That my heart is singing tonight as I have taken DD out of nursery

[CountryMummy1]

That's it! No more miserable mornings, sleepless nights, screaming and crying at drop off, hours of guilty angst.

After a near meltdown yesterday (I posted here) I decided that something had to give and it was Nursery. DD is almost 3 and she hasn't settled in 2 months. She goes 2 mornings a week and it has really affected her. She has been more withdrawn, quick to tears and is so clingy with me she won't even go to her Dad. I've tried everything - talking a lot about nursery, not talking about it, books, bribery, star charts etc. and nothing works. It was a very carefully chosen nursery (we looked at 10) with low child/staff ratio, low staff turnover, child centred etc. She isn't putting it on - she is genuinely devastated when I leave her. I can feel her little heart beating so fast. She tries to be brave but she just can't stop the tears. She spends the whole morning sitting on the lap of her key worker and, although she does join in a bit, she isn't exactly learning much. She rarely speaks (she has speech delay) although her speech has come on so much in the last 6 months at home.

I phoned DD's speech therapist and burst into tears as I'm worried that taking her out of nursery will delay her speech even further. I have seen doctors about her speech (she has a lip tie) and have been told some pretty awful things e.g. "just get her into nursery, she'll have to speak then!" The speech therapist was wonderful. She said that DD was getting excellent speech models at home and from her extended family, and the groups that we attend would also support this. She said that if we weren't happy then that would do DD no favours.

I should know all this. I have a PhD in Early Year Education. I know I can support DD's development well at home. We have a stable home life, close extended family who she sees daily, enough money to do a few different activities, a playroom where we do art/craft activities daily, I am a stay at home mum etc......... AND YET.... I have been brainwashed by the current 'Nursery is best' culture. Everyone of my friend's children are in nursery and I can't help but feel uneasy that my DD isn't. The women who run the SureStart nursery are constantly giving me leaflets and asking if I need help finding a nursery. Everyone asks when she's starting and my MIL is horrified that I have taken her out.

My family supports me as they have seen the change in her, particularly my mum who sees her daily. I thought we might just tick along for the next 6 months and revaluate then.

Please tell me I'm not making a HUGE mistake!! and that she won't always hate school.

M**y mum works in a school where one of the children didn't go to nursery... The child screams 'mummmmmmyyyyyyy' all.day.long. It's horrendous for him and the staff. You are doing yourself, and more importantly her, no favours by letting her be so reliant on you.

This is the sort of thing I get told often which makes me have doubts about taking her out. But then I think she's 2... Surely she should be reliant on me

Mine goes to nursery 3 days a week because I work, not for the sake of it. If I was home then he'd be home with me.

Exactly country she is only a baby. We expect too much if extremly Young and immature children. As soon as they are born tgey are under scrutiny, tick boxes, assessments, examinations. The I year check, the 2 year check. For goodness sake leave them alone. Yes they are little they should be relying on you, we not talking about a 13 year old are we!

Nslw you cannot base your assumptions on one child!

nslw Then again perhaps the child who screams 'mummmmmmyyyyyyy' all day long has been spared a previous 12 months of distress by not being sent to nursery. Maybe this particular child would benefit by not starting school until older.

A couple of things- some children don't adjust to school well anyway even if they have been to nursery. Both mine have had a couple of children cry/cling/have issues going in- this is normal in 5 year olds let alone 2 year olds.

Neither of mine went to nursery til they were 3 at all, my eldest had no childcare at all as she used to scream if I left the room (really strong separation anxiety)- we tried creches, leaving with family, all to no avail. When she was a year before school (so between 3/4) we told her she was going to be a big girl now, bought the preschool uniform and she went in no problems at all.

I firmly believe secure well-attached children will do fine at school, whatever age they start.

As for those saying children don't go to school til 7 in many countries, yes they don't start formal learning til 7 but in most they do have daycare/childcare/nurseries from about 3 onwards, so it is not true they are home with their parents til aged 7!

Op- you do what is right for your dd, you do not need to train 2 year olds for school at that age, it will all happen just fine later on- and if it doesn't, you will deal with it then. I can't see the point of nursery - and the evidence shows that for children in poorer/less enriched environments, nursery is amazing but the pay-offs for children already in good enough environments is much less clear.

I'm totally with you on the culture you mention.
I'm avoiding it too OP - and my eldest is not yet 3.

Back in the day they were no such things as nurseries or pre schools, children still started school mainly fine.

I actually think 2-3 is the worst time to start. You either have to send them for a lot of hours (at least 3 days a week) from the age of 12 months, or wait until beyond 3.

DS (2.9) has been in nursery since 12 months as I have to work, some of these comments appear a bit strange to me, but equally there's a world of difference between a child that doesn't know much different to a loving attached nursery environment for 4 days a week, and a 2.9 year old who is going to go a couple of sessions a week when they're used to being with a parent FT. Currently, if DS wasn't used to being apart, I think he'd find the situation very difficult to separate.

Sorry - she started going to ballet lessons at 6 months old? What??

MrsD I wasent aware of nurseries 30-40 years ago, Mabey there were as you went to one, but there weren't as many as there are now.

I took my ds (nearly 4 and now in Nursery full time) to a mother and toddler group for about 6 months when he was 2. He never really settled at it, didn't really want to be there. Plus we were late joiners, so all the other kids knew each other and he was always "the new kid". The group got quite bitchy so we stopped going. I then got a lot of pressure from family to put him in playgroup. Tried to reason that all other kids in family that went, went because of childcare issues, which I don't have. After mums and tots (once a week) I didn't think he was ready and he would be the new kid again, so I ignored them. (He wasn't potty trained when it started, so he couldn't go then).

Come this September, he started "proper" nursery, and has loved it from day one! They were all in the same boat (all new kids) and he was definately more ready. We spent the whole summer building it up, showing him where it was, telling him how fun it would be etc.

Don't feel guilty, or let others try to tell you what your child needs. After all, mother knows best

Forgot to say, I live in Northern Ireland, playgroup can be like a nursery, kids wear uniforms and stay on there own (without parents).

When I said proper nursery, I meant most kids here will go to a nursery, usually connected to a school, for the year before primary one (age 3-4). I would say 99% of kids that age are in Nursery, regardless of having a sahm or not. It's a big deal here, I don't know if the rest of the UK have the same or an equivilent?

Nslw, plenty of children start reception without going to nursery and are absolutely fine. My friend's DD used to cry every morning at nursery, so she took out. When she started reception she didn't look back. She's an incredibly bright and confident child.

I felt the pressure to despite being a SAHM at the time - I had to younger ones and it was all well you can't give her the time.

The toddler groups available were attached to child centres which had groups from 2 and nurseries from 3 or a pre-school which had the same.

So there was a lot of pressure from organisers and other parents to use playgroups and nursery. Plus I found my DC started being the oldest by far in the toddler groups - which again as she'd be one of the youngest in school year was pointed out as a negative.

We chose the pre-school with high staff ratio and small groups. It wasn't as bad as you describe OP but she never settled. I'm not sure despite the high staff ratio she got a lot of interaction with he adults.

I think they put pressure on her about toilet training - which I think made it all more stressful and hard for her as well.

I didn't take her out and I do regret that looking back.

I think her reaction to nursery left us very worried about her starting school. She grew up a lot over the summer before starting school and when she started in a huge intake of 60 she took us back by absolutely thriving.

My second DC did better in the nursery attached to the school - but still think he'd have done the same at reception whether he'd gone or not. Youngest did need nursery at 3 - and really enjoyed it.

So worry less and enjoy the time more.

I think people who feel that children must be pushed out of the nest forcibly to gain independence simply don't understand attachment theory. A secure child will be more likely to step out on their own when they're ready, not less.

saturnvista Fri 19-Dec-14 10:04:18

Yes of course and even then each child is different.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 18-Dec-14 22:02:12

can you not start your own group round here its just mums who step up to run it and take keys from church hall, some are busy, relaxed, some more formal....its literally a case of getting the keys to the hall!

Similar age to Mrs D but in our area nursery wasn't available. I was the only one of the family who attended the new playgroup!

It never occurred to me to consider nursery as necessary for development.

My DD started nursery at 3.0 in Sept. It took until Feb for her to join in with the others. She was not visibly upset at nursery but very quiet. By the end of the year she was confident and joining in with others and could play well with lots of boys and girls but didn't really have a best friend or such. I'm glad we kept her at nursery. She started school at 4.0 as summerborn and I have to say that I am so glad we had the nursery experience prior to this.

I don't agree with lots of nursery generally, but I do think it gives those that have done it a leg-up in terms of getting used to and getting along with peers. I did a lot of activities with my DD age 2-3, but to be honest, seeing the same kids once a week is not enough to socialise them. She didn't really have any friends her own age. This in retrospect was not good. It's hard trying to socialise your children if there are not lots of other SAHMs around or if, as we did, not have a house big enough to invite others over comfortably.

WhatsGoingOnEh I think the dd has been going to ballet lessons for six months

Yes that is a good idea. It was a lively group but since the Surestart opened in my area, the numbers have declined and the lady was funding the hall from her own picket as there were not enough people. We offered to pay more but it wasent working . The slot that they had in the community hall has now been taken by the pre school that resides there.

I used to teach in a primary school, and my classroom was opposite the nursery setting. There was one child who had to be carried in every day, screaming and kicking. He would then sit on a chair and scream for at least an hour. It really upset the children in my class to see and hear this, and I cannot imagine what it was like for him. His mother persisted, as she was told to do, and after about half a term the screaming stopped and he simply came in crying. Half a term.

You have totally done the right thing for your child, OP.