Dear Jenny, I am so sorry.
In reading your posts, I am reminded of someone I used to know; indeed someone I still know, because of course, although he is no longer with us all, our loss did not eradicate our memories of him alive. If you see what I mean. I still know him.
I do remember, not long after he was told of just how quickly terminal his cancer would be, him talking so much of what he would miss ... his children growing up, their milestones, he was so worried about leaving them, about his wife, of how she would cope alone, and conversely, that she might not cope alone for long, that she may remarry, and there lay more of his own loss! He spoke of the loss, the fears and the sadness, and it clearly hounded him, for a period, although he was also clearly trying to do as much as he could for his wife and children.
Anyway ... the point of me telling you of this ... a few weeks further down the line, he spoke to me of that period. He said it was during that "frantic with fear and loss" time that he found he had done a lot of his own (very significant) grieving and that, if he hadn't done that, he could not have faced his fears, supported his family in their grieving, nor enjoyed his wife and children for whatever time they all had together.
I don't know if what he said to me means anything to you. Some of your words reminded me of his.
Another couple of things I remember him doing ... may not be helpful, but I will mention them as I remember them just now.
He extracted promises from friends and family ... just little things, but very important promises all the same. Small significant little tasks or reminders, some relating to his wife and children, some relating to others, some related to things he would like to happen or to be remembered. None huge, none very taxing and, as far as I'm aware, most of these small promises have been kept.
The other thing I remember is in those last few months, he created a lot of the milestones. Yes he did letters, a diary and videos, but it seemed that (when he felt well enough) he must have sprinkled more than a little poetic licence on the family milestones. There were quite a few 'firsts' ... days out creating memories, I suppose ... and I'm sure their family all had at least one birthday each in that short period, while he and his wife seemed to have at least three anniversaries!
This was quite a few years ago and I know his wife, family and friends have used the memories of those last couple of months to preserve things for his children.
Thinking of you Jenny, and I hope you can keep posting.