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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her Hmm I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:
Summerisle1 · 20/12/2014 00:23

YANBU. The very idea that you are complicit is as irrational as the mother's phone call to you as well.

It wouldn't occur to me to pry into whether an 18 year old needed to get her mother's permission for something perfectly legal. I would assume that the daughter knew full well what, if any, would be the consequences of getting a tattoo. At 18 they are for her to deal with. It simply isn't the business of anyone else, let alone someone who merely offered a lift!

Windywenceslas · 20/12/2014 00:25

The other mother is not her friend, their daughters are and they're friendly when they see each other.

kawliga · 20/12/2014 00:28

It's not about asking the mum for permission don't be daft. It's about the courtesy of calling up the mum because you've known her for years and you know she'll be devastated, just to give her a heads up? Basic politeness! What is wrong with people? 'Sure, I'll give you a lift, but first I'll call your mother to tell her where we're going'. Out of courtesy.

This is nothing to do with tattoos. I would call my dd's friends' mother to say what's going on if I know the mother would be sad and if the mother is my FRIEND! FFS. If you feel you just can't call to say what's going on, then stay out of it and don't get involved. Probably in most cases I would just stay out of it. 'Sorry girls, I can't give you a lift as you are doing something which we all know will make your mother sad.'

EatShitDerek · 20/12/2014 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NobodyLivesHere · 20/12/2014 00:32

My mother took me AND paid for my first ink. And I was only 15. And I still adore it 19 years later.
I'm a professional, I work in schools,it makes no difference.

My ink is my business.

EatShitDerek · 20/12/2014 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WillkommenBienvenue · 20/12/2014 00:33

At 18 if anyone called my mum to grass on me such a thing I think my mums reply would be 'and? Her choice'

The point is this woman didn't get an opportunity to say that. OP didn't contact her despite knowing that she was strict.

Now if OP had said she had deliberately enabled the tattoo because she doesn't like the mother's controlling attitude over her daughter I would be a lot more comfortable about it because it's an honest form of rebellion and there's an element of standing up for this oppressed young person but she hasn't said that, she seems to want sympathy and seems surprised that the mother has been upset. It's all very PA.

EatShitDerek · 20/12/2014 00:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Summerisle1 · 20/12/2014 00:40

That's all very well kawliga but you are making a lot of presumptions here about stuff that the OP doesn't need to know in the first place. I'd have been quite astonished if anyone else's mother decided to phone me in order to tell me that my 18 year old sons were planning to get a tattoo. Even if I disliked tattoos.

As I said before, none of this is the OP's business!

NobodyLivesHere · 20/12/2014 00:43

Derek - exactly, a reputable place which were harder to come by back then. With a good artist.
OP did nothing wrong.

EduCated · 20/12/2014 00:48

From the OP it sounds as if the DDs are at university, or at least the OP's DD. I think that makes quite a difference from being school-aged 18 in terms of living away, as an adult and being responsible for yourself, certainly makes it more ridiculous to talk about 'permission'.

I can understand that the mum is upset, though I disagree with it. The issue is between the mum and her DD, given that they'd already made the appointment, it is hugely likely they'd have gone ahead whether they got a lift or the bus. It's not for OP to intervene in their relationship.

Hopefully she will acknowledge that she is venting at you unfairly once she has calmed down.

EduCated · 20/12/2014 00:50

Also of the people I can think of off the top of my head with tattoos, one is a trainee accountant, one a youth worker, one a physiotherapist and one a doctor.

Clearly their tattoos are holding them back Hmm

ravenAK · 20/12/2014 01:06

Of my friends with tattoos & piercings, the ones who experience workplace discrimination as a result are usually the ones in lower paid, non-professional roles.

I know quite a few tattooed doctors, lawyers, teachers & accountants for whom it's really never been an issue, whereas friends who work in near minimum waged areas such as care or catering, for example, seem to get tutted at rather more. I'm slightly sceptical about the notion that tattoos will affect a career trajectory.

Yes, I'd advise my dc to be circumspect about size & placement of tattoos, at least in their youth, for job reasons, but to be honest, their future employers are today's 20somethings, amongst whom body adornment is generally not seen as a 'distraction', much less a limiting factor.

kawliga · 20/12/2014 01:07

I agree with the posters saying OP was being passive aggressive. OP, you KNEW the mother would disapprove. That's the difference. If you didn't know the mother's views one way or the other that would be a different thing. Obviously you don't have to call parents up to ask 'by the way, I hear your dd is planning xyz, what are your views on that, hmm?'

It's different if you already know it will upset the mother, and you OFFERED the dd a lift, she didn't even ask you if you would please give her a lift. You stepped in and offered. You didn't need to do that. You didn't need to get involved. Your friend is disappointed with you OP, because you got involved in enabling something you KNEW she disapproved of. It's a betrayal. Nothing to do with whether the dd would have got there by herself anyway, after all that's what the dd would have done if you had kept your nose out and not OFFERED to drive her there.

Nibledbyducks · 20/12/2014 01:13

If Everyone could just learn not to judge a book by it's cover it wouldn't matter anyway! I have no idea why anyone would think a tattoo would make a person any less good at their job, I'm relatively certain tattoo ink doesn't have any effect on the brain.....

Original poster
han3459 · 20/12/2014 01:27

Wow! Thanks for all the responses.

Just to clear a few things up-
Both DD and her friend are living away from home at University, DD was 19 in September and her friend is in May next year.

Her mum is not someone I would class as a friend. I don't dislike her but we never really speak other when we bump into each other e.g. at old school events. Even when we pick up our DDs I normally just text mine to say I'm outside and she does the same. Been the same for years.

That's another reason I found it so odd. I would never consider ringing her up because we would never normally do that. I think the last time I spoke to her was at their prom in June

OP posts:
KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 20/12/2014 01:38

You didn't do anything wrong, OP.

The overbearing mother was rude to you. Very rude.

At least now your daughters are adults you can cut her loose.

kawliga · 20/12/2014 01:44

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents

Well, you may not think of her as your friend, but you knew all this information about her and you say that your two dds have been best friends since primary school and it sounds like the reason you offered them a ride was because you "don't really agree with the way she parents"

Nothing wrong with tattoos at the end of the day, but don't pretend you don't see why your friend dd's best friend's mum was upset.

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 20/12/2014 01:48

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to.

Read that again, though. Strict in the past. When they were at primary school. It didn't cross her mind to check now that the child is an adult.

All the OP did was offer someone a lift. That's all. The appointments were already booked. The deal was done. They could've just as easily hopped on a bus or into a taxi.

Whether or not the OP agrees with how BatCrapCrazyMum parents is neither here nor there. As the 'child' is now an adult.

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 20/12/2014 01:51

OP, you've got a fecking good excuse for never offering anyone a lift again ever.

Smart move.

Wink

If they stay friends remember to ring the mum every time you drive her child somewhere.

EatShitDerek · 20/12/2014 02:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 20/12/2014 02:26

I like really good tattoos, but also think they are fairly unusual. Most tattoos just aren't very well done and I think most people don't put enough thought into something that will permanently change their body. That seems to be particularly true for the young people I know. This may be partly due to not having a very good perception about long term consequences (I'm a risk manager at a university and it seems to be pretty well known that young people often make poor decisions, I really don't think it's a new idea) but it could also be about not being assertive enough about what they want, not being savvy about the tattooist they choose or being assertive enough about what they want.

There is no way I'd take an 18 year old that wasn't my child to a tattooist unless I really knew that they had put a huge amount of thought into what they were doing, and I would be extremely pissed off if someone encouraged my children to have a tattoo if I thought they'd not really thought it through.

StarbuckGalactica · 20/12/2014 02:32

I can't believe it's even an issue - the girl is 18 and at uni. She's probably up to all sorts. It's not up to anyone to police her now.

NobodyLivesHere · 20/12/2014 03:28

The OP didn't 'take her to a tattooist', she gave her child and a mate a lift into town. The two are very different things.

nooka · 20/12/2014 04:07

The OP said that she offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place, so she did take her to a tattooist. I'm not suggesting it was her idea or that the girls couldn't have organised it for themselves, but the OP was definitely involved.

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