That my heart is singing tonight as I have taken DD out of nursery

[CountryMummy1]

That's it! No more miserable mornings, sleepless nights, screaming and crying at drop off, hours of guilty angst.

After a near meltdown yesterday (I posted here) I decided that something had to give and it was Nursery. DD is almost 3 and she hasn't settled in 2 months. She goes 2 mornings a week and it has really affected her. She has been more withdrawn, quick to tears and is so clingy with me she won't even go to her Dad. I've tried everything - talking a lot about nursery, not talking about it, books, bribery, star charts etc. and nothing works. It was a very carefully chosen nursery (we looked at 10) with low child/staff ratio, low staff turnover, child centred etc. She isn't putting it on - she is genuinely devastated when I leave her. I can feel her little heart beating so fast. She tries to be brave but she just can't stop the tears. She spends the whole morning sitting on the lap of her key worker and, although she does join in a bit, she isn't exactly learning much. She rarely speaks (she has speech delay) although her speech has come on so much in the last 6 months at home.

I phoned DD's speech therapist and burst into tears as I'm worried that taking her out of nursery will delay her speech even further. I have seen doctors about her speech (she has a lip tie) and have been told some pretty awful things e.g. "just get her into nursery, she'll have to speak then!" The speech therapist was wonderful. She said that DD was getting excellent speech models at home and from her extended family, and the groups that we attend would also support this. She said that if we weren't happy then that would do DD no favours.

I should know all this. I have a PhD in Early Year Education. I know I can support DD's development well at home. We have a stable home life, close extended family who she sees daily, enough money to do a few different activities, a playroom where we do art/craft activities daily, I am a stay at home mum etc......... AND YET.... I have been brainwashed by the current 'Nursery is best' culture. Everyone of my friend's children are in nursery and I can't help but feel uneasy that my DD isn't. The women who run the SureStart nursery are constantly giving me leaflets and asking if I need help finding a nursery. Everyone asks when she's starting and my MIL is horrified that I have taken her out.

My family supports me as they have seen the change in her, particularly my mum who sees her daily. I thought we might just tick along for the next 6 months and revaluate then.

Please tell me I'm not making a HUGE mistake!! and that she won't always hate school.

I delayed dd starting nursery at 2.5 as she cried through all her settling sessions. She started at 3.5 instead (same nursery) and has loved it. No tears from day 1. DS went to the same nursery from age 2.3 and never had a problem, they are all ready at different times.

I'm not aware of a 'nursery is best' culture, but it sounds as if you've made a good decision for your dd.

If I wasn't working I would not have considered sending either of our dc to any form of childcare. As it was, I was working (part time) and they went to nursery 3 days a week from 14 months. We were lucky to have a very small nursery on our doorstep that they settled into well, but in your circumstances, I wouldn't hesitate to have my dc at home with me.

I would find some good books about starting school, and try to visit before she starts, but other than that not spend another minute questioning your decision.

I thank my lucky stars every time I come on MN that I started my family 20 years ago when there was a real choice about whether to be a SAHM or go back to work.

We were lucky that house prices were low enough that we could survive on one wage so I could stay with my children.

When they reached 3 felt it my duty to send them to nursery but neither of my DSs actually enjoyed it although they didn't kick up too much of a fuss at the time. Both told me later that they never enjoyed nursery.

When my daughter came along we had moved house and those wretched Sure Start centres and school nurseries were killing off all the long established toddler groups and playgroups run by parents. I was lucky enough to find one which was hanging on by the skin of its teeth. It was run by a group of women who had been doing it for 30 odd years and they were all lovely. They loved being with the children and there wasn't all that assessing against the early years goals that I found in other nurseries.

I'm sure you have done the right thing for your daughter. Enjoy your time with her - it passes far to fast.

I dont understand where you felt the pressure to put her in nursery even though you stay at home?

I think you did the right thing too, OP. My daughter is 3 and 4 months and I've planned a couple of nursery sessions for her starting in January. It's been a source of angst because she's clingy, shy and doesn't use her words easily.

I asked her today if she'd like to go to nursery and, after asking if I'd be going, became instantly distressed. She ended up sitting on my knee sobbing 'Mummy hold you,' which is, for her, a regression to the days when her Home Start volunteer insisted on carting her off to mother and tots without me. (The one she ran happened to be up a flight of stairs that I couldn't climb.)

When visiting perfectly nice nurseries, I've been concerned to see friends children (who apparently love nursery) staring into space looking so unhappy, with their names on the discipline board. Their faces change when their mummies arrive, not before. When I asked nursery staff about separation anxiety, the verdict seemed to be that it's justifiable because they'll have to go through it anyway for school. What rot. As others have said, 2.5/3 is a long way from 4, which in itself is a ridiculously young age to be forced into formal learning. There's no doubt that she'll learn more with me anyway.

So I've told DD I'll never make her go to 'school'. Of course I'll be watching carefully to see if she reaches a point where she'd like to try it and a tiny push would help. TBH I would be viewing this differently if she was able to keep up socially with her peers but she always seems very sad in the company of other children.

Don't panic OP, who gives a monkeys what everyone else is doing.

Lorn I know how you feel, our lical lovely toddler group tgat has been running for 25 years has just closed, a Surestart set up near a few years ago . It was a lovely relaxed group, with none of those tick boxing they all have to do now. My ds does not like the Surestart group so I won't take him, he much preferred the old toddler group.

ssd As another mother of a three year old I can completely understand the OP feeling pressure. People don't assume your child isn't doing nursery just because you're a SAHM. I've been asked about nursery 'for the socialisation' since my DD was one.

It strikes a chord, ds nearly 3 though not distressed at preschool and seems happy is not his bubbly self like he is at home. He can do far more at home developmentally than at nursery, he just goes into himself at pre school. At preschool they say he cannot sit stil for 1 min which is what tgey should do for tgeur age, at home he sits with me for around 10 mins, reading with me and doing educational apps on tge I pad, he will often select a book and thumb through it for 5 mins at home. They comment on his fleeting eye contact at nursery, at home he loves peepo and gives very good eye contact.

but surely with going to toddler groups and activities your toddler is doing enough socialising without going near a nursery?

who asks, saturnvista?

Everyone, ssd. Friends, neighbours, other mothers, the health visitor. Sending your child to nursery to get them ready for school is the done thing around here. Otherwise they'll get a nasty shock when starting school and will have poor social skills. I've heard this many times.

ssd I think the op felt also that it would help with the speech delay as this had bern suggested to her by the gp.

I seriously don't understand why so many people think 2 to 4 year olds need to be in nursery. I've seen the studies that say that children from disadvantaged backgrounds do better if they have access to high quality childcare but that doesn't describe all or even the majority of children. Yes, a few months in a pre-school with its kinder adult to child ratios can be helpful for learning the routines of being cared for in a group in preparation for school but 2 and 3 YOs don't need it. We seem to be in an awful hurry to push our children to grow up in this country.

At home and out and about with an engaged and affectionate parent meets all their needs. They don't need to learn to interact socially with a room full of three year olds who are all together every day. They need to learn to interact socially with the wide and varied selection of people they meet at ballet classes, the post office, neighbours' houses, visiting family, the children at the park and all the other people they meet. It's not as if children who don't go to nursery usually spend their days in splendid isolation.

OP, you know deep down what your DD needs and that you can give it to her in spades. Stop worrying about how you justify your actions to other people. If they have hang ups about children needing nursery, it's possibly because they feel the need to justify sending their own children to one. Let them make cat's bum faces to each other while you carry on doing what you know is best for your DD.

its a shame mothers are being questioned for following their instinct then

mine went to nursery at 3 but only for 5 half days, sessions lasted 2 and a half hours and I felt that was enough for them

ds1 hated leaving me and ds2 wasn't much better, but they eventually settled down, I tried leaving them at playgroup a few times but they wouldn't settle and I gave up as it wasn't helping them, or me

its a hard call, parenting, but the one thing I always advise is go with your gut feeling and do what suits you and your own family.

This is exactly why my daughter home educates. Her children are happy, healthy and well balanced.

If they do want to go to school I'm sure it won't be a problem.

You do not have to send your children to school.

I dont agree with homeschooling, I think children learn far more through their years at school than reading and writing

once children are old enough for school, they will be ready to go, even if it takes a bit of time to settle in

YADDNBU

Good for you for doing what seems exactly the right thing for you and your DD. Enjoy your extra time at home with her. And what goldmandra said. All the best.

ssd can I ask have you ever meet children that are home schooled? You be very surprised at a very social life they lead. School isn't for everyone, especially if your child has been bullied to the point life ain't worth living. School isn't always the best environment.

I think children learn far more through their years at school than reading and writing

I'd love to hear what these crucial skills are that you can learn at school and nowhere else.

For what it's worth, I think you've done the right thing. You'll be aware of all the evidence for a later school starting age - and education isn't compulsory until the term after their fifth birthday, that's over two years away for your dd.

I took one of mine out of reception and home educated him until he was almost 7. The difference was incredible - he hadn't been ready for school, then when he was ready, he thrived. I sent his younger sister part time until the term after her fifth birthday. My opinion is that forcing them before they are ready will not improve their confidence or make them more social - they will be confident knowing you are there when they need you and will separate on their terms when they are ready - forcing them can only make them more anxious. Just enjoy the time with your little girl.

She isn't ready for nursery yet. Most 2 year olds aren't. Give it another go in a year's time and she'll probably love it.

OP, having read only the opening post, I can say with confidence that you are an excellent mum and have done the best thing for your daughter.

Do whats right for you. However I would address your own anxiety - if I remember from your last post you had great anxiety about leaving your children (sorry if that's wrong). Small children pick up on this

I know going to nursery from age 2/3 can be excellent for lots of students but not for all. There is research (pennebaker 1981?) that suggested for shy children it isn't the best thing and staying at home with mum is preferable (although in this area you can find research to suit almost any viewpoint) . Sounds like you're providing lots of other opportunities to learn how to socialise with her peers so trust your instincts and enjoy these years.

you had great anxiety about leaving your children (sorry if that's wrong). Small children pick up on this

It is very easy to see the anxiety in the parent and conclude that it is the cause of anxiety displayed by the child.

I firmly believe that parents who are concerned that their child will struggle in an early years setting or in school, feel like this as a result of their deep knowledge of their child.

I prefer to assume that the majority of parents will do everything in their power to ensure that their child feels positive and relaxed when starting a new setting and only express well founded fears to the adults who will be caring for them.