To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

[han3459]

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

My children have a lot more freedom and autonomy than most (for example they have both traveled from where we live to the UK on their own, a 16hr journey with a change of planes involved too) I've no worries on that front, they can cook and clean, and I'm happy for them to experiment with alcohol too. At 18 I expect them to have traveled the world a bit and to be living far away. I won't expect them to be fully adult though, just as I don't see them as being fully children right now. It's a totally artificial line.

Yes we are all likely to make some bad decisions in our life, but there is plenty of evidence that the parts of our brains that consider risk are not well developed until the early 20s. One reason why young people are much more likely to be involved in car accidents as an example.

"Seems to be following the same narrowminded judgemental nature of his parents. poor chap."

That is so funny.

The tat of tattoos. Wow.

To be honest Greys, I'm probably the antichrist.

Sure I have a degree. Am a qualified Licensed Conveyancer. Have been director of one business and am currently starting a second. I donate to charity. I volunteer for a charity. I help out with drama at my daughters school.

However, I have tattoos. You cannot imagine how awful I am

You're a horrible person how dare you chose to have art on your body don't you realise only idiots have them?!

Just in case some people don't realise my sarcasm, I'm sure you're a lovely person and that your tattoos are fab. People are so judgemental its unreal.

Slightly tattooed high five?

Probably shouldn't mention the tongue stud....

I cba to read 15 pages of this thread and it has obviously moved on but I do have some sympathy with the other parent in this situation. Of course at 18 the daughter is an independent adult and can choose to have a tattoo if she wants. However it would have been sensible to have mentioned it to the other mum. Personally, if it was my DD, I would have appreciated the opportunity to talk to her and make sure she fully understood what she was choosing to do. She may be legally considered an adult at 18 but most 18 year olds still have a lot of maturing to do and often don't fully think through the consequences of their actions.

She has had plenty of years to talk about it- if she has got to 18 and still wants one it is all a bit late!

YANBU. She is 18 and allowed

But I hate tatoos- I think they look disgusting and I would be upset with her if she was my daughter and would hope she would not have done it.

But there is no way to tell from the OP if the young woman in question had thought long and hard about having a tattoo or if it was a bit of whim, possibly just because her friend was having one. I wouldn't have rung the other mother and I think the other mum's reaction was completely OTT, but it doesn't sound as if the OP asked any questions at all.

I'd be upset if I didn't know about one of my DC getting a tattoo too - but only through disappointment in myself, that they felt unable to talk with me about it - or ask me for tattooist recommendations!

I'd imagine your DDs friends mother was projecting. You weren't at fault!

Is it compulsory to be driven to the tattoo parlour? Do they refuse to tattoo you, if you travel by bus?

Whilst the daughter can legally get a tattoo I can understand how she might think this, had she been giving a lift to something where a parent might have been uneasy she may have asked. So she is applying a "what I would have done" so I understand her frustration but her as her daughter is 18 she has no actual power

Maybe she didn't think long and hard about it- that wasn't my point. The mother had years and years of being able to discuss it and so it is a bit late to rush in at the last minute, had she been informed. My DCs have always known what DH and I think about tattoos - however, since they are all over 18yrs, I can't see what telling them again on the day they are getting them done is going to achieve.

Perhaps the OP should have called the father, he seems like a shadowy figure in all of this so I think we need to bring him centre stage and hear what he has to say (or do only mums have opinions on tramp stamps/body graffiti/the tat it tattoos?)

I'm picturing him with a shaven head, piercings all over, inked from head to toe and employed as a circus geek with a troupe that mainly tours the Home Counties.

I suspect the simmering resentment between him and his wife that he didnt take the chartered accountancy position he was offered in Cheam is the source of much of her angst.

Is it compulsory to be driven to the tattoo parlour? Do they refuse to tattoo you, if you travel by bus?

What point are you trying to make?

Grays - a pointless one, I think .

Thanks for that Agatha I did think I might have missed something there

I thought it was a very funny point because of all the fuss about giving adults lifts! (gone into at great length and completely mystifying)

I'm an adult and I rely on my DP for lifts Im a shitty adult evidently

Pinky- I lied. He had no reason to suspect I wasn't 18. Not his fault I was a liar.

From an American site - database and training consultants:

With today's strong interest into "Body Art", the question arises as to how people with tattoos can advance within American professional careers. Some corporations maintain a strict policy against visible tattoos, especially companies that must make a good impression on the general public.

Tattoos have a curious history

1850 - 1900 - Tattoos used to be the bastion of carnival freak shows, with people flocking to the circus to see the amazing tattooed Lady.

1900 - 1950 - Tattoos in the early 20th century indicated a Sailor or Marine. In these cases, they did not have any social stigma, except that tattoos were generally indicative of enlisted men. Few Navy or Marine officers dared to draw on their body.

1950 - 1960 - In the early 1950's, tattoos became popular with the criminal element, mostly outlaw bikers, social outcasts and the mentally ill. It was during this time tattoos took on a more ominous reputation.

1960 - 1990 - This was the age of "prison tats" where having a tattoo indicated to some people that you were a tough felon.

1990-2008 - Today we see hordes of young people drawing on themselves with free abandon, (almost 30% of people in the 1980's). These people do not understand that a tattoo may effectively prohibit them from pursuing some professional careers, regardless of their other qualifications.
Today, a prejudice still exists within corporate America about tattoos.

Don't kid yourself about the importance of hiding or removing tattoos. If you look at middle management and above in any of the Fortune 50 companies, you will be hard pressed to find any managers that have visible tattoos.

56Dragon, maybe not middle+ management in a fortune 50 but such acheivement (?) pales into insignificance, in relation to the achievement of the scientist who helped take a rocket to a comet, such as the heavily tattooed Dr. Matt Taylor!! I know which I'd rather my children idolised.

53*, sorry!