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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:

HouseBaelish · 20/12/2014 12:54

It's a difficult one, isn't it? My own feeling is that it is better to keep out of things that I know are going to cause upset in another family. I would also like to think that an adult behaving like an adult would not ask for a lift to something like this - they would be adult enough to make their own way their without involving a family friend

I suppose it is made more tricky by the fact that the two young women wanted to go together, and OP was happy for her daughter to go....

DustInTheWind · 20/12/2014 12:56

The two young women wanted to go to the tattoo parlour together, and the mother of one of them offered a lift to both of them.
Makes sense to me.
All those frothing about telling the mother, would you be as happy if it were your boyfriends, lovers and sexual habits being run past your parent to see if they object? If anything about your choices as an adult might upset your mother?

DustInTheWind · 20/12/2014 12:57

Xpost with several others.

HouseBaelish · 20/12/2014 12:59

I got my tongue pierced when I was 32. Mother wasn't happy (You might DIE!) but what could she say? I'm an adult. I make my choices.

Clearly I didn't die and I suspect she barely registers it

DustInTheWind · 20/12/2014 13:00

'My own feeling is that it is better to keep out of things that I know are going to cause upset in another family'

So much safer for you not to take a stance on anything that might get ethically tricky. Although I've never been very good at sitting on the fence when it comes to someone exercising free will and someone else taking exception to it.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2014 13:02

Family friend was a quick way of saying the mother of the friend, but I know that the OP and the other Mum aren't friends. However, they have known each other for many years, and the OP knew that it was likely to cause upset. For that reason I would not have been involved in any way. My eldest is 17, so his friends are all 17/18 - Ive known them all since nursery and know their parents. Whilst I am not friends as such, I do know that there are some parents who would not be happy with them having tattoos - so while I might not agree with their stance I wouldn't be an 'accessory' by taking their DS to a tattoo appointments in the knowledge that their parents didn't know and wouldn't be happy with it.

But I suspect that this is going to be one of those threads that goes on for ages and elicits very divided opinions

ohlittlepea · 20/12/2014 13:04

What was the tattoo and where is it? Unless she got cuntwaffle tattooed on her face, Yanbu

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 20/12/2014 13:05

Why isn't the mother dealing with the DD? Her DD was the one that chose to have the tatoo?

Also at what age will the mother stop expecting other mothers to report back on her child? When the child is 26? 42?

It's not like OP and mother are friends

Chandon · 20/12/2014 13:07

if these girls are so "grown up", why do they need to be driven to town? By a parent?

I can understand the other mum is upset for you literally driving her DD to a tattoo shop.

Not everybody like tattoos and they are clearly still young (as in needing to be driven to places by mum)

AskMeAnother · 20/12/2014 13:10

I would be angry with you too. You are complicit

I don't agree with that. Both young women were of age, adults. I'd take a dim view if I wanted to do something, at 57, and you went to check with my 82 year old dad to see if I was 'allowed'. [I wouldn't be. Whatever it was, if it didn't involve close family or church, it wouldn't be considered suitable for me. Parents are parents even when you're old.]

The complaining mother should have told her daughter firmly, when younger, that 'a tattoo is the mark of a prostitute' (not my personal belief, just what one dad I know told his daughter when she had a tattoo for her 35th birthday) so that she would know what some older people might think if they saw it.

Almost everyone has tattoos nowadays, so the stigma has all-but gone. Even so, I'm' glad my lovely daughter hasn't marked her beautiful skin, but if she did, she'd still be my beautiful girl and I wouldn't be blaming the person who gave her a lift to the tattoo salon.

[Dearest, that's not an invitation to have a tattoo. I know you don't want to but I don't want you to think I'm trying to encourage it. Mum]

fatterface · 20/12/2014 13:10

I'd offer another adult a lift if I was going that way anyway, I'd expect my mum to drive me into town if she was going rather than make me walk separately and we're both adults.

HouseBaelish · 20/12/2014 13:11

if these girls are so "grown up", why do they need to be driven to town? By a parent?

Because OP said she was going to town anyway and offered them a lift.....isn't that what people do?! I offer various people lifts when I know I'm going their way.....

Because maybe neither have passed their driving test.....

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 20/12/2014 13:11

I regularly give lifts to non drivers ranging from 0 to 70 years old. The fact they got a lift there is meaningless.

The question I'd be asking is why the girl didn't tell her mother about the tatoo. It was the girls responsibility.

DustInTheWind · 20/12/2014 13:15

'The question I'd be asking is why the girl didn't tell her mother about the tatoo.'

Or why she told her mother about the tattoo. if I had a parent like that, I'd just not share information that would distress them with them. Rather like me not telling them about my lover at 16. We were together for three years, and neither of my parents knew we were anything but sweet and adorable GF/BF.
Wasn't worth the fuss.

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 20/12/2014 13:18

if these girls are so "grown up", why do they need to be driven to town? By a parent?

I'm in my 30s (child, job, mortgage tattoos). Can't drive and my mum often gives me lifts places. I still consider myself 'grown up'.

HouseBaelish · 20/12/2014 13:19

I can't be the only one wondering what the tattoo was now......

EatShitDerek · 20/12/2014 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EatShitDerek · 20/12/2014 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2014 13:42

You mum is 42???

Fuck I'm old.

Fairylea · 20/12/2014 13:43

I think I might stop driving. Maybe then I won't have to be a grown up anymore.

People get SO over emotional and worked up about tattoos it's absolutely ridiculous. I bet if the daughter decided to get her teeth whitened or her ears pierced her mum would have been far more relaxed. Ironic considering it is all body modification. People with tattoos are just trying to enjoy their bodies and make themselves look nice just like any other body modification (plastic surgery, piercings, teeth whitening or braces for cosmetic reasons etc). Just because someone doesn't think tattoos look good doesn't mean everyone else agrees. It's a subjective view isn't it. We are all different.

HouseBaelish · 20/12/2014 13:46

I think someone posted earlier up the thread about people with tattoos not judging those that don't, but seemingly its appropriate the other way around.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2014 13:53

It's not appropriate for either side to judge.

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 20/12/2014 14:21

If the girl didn't want to tell her mum, that's her decision. But the girl is the only one who should be getting it in the neck from this - although at 18 she should be making her own decisions. It's got nothing to do with the taxi driver.

Windywenceslas · 20/12/2014 14:23

My mischievous side is hoping the tattoo was on her face

Given that it was a short appointment in one sitting I suspect it was small and probably in a place that can be hidden. Most people don't get their first tattoo in a prominent place.

Come on OP, what and where is it?

Meechimoo · 20/12/2014 14:50

I was living away from home, paying my own bills and running my own home when I was 18. If I'd wanted to have the map of Wales tattooed onto my face, it would've been none of my Mum's business whatsoever.

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