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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her Hmm I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 10:30

I agree 100% tiggytape . Parenthood is gradually letting go and making yourself redundant. Give roots and wings. Keep the lines of communication open - they are firmly shut here and OP is supposed to inform the mother so she can fly down and impose her will. Would the mother in question inform her mother? No one has given the magic age when you can stop interfering-judging by MN and trouble with parents and in- laws it is never!

SamCroClaus · 20/12/2014 10:34

i do love how she is being referred to as a "girl"

at 18 you are an adult.

edamsavestheday · 20/12/2014 10:47

The other mother is a loon but have to admit I'm glad there are unreasonable, controlling people on this thread or it would all be v boring

WillkommenBienvenue · 20/12/2014 11:21

OP knew that this young woman's parents were particularly strict. She should have at least asked her if her mother knew she was getting it done, out of plain common decency and concern for her wellbeing. She could have gone home and had the crap beaten out of her for all anyone knows.

This is something that will be on her body for the rest of her life. Did OP even ask what she was getting done?

motherinferior · 20/12/2014 11:23

What, rather than operating on the basis that the young woman could handle it for herself?

It isn't a moral imperative to be a busybody, you know.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2014 12:05

It's not a being a 'busybody' to check with the young adult whom you've known since early primary school that her mothet is aware of what she's doing - esp. if you know that that mother is likely to be upset.

You can disagree with the parenting style - but it's better (imo) to not be involved in any way with such a situation, esp. as you know that there is likely to be a fallout. Keep well out of it - and let adults make their own way to their tattoo appointments.

DustInTheWind · 20/12/2014 12:13

'She could have gone home and had the crap beaten out of her for all anyone knows.'

Then if that's the case, she needs to know that she's entitled to bodily autonomy, that her parents don't have the right to beat her and the police need to be involved.
Not that she shouldn't make any choices that trigger abusive behaviour, that it's her fault for stepping out of line and that she should comply and conform to parental expectations and be a good girl.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 12:22

It is what makes MN so addictive, edam.
Personally if I knew a young adult with a strictly controlling adult I would keep well out of it.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 12:22

Sorry a young adult with a strictly controlling parent.

RandomNPC · 20/12/2014 12:23

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all. Some of the arguments on this thread are a bit...mad!

tiggytape · 20/12/2014 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2014 12:29

A negative answer = keep me out of this, I don't want to be involved in any way, make your own way to your appointment (given that you are an adult you don't need a lift from your mummy)

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 12:34

I am an adult and I am very grateful when offered a lift by people's mummies! I don't expect to be quizzed on reasons. I find it weird in here that adults are expected to turn down lifts in favour of public transport- I never have!

SirChenjin · 20/12/2014 12:39

This is not just a lift though, is it? This is the OP taking a young person she has known for many years to something she knew would cause upset in another family thst she has also known for many years. As I said, she might not agree with what goes on in that house, but it would have been far better to say that she wasn't going to be involved in an way, shape or form.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 12:41

I still wonder what age some people deem an adult. If I were to say to someone offering me a lift , 'my mother doesn't approve' are they supposed to say 'sorry you can't have a lift'! The whole thing is bizarre- by people who won't accept their child is an adult and not an extension of themselves.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 12:43

Why, SirChenjin? She didn't know- she didn't ask and she wasn't told!

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 12:44

It appears that if a young adults asks you for a lift you have to give them the third degree and ask if their mother approves! I simply give lifts.

tiggytape · 20/12/2014 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlorenceMattell · 20/12/2014 12:45

If she hadn't had a lift to the tattoo place she would have got a bus, rescheduled appointment.
OP you did nothing wrong. The friends mother needs to learn to let go.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2014 12:47

It's a difficult one, isn't it? My own feeling is that it is better to keep out of things that I know are going to cause upset in another family. I would also like to think that an adult behaving like an adult would not ask for a lift to something like this - they would be adult enough to make their own way their without involving a family friend.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2014 12:49

there not their

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 20/12/2014 12:52

The girls are adults, not children. It's their decision. It's the DD's responsibility to tell her mother what she's doing, not OP's.

tiggytape · 20/12/2014 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 12:52

You make it sound as if she is doing something shameful and dreadful! I still can't get my head around adults not asking for lifts or offering lifts and interrogating as to where they are going etc!
How can you know it was cause upset? I loathe tattoos- plenty of people love them- as shown on this thread.
For all OP knows she could have phoned the other mother to be told by her to mind her own business!

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 12:54

Who would take their DD but make the friend catch a bus?!