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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it is not my fault her daughter got a tattoo!

426 replies

han3459 · 19/12/2014 19:47

Hi all,

Wondering about a situation that's occurred over the last few days. My oldest DD is 19 and has had a best friend since primary school who is 18.

My DD decided she wanted to get a small tattoo on the inside of her foot over the summer but decided to wait until the Christmas break so she was sure it was what she wanted and so she could be at home to get it done. I heard from my DD that her friend also wanted a tattoo and so they decided to book the appointment together.

As neither of them have cars I offered to give them a lift to the tattoo place as I needed to go to town, and then drop her friend home afterwards as we drive past hers anyway.

Later on that evening, I get a phone call from the girl's mum who is furious. She said she would not given her daughter permission as she hates tattoos and apparently I am irresponsible for both allowing my daughter to get a tattoo at her age and for not checking her daughter was allowed with her first.

I explained to her that IMO my daughter doesn't need permission as she is 19 and therefore and adult, free to make her own decisions. I believe the same applies to her daughter as she is 18 and legally does not need parental permission.

I have known in the past her mum is very strict with her but it never even crossed my mind to check whether she knew or not. I don't see why I need to. I don't really agree with the way she parents so we have little to do with each other but have always been friendly when we do see each other.

I had nothing to do with it other than drive them there but it is my fault for 'encouraging their behavior'. She has now demanded in future I am too check decisions regarding her daughter with her I refused to do this as I told her I would not be treating her daughter like a child and the conversation ended with lots of shouting from her and then she hung up.

I really don't see the problem, they are both adults???? So AIBU or is this women really controlling???

OP posts:

bigbluestars · 20/12/2014 09:31

"Except it is in no way the same it is?"

Of course there is a comparison to be drawn.

Both are legal.
Both my DD would have a perfect right to do.
Neither are in my DDs best interests

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 09:31

Would you insist on public transport if offered a lift?!

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 09:32

Neither are in their best interests according to their mother.

EduCated · 20/12/2014 09:33

The analogies on this thread are getting more and more ludicrous

HouseBaelish · 20/12/2014 09:33

house- no need to feel sorry for my children- they have good healthy self esteem and are independent thinkers

So if they independently thought they'd like a tattoo, thought about it, got it then you'd still be unhappy though....?

GraysAnalogy · 20/12/2014 09:35

Some people on here really do shock me.

At 18 I was living in my own house which I paid for by working 60 hour weeks. I had 2 tattoos, multiple piercings and my mother would have had to whistle in the wind if she thought she has anything to do with them.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/12/2014 09:41

mehtabel- so if these girls are so adult why didb't they make their own way to the tattoo parlour?

I gave a 55yo neighbour a lift to town yesterday-shall I go knock on her door and tell her she's not an adult

Iggi999 · 20/12/2014 09:42

At 18 I was still at school and reliant on pocket money. There are many different ways of "being" 18!

GraysAnalogy · 20/12/2014 09:46

But im sure you would have been capable, at aged 18, to do what I did. Just because you chose to stay at home at live off pocket money doesn't make you any less responsible for yourself or any less able to make independent decision.

Iggi999 · 20/12/2014 09:51

Well yes, though some of the mistakes I made at 19 (when I did move out) might suggest otherwise!
Though I could have done the same in theory as a 16 year old who lives alone - having the potential isn't the same as having the experience.
OP was nbu but she was being a but daft not to anticipate problems.

GraysAnalogy · 20/12/2014 09:58

OP should not have to anticipate problems with an adult making a decision that affects only themselves.

She gave them a lift, she didn't frog march them in.

I suppose if they'd have got public transport and been involved in an accident the mother would have rang OP and demanded why she hadn't given them a lift - seeing as these 18 year olds obviously need babying.

HouseBaelish · 20/12/2014 10:00

The more I think about it, the more I come to the conclusion that for a lot of parents "independent thought" actually means "independent thought as long as it matches what I deem appropriate"

GraysAnalogy · 20/12/2014 10:02

Agree House. And anything they don't agree with isn't responsible enough for them.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 10:03

I have 3 adult DCs - they know how DH and I feel about tattoos (hate them) -but we have to accept that as adults it really doesn't matter what we think. Luckily, for us, they have not got them.
At 18yrs it is all a bit late- if they don't agree they don't agree.
I also think that views on judgements are outdated when people in top jobs now have them and the Prime Ministers wife. Most are very discrete- probably the DD's mother wouldn't have know- or at least not until the summer.

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 10:05

I have always come to the conclusion on MN that people are very proud of their 'free thinking' DCs just as long as they think what mother thinks!

DustInTheWind · 20/12/2014 10:06

'I wouldm't want my DD joining a religious cult in the same way that I wouldn't want her body vandalised by a tattoo artist.

She may be willing to do both and both are legal, she may be happy at the outcome in both scenarious- doesn't mean I have to approve or think either are in her own long term interests.'

Then your argument and attempt to control and adult are between you and your child, not another, unrelated adult. Which is the point of the thread.
Squabble all you like with your own family over lifestyle choices, but how is this the OP's fault or responsibility in any way?

GraysAnalogy · 20/12/2014 10:06

I love my tattoos. One of them in particular is a work of art, done by the fella from London Ink. It means an awful lot to me because it has all different things incorporated in it, a different thing for a different family member or friend. When I'm 80 I'll look back on it fondly - not cry about how it's wrinkly.

DustInTheWind · 20/12/2014 10:08

' The more I think about it, the more I come to the conclusion that for a lot of parents "independent thought" actually means "independent thought as long as it matches what I deem appropriate"'

Name a century, decade, year, month or week when that hasn't been the case for a large portion of the parent population.

timetoplay · 20/12/2014 10:08

I do wonder if the dd hasn't turned this around to be the op and ops dd fault, making out she was influenced maybe? Sometimes that'd the reaction when they realise the shit they are in, however much they shouldn't be. It would explain why the other mum was so angry. Is that a possibility op?

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 10:13

Sadly true, DustintheWind.
I have never understood the need for everyone in a family to think the same.

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 20/12/2014 10:16

Ta the responsibility of the DD to talk to her mother

DustInTheWind · 20/12/2014 10:21

Hedgehogs, why should she talk to her mother if she's made a decision as an adult that has no impact on her mother?
If the DD had decided to do something that impacted on her family whilst she was living at home, fair enough. If she moved in her boyfriend, Irish wolfhound or decided to run a Meth lab in her bedroom, then that's a discussion that needs to be had.
But a tattoo?
How does that affect anyone else but her?

DustInTheWind · 20/12/2014 10:22

No wonder so many students don't bother going home once they've left for uni.
The freedom for so many must be intoxicating.

tiggytape · 20/12/2014 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wtffgs · 20/12/2014 10:27

YANBU with baubles on (and I say that as a loather of tattoos)

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