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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her Hmm I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:
bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 17:08

I get all the stuff about lifts- I regulary give many people lifts.
I asked this question of my OH- would he lift me to a tatto parlour?

A big fat no.

Meechimoo good for you. And I agree. But if I had been your mother I would not have given you a ride to get there.

I respect any 18 year old's decision to get a tattoo. They are of the age of majority, they can decide for themselves. I would fully support my 18 yo 's power to decide for themselves.

However I still wouldn't like it - and I certainly wouldn't facilitate it by taking them there.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 18:28

The sensible thing to do if you want a lift is not tell him where you are going!
The DD didn't tell her mother because she knew she wouldn't like it- unless you want to be openly confrontational it seems to be the best option.

WalkWithTheLonelyOnes · 20/12/2014 20:21

If I went to get a tattoo with a friend and the friend's mum rang my mum I would br furious.

18 is an adult whether the mum likes it or not.

bigbluestars · 21/12/2014 08:00

If my OH went to get a tattoo he would be in the dog house.

Go figure.

Mehitabel6 · 21/12/2014 08:37

I expect you are 100% sure he wouldn't get one- I am with my DH.
I can't be 100% sure with my DCs. I have to accept they are adults and will make their own choices- and be free to do so. I can't see why they should be put off by being put in the doghouse by their mother- it is my problem and not theirs!

SparkleZilla · 21/12/2014 10:11

I'm definitely in the '18 is an adult and the other mum needs to get a grip' camp

Op dd was going and op was giving her a lift and it made sense to give friend a lift as they were going to the same place. It makes no difference where they were going

If op gave a lift to the pub and the friend got legless and had an accident and ended up in hospital, would it be the OPs fault as she 'facilitated' them getting to the pub?

No...

StripedCandycaneOss · 21/12/2014 10:13

to what point should we continue to consult our parents?

I was 29, married and a mother of 2 when i had my first.. no i didn't tell either my mum or my dad until after i had it done. Did they approve? Nope. Do i care? Nope.

The second one i told mum about before hand because it was a memorial one for my dad, she was the first person to see it afterwards and she actually likes it.. she has accepted i am a person who has tattoos and that i am sensible enough to get them in places i can conceal them if needs be.

My DH has 3.. we both plan to get more, because as Adults, its our decision and no-one elses business.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 21/12/2014 11:03

DD has 2, both done after her 18th. Both discreet and quirky. Was I happy? No. Was I a shouty twat about it? No.

The facilitating thing: I hope that part of the OP's response to shouty mum was "at least my DD doesn't have to lie to a woman she fears".

bigbluestars · 21/12/2014 12:49

Did I say I would doghouse my DD?

Of course I wouldn't. An 18 year old can do as she likes.

But I wouldn't facilitate a tattoo by taking her to a tattoo parlour.

GraysAnalogy · 21/12/2014 12:53

I'm still laughing at how you think it's facilitating it.

How childish would it be to sit there and say 'no daughter I wont be giving you a lift I'm going to make you get public transport because I simply cannot be seen FACILITATING an adult getting a tattoo' Hmm

bigbluestars · 21/12/2014 12:54

I wouldn't take my OH to a tattoo parlour either.

Of course taking someone to a tattoo parlour is facilitating the course of action

GraysAnalogy · 21/12/2014 12:55

You sound like an extremely childish and stubborn person. Refusing to give lifts because it's not something you personally agree with Hmm

GraysAnalogy · 21/12/2014 12:57

A few months ago my niece had an abortion. I supported her decision, despite secretly wishing she could keep the baby. I gave her a lift to the clinic with her friend because she couldn't drive.
So, in your eyes, I facilitated an abortion.
When in actual fact I just didn't want my niece having to get public transport.

HouseBaelish · 21/12/2014 13:28

*If my OH went to get a tattoo he would be in the dog house.

Go figure*

The only thing I can figure from that is you're bizarrely controlling....

I respect my partner as an adult. With their own decisions. With their own opinions. I wouldn't expect them to ask my permission for anything. Nor would I expect any say over whether their decorated their body. Now would I place an adult person "in the doghouse" for doing so.

bigbluestars · 21/12/2014 13:33

Not controlling at all. I have asked my OH if he would run me to the tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

His answer- a big fat no.

Thankfully he finds tattoos as repulsive as I do.

Windywenceslas · 21/12/2014 13:35

That just means your equally controlling and stubborn.

HouseBaelish · 21/12/2014 13:40

Thankfully he finds tattoos as repulsive as I do

You cannot know how much I am expecting your kids to rebel against the controlling and get massive fuck off tattoos. It is textbook Grin

bigbluestars · 21/12/2014 15:27

windy- equally controlling? How does that work? Surely one has to be controlled in order to allow the other to control.

housebael- well my oldest kid is an adult and thinks that tattoos are for idiots. So unless he wants to rebel against himself? you must be reading the wrong textbooks.

Thankfully I have raised my kids are free thinkers who don't feel the need to rebel.

Maybe your kids are different.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 21/12/2014 15:35

When did having a tattoo become an act of rebellion and stopping people being free thinkers?

tiggytape · 21/12/2014 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbluestars · 21/12/2014 16:42

tiggy- not contolling at all. My OH is free to get a tattoo or not as he pleases. He sees through the whole tat of tattoos too thankfully.

Body graffiti.

tiggytape · 21/12/2014 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 21/12/2014 18:01

I would expect to have a fair bit of influence on my children even when they are 18, my parents certainly influenced me at that age (and for a significant time afterward too). I expect my children to be pretty much dependent still then as they will almost certainly be at university and dh and I will be paying for their tuition and living costs. They might be legally adults (although where I live that won't be true, it's 19 here for most things for some odd reason) and I expect them to be living their own lives away from home but they will still be young, inexperienced and naive.

I work at a university and our students get into a fair bit of trouble because they are vulnerable and don't have that much life experience - they will make better decisions as they get older. I will be (and have) recommending that neither of my children make potentially life changing decisions too early. I did and looking back I recognise that I was incredibly young and that there were significant downsides to some of my choices.

My dd (14) has talked about getting a tattoo and we've spoken about issues with permanency and quality. The people I know with really good tattoos have all spent a lot of time thinking about what they want and finding someone talented to do it for them. dd has some really good long term friends and I'd give them exactly the same advice. If I thought they hadn't thought it through or were going somewhere seedy (most places in our town) I would try to talk them out of it, not give them a lift. If that makes me controlling I'm happy to own it.

tiggytape · 21/12/2014 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HouseBaelish · 21/12/2014 18:43

Nope. Sorry. She's a free thinker too. And she'd love a tattoo. Obviously being 8 she's having to wait. Not sure how wanting tattoos equates to not being a free thinker.

"tattoos are for idiots" - that doesn't seem to be free thinking. Seems to be following the same narrowminded judgemental nature of his parents. poor chap.

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