That my heart is singing tonight as I have taken DD out of nursery

[CountryMummy1]

That's it! No more miserable mornings, sleepless nights, screaming and crying at drop off, hours of guilty angst.

After a near meltdown yesterday (I posted here) I decided that something had to give and it was Nursery. DD is almost 3 and she hasn't settled in 2 months. She goes 2 mornings a week and it has really affected her. She has been more withdrawn, quick to tears and is so clingy with me she won't even go to her Dad. I've tried everything - talking a lot about nursery, not talking about it, books, bribery, star charts etc. and nothing works. It was a very carefully chosen nursery (we looked at 10) with low child/staff ratio, low staff turnover, child centred etc. She isn't putting it on - she is genuinely devastated when I leave her. I can feel her little heart beating so fast. She tries to be brave but she just can't stop the tears. She spends the whole morning sitting on the lap of her key worker and, although she does join in a bit, she isn't exactly learning much. She rarely speaks (she has speech delay) although her speech has come on so much in the last 6 months at home.

I phoned DD's speech therapist and burst into tears as I'm worried that taking her out of nursery will delay her speech even further. I have seen doctors about her speech (she has a lip tie) and have been told some pretty awful things e.g. "just get her into nursery, she'll have to speak then!" The speech therapist was wonderful. She said that DD was getting excellent speech models at home and from her extended family, and the groups that we attend would also support this. She said that if we weren't happy then that would do DD no favours.

I should know all this. I have a PhD in Early Year Education. I know I can support DD's development well at home. We have a stable home life, close extended family who she sees daily, enough money to do a few different activities, a playroom where we do art/craft activities daily, I am a stay at home mum etc......... AND YET.... I have been brainwashed by the current 'Nursery is best' culture. Everyone of my friend's children are in nursery and I can't help but feel uneasy that my DD isn't. The women who run the SureStart nursery are constantly giving me leaflets and asking if I need help finding a nursery. Everyone asks when she's starting and my MIL is horrified that I have taken her out.

My family supports me as they have seen the change in her, particularly my mum who sees her daily. I thought we might just tick along for the next 6 months and revaluate then.

Please tell me I'm not making a HUGE mistake!! and that she won't always hate school.

I am a nursery manager with 30 years experience. You are doing the right thing. Unhappy children cannot learn, she is not immature she is 2!! Dont think ahead about school. it will all fall into place once she feels more secure.

I had a child who was unimpressed with his noisy nursery afternoons of mayhem, but went into school and has loved it from day one.

The council nursery staff saw a completely different child to the one I knew and flagged up that he had problems socialising; looking back it was not a great setting for him. It's not always the child! If he had shown any distress I'd have pulled him, as it was he was just unenthusiastic.

almost three. I'm horrified at your genuine angst over this to be honest.

I see no reason for a child with the support structure you describe to be in nursery until the year before they start reception. And even then part time is fine.

You've got lots of time to prepare her for school. Though I would say that few children would have settled properly into nursery only going two mornings a week - it's not really long / frequent enough for them to get into it

aero what about church halls> all ours tend to be in them and all have toys used by each play group...people do drift off. it doesnt need to be busy busy....and they charged a small fee to cover tea and snacks...anyway thats what mums do round here...

I think children are all so different it is barely worth comparing what one family does for one child with what you might do for yours.

I have two children and the nursery/preschool question has been different for them both. My eldest trotted off without a backward glance at 2 and 7 mths.

My youngest is three and a bit now and still is anxious about separating though he doesnt howl and seems to enjoy himself once he is there. However he always says he doesn't want to go!

He is also much more sensitive to his environment and I think he needs a smaller quieter setting with more gentle teachers than the preschool where my eldest went. So we have taken him out of there and he is starting a new place in January.

You know best for your own child OP. She will get to a point where she is happy to separate, just give it time! Its a bit like walking. Some walk at 9 mths, some at 22 mths. They all end up walking though!

Its also not true that you have to "just leave them" and they get over it. It depends on the child and the level of distress. Generally my son is OK to be left, if given a lot of reassurance and bribery that I will take him to the shop afterwards. But on a few occasions he has been beside himself. Others have tried to get me to leave him there but I know him - if he is that upset, he is really feeling anxious and he isn't going to calm down anytime soon!

Its tempting to think that if you "give in" then they will never get used to it but I don't think it works that way, in fact my son seems to be better able to go to preschool following one of his "no way days", maybe because he feels he has had some control over it?

Its hard with your eldest as you don't have the experience to be confident that it is just a question of maturity and it just takes time. But she won't be crying for you forever, in fact soon enough she will have a whole life of her own at school and won't be that interested in you!

Good luck. Sounds like you've made the right call.

My mum works in a school where one of the children didn't go to nursery... The child screams 'mummmmmmyyyyyyy' all.day.long. It's horrendous for him and the staff. You are doing yourself, and more importantly her, no favours by letting her be so reliant on you

First, if the poor child is screaming all day long, I'm surprised the staff haven't taken some action - school isn't prison and no child should be left to be so unhappy. Presumably they think that if he'd been left to scream in nursery, he'd have been over it by now?

Second, it's a sad day if a two year old can't be reliant on her primary carer. Why should she have to be weaned off her mother's care now? In what way is OP "doing her no favours"?

My children are in their 20s/30s/40s now and there were no nurseries around when they were small - in rural Scotland. I knew of some in large cities but they were used mainly by parents who worked full-time. Our children weren't isolated or under-stimulated - by the time they went to school at 5, they were fine about spending a few hours away from home and they are now confident, happy, sociable adults.

The OP's child is 2. If the parents wish, she can stay at home until she's 5, as generations of children have done without harm to their socialisation or education.

Funnysosity this is what I am having with ds who is almost 3. At pre school it's, he can't sit still for 1 min, doesent give much eye contact, doesn't want staff to help him, he does not do this at home. Nursery isent always the optimal environment, it's one big room with lots of activities of course he doesn't want to sit still he want to be busy.

That is a good idea, we have a church near us.

Well we have had a lovely morning and DD has been very happy. She screamed the place down when DH tried to get her up this morning as she only wanted mummy. Not sure how to go about healing the insecurity apart from just being with her. However, she has stayed with nanny and grandad happily this afternoon and I left her making some cakes.

I really dislike how we have turned raising children into something that requires professional input.

Yes children do benefit from effort and attention but I think we need to trust our own abilities more.

I've seen children who have been in a nursery and preschool setting consistently struggle when starting school and I've seen children who have stayed at home up until school sail through reception.

And I've seen the opposite of both of these scenarios.

None of us is a perfect parent but I do think we are invariably the person who knows our child best.

My mum works in a school where one of the children didn't go to nursery... The child screams 'mummmmmmyyyyyyy' all.day.long. It's horrendous for him and the staff. You are doing yourself, and more importantly her, no favours by letting her be so reliant on you.

You clearly know very little knowledge about child development and your mother should not be discussing the children in the school where she works

I really dislike how we have turned raising children into something that requires professional input

yes!

She'll get less clingy when she gets used to the fact that she is not going to nursery.

I would not give it another thought - enjoy your time with her op.

(my ds loves nursery but if he didn't then I would want to take him out)

You are doing yourself, and more importantly her, no favours by letting her be so reliant on you.

Such a chilling comment about a two year old.

It reminds me of sort of Gulag esq Communism all working for the state, at whatever cost...sort of ideology, dont let children bond with parents, get them out into institutions, and so on.

I agree Elf! Ffs. It's not a race to the grave. Relying on the people who love you is such a fundamental part of being a human being. Get that baby out in the fields! She could be contributing to society, don't you know.

My mum works in a school where one of the children didn't go to nursery... The child screams 'mummmmmmyyyyyyy' all.day.long. It's horrendous for him and the staff. You are doing yourself, and more importantly her, no favours by letting her be so reliant on you

There will be a whole lot more back story to that poor child's situation your mum may not be aware of due to confidentiality, be it particular needs not being met for either the child or mother or both, or something that's happening at home. It will not (I promise after several decades in early years schools and nurseries) be solely down to the child not having been to nursery. Thousands of children enter reception every year having not been to nursery and are fine, and most children have at least one wobble in their first year or so at school about separation, even if they're usually fine and even if they've had years of experience of nursery.

Different children have different emotional needs and different kinds of relationships. Even siblings in the same family have very different needs and relationships with the same parents! Internal emotional security has to start with a secure, stable, happy bond with parents. Are you seriously advocating the OP should let her not yet 3 year old cry and panic and ignore all her signs of distress until the child learns not to communicate distress because no one cares?

You might end up with a compliant child that way, but not a secure one.

I had to take my DD out of nursery as she hated it so much, she would scream and cry every morning and just wouldn't settle at all. She started school at 5 (we're in Scotland) and settled in straight away, and is now a super confident 8 year old.Taking her out out did no harm at all, in fact it probably helped her in the long run,. They are so wee, they have got the rest of their lives to do the whole school thing.Trust your instincts .

Not sure how to go about healing the insecurity apart from just being with her

I'm sure you have done absolutely the right thing for your dd. She has the best part of two years before she starts school and it is clear that she was just not ready for nursery.

However, I wouldn't go on to make any sort of drama out of a crisis. Don't start worrying about "healing insecurities" but instead, carry on providing a calm and loving environment while enjoying your time with her.

My mum works in a school where one of the children didn't go to nursery... The child screams 'mummmmmmyyyyyyy' all.day.long. It's horrendous for him and the staff. You are doing yourself, and more importantly her, no favours by letting her be so reliant on you

Don't be so ridiculous, she's 2 years old, still a baby in my eyes, if she cant be reliant on her mother then who is she supposed to rely on????

OP you did the right thing. I took my dd out of nursery. She started at the age of 3 in the January and was due to start reception in September. I thought she would benefit massively from interacting with other children before moving up. She did to start with, settled really well made lots of friends and seem really happy.

By the end of April middle of May, (was 4yo by this time) she wasn't so keen. She started refusing to go, she was tired, complained of a sore tummy and headache. We had tears beforehand. She became clingy and would spend some of the sessions in silence and wouldn't interact with anyone. She then started to constantly ask her keyworker if Mummy was coming back along with tears then when I picked her up she would say I thought you weren't coming mummy and would cling on to me for dear life!
Any mention of nursery caused her to go quiet and withdrawn....this was so far removed from the happy go lucky, chatty, confident little girl that she had been previously.

I took her out and the change in her was almost immediate. I remember the day she said to me I'm so happy that its just me and you now mummy. I knew I did the right thing.

I prepared myself for the fact she may take a while to settle in Reception so was prepared to go part time or pull her until the age of 5. I needn't have worried she took to school like a duck to water.

I just feel guilty that I sent her to nursery in the first place as clearly she wasn't ready.

It's so reassuring reading all your comments, I will put this thread in save. I was in tears because ds on Monday was crying in nursery and did not enjoy the nativity play they were practising for. The build up to Christmas and practising the play has gone on for a few weeks now and he has been really unsettled at pre school because if this and did not want to participate in any of it. I was brought in for a 'talk' about it by the nursery manager and his they are concerned about ds as he is not his happy usual self and was getting distraught. I was in tears after thinking what's wrong with my 2 year old, why can't he like the play like tge other children, why can't I gave an NT child. Not again etc

Reading has made me realise there is nothing wrong with ds, he is still a baby, a toddler who cannot communicate verbally so cannot tell them that he does not like it, and it makes him sad. Funny how when I took him in on Tuesday he was fine, participated in activities and even made me a decoration, was the day the play was not practised.

MrsD seems to be now as more women are working, the traditional roles are becoming a thing of the past where the woman would be a stay at home mum whilst dad goes out to work. Yes there are more single parent families, where the parent needs to work.