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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her Hmm I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:
KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 19/12/2014 23:47

Yes Joffrey, it was indeed the rabbit from Bambi - he said: '"If you can't say nothin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

Ah!

He also said: "Eating greens is a special treat, it makes long ears and great big feet."

If that's not an encouragement to eat your veg then I don't know what it.

Wink
WillkommenBienvenue · 19/12/2014 23:48

Neuroscientists, I think psychologists elaborate on it.

Fairylea · 19/12/2014 23:48

Anyone is capable of making daft decisions at any age. I married my ex husband at 26..... I regret that more than I do any of my tattoos. Grin

The law says 18 is an adult. That's all the op needed to be aware of.

motherinferior · 19/12/2014 23:49

But what was the study?

ravenAK · 19/12/2014 23:50

Yeah, maybe I need to re-think my choice of life coach. Still, lots more room for piercings in my ear cartilage, eh? Xmas Wink

VinoTime · 19/12/2014 23:50

She's a legal adult.

What did the woman expect you to do, exactly? Throw yourself between the doors and demand she run home to check with mummy first? Confused

superstarheartbreaker · 19/12/2014 23:53

My tattoo is hidden in my hip. I won't get a visible tattoo as I go for job interviews.
As my tattoo is hidden I did not get it done rather than because it meant something to me. I thought about this symbol for 10 years and it always meant something to me.

StripedCandycaneOss · 19/12/2014 23:58

i have ink, i was 29 when i had my first, and i had my 2nd done when i was 33.. yes i will have more done.

As for this 'living in my house under my rules' idea.. your house/your rules should NEVER apply to your childs skin. You should not expect to have any control over their personal appearance.

As for peoples opinions, so far, everyone who has commented on mine are usually appreciative and interested as my mainly visible one is a memorial tattoo for my dad who died this year and often incites conversation about him and why i had it done/what it means.

I actually had one customer who talked to me about it start crying and clasp my hand and thank me for making her day brighter by talking about how i had dealt with the grief of losing him and how seeing my tattoo constantly reminds me to live my life better and to never give up hope.

Another customer laughed and serenaded me with the song my tattoo quotes.

Quite frankly, anyone with a negative opinion about it can fuck off.

WillkommenBienvenue · 19/12/2014 23:59

Tatoos is just something people do or don't do. But they don't do it to their 18 year old daughter's friend with very strict parents that they've known for years without checking what her mother might think about it first.

I personally think tattoos on the average UK non-Maori body are just effete and faddish. And they look rubbish when you get older, look like someone's drawn on you with a felt pen.

What happened to beauty being on the inside? Grin

motherinferior · 20/12/2014 00:00

She didn't 'do it'. She gave a young woman a lift.

And I still want to see that research...

SconeRhymesWithGone · 20/12/2014 00:01

This references some of the research about the adolescent brain.

hrweb.mit.edu/worklife/youngadult/brain.html

For what it's worth, I don't judge people on the basis of whether they have tattoos. I don't have them, but my both of my children do and so does my sister.

WillkommenBienvenue · 20/12/2014 00:02

www.ted.com/talks/sarah_jayne_blakemore_the_mysterious_workings_of_the_adolescent_brain?language=en

mother here's one explanation

WillkommenBienvenue · 20/12/2014 00:03

Here's the long version

superstarheartbreaker · 20/12/2014 00:05

I think that tattoos are not so much a work of art but symbolism. My symbol is imperfect ( I might even get it touched up ad it is blotchy ) but I live it and what it means. I live the way it looks and the fact that it is for my eyes only ( and only lovers know where it is.)

motherinferior · 20/12/2014 00:07

Ok, so there's some decent work vein done - but are the implications really that adults need to be monitored and nannied? Really? Should we deprive them of the right to vote or get married?

AlpacaLypse · 20/12/2014 00:08

When I interview people for jobs with my agency I make judgements about their appearance. I notice if they've bothered to put clean smart clothes on, I notice if they've brushed their hair properly, I notice all sorts of things.

I also notice if they've got facial piercings or tattoos that intrude over their neck, throat, wrists, hands - I find those daft behind the ear ones particularly silly and distracting. And referring to someone upthread - yes, I notice stretched earlobes. Yes, of course I'm aware that some of those body art choices may have been made when the person was younger and less aware of how much that choice would affect their future.

My key interest when interviewing is whether or not someone is going to be good at the job, and I wouldn't reject a person outright just because she or he was covered in skin art. However, I tend to get lots of people applying for any one job I have going, and since I know that a fair few of our clients would find a visibly tattooed person disconcerting (to put it mildly) given the choice of two good candidates, one with tatts and one without, the one without would get the job.

EatShitDerek · 20/12/2014 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 20/12/2014 00:11

Should we deprive them of the right to vote or get married?

Yes. And forbidden to accept lifts unless the driver asks their mum.

motherinferior · 20/12/2014 00:11

Fwiw I personally am not mad about tattoos. But I can't really intervene in another woman's decision to have one just because I happen to know her parents.

StripedCandycaneOss · 20/12/2014 00:13

the main difference between people who have tatts and those who dont? Those of us with them, dont judge you for NOT having them.

A tattoo doesn't make you a criminal, and a Tie doesn't make you decent.

Fairylea · 20/12/2014 00:14

So where do you draw the line? Maybe we shouldn't allow young people to drive as that can have dangerous consequences and can affect the lives of others? Maybe we should stop all young people under the age of 21 from ever leaving the house.

motherinferior · 20/12/2014 00:15

I'm not mad about ties either Grin

ravenAK · 20/12/2014 00:16

I don't think '18-21yos are a bit daft & therefore, amongst the adult population, disproportionately capable of decisions they may come to regret' is an especially controversial conclusion.

I'm just not going to extrapolate from that to '...so if it comes to your attention that an 18yo acquaintance is about to take a decision she may some day rue, the onus is on YOU to call her parents!'

...who have no powers whatsoever to curtail her legal actions & really, should've already had a conversation with her about tattoos if they feel so very strongly.

Assuming the tattoo the dd's friend had wasn't several levels of outrage up from her mate's discreet design on the side of a foot, there's really no need for the parental shockhorror anyway - it's hardly going to blight her career ffs.

anothermakesthree · 20/12/2014 00:17

It is really up to the adult.

However if I'm being entirely honest, if my friend of many years took my just turned 18 DD to a tattoo salon and brought Her back, without any sort of communication (yes I know legally I could not stop her, but nice to know what is going on my adult kids life) such as a quick text, I would be upset.

EatShitDerek · 20/12/2014 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.