To want to run away

[LostJennyWren]

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

[flower]

some great suggestions. Why not instead of writing, record messages for your dd. Advice, tell her how much you love her, record messages for different points of her life. Yes create a memory box of things. My dad died of cancer when I was a child, I woukd have loved recordings of him to me.

Merry Christmas. Thinking of you x

Oh God Jenny Wren. I am so sorry, for you and your family. You are grieving, and no wonder. Do what you need to do, and treasure this time. Lots of love.

Thinking of you,hope you are having a good day

Sorry I haven't had the chance to read the full thread but I just wanted to send you a message of support. You're not being unreasonable at all, do it when you feel stronger. No point spending what should be a lovely day, crying.

I lost my sister to cancer 7.5 years ago. She left two DD's aged 3 and 4. It was really traumatic, their dad was very strong and both DD's saw a bereavement counsellor before she died which gave really helpful tips on managing their loss.

I am sitting with my nieces now, their mum is ALWAYS discussed, at the top of their minds and they have so much love for her. Your DD may (or may not) call someone else mum but someone else will never be your DD's mum. That will always be you.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Hope you have managed a good day.

The girls love videos, memory boxes, charm bracelets, any clothing, bags, jewellery etc. Anything you do will be perfect in fact.

Bit late but merry Christmas Jenny.

Thank you for the support. I have had another bad day today. Over Christmas I think I was is denial. I pretended it wasn't really happening or I would be miraculously cured. I was distracted I guess. Now it's all over and all I have left is the knowledge next Christmas I won't be there. How can I possibly stay positive or happy or enjoy life when I'm without hope.I am so afraid. I want something to take the pain away. Not the physical pain but the mental anguish is killing me. In a way I will be relieved when my time comes because waking up and facing this every morning has killed my soul anyway. I'm hiding from my family again. Having a long bath. They think I'm relaxing. I'm actually just hiding my tears.
This came without warning that's what's so hArd about it. I was honestly fine. I was losing weigh t quickly but my weight has always yoyoed so I wasn't too worried. I was tired all of the time and I just thought that was running around after an active two year old whilst balancing two part-time jobs. Then I noticed a hard lump on my neck. Then my nightmare started. Only a few months ago. I never had a chance to fight the cancer. The battle was already lost. Out of my hands. Out of everybody's hands. I'm being snatched away from my baby and there is nothing I can do. My parents and husband are in bits. Selfishly and full of self pity I wonder why they are so upset. They get to live. I'm sure when I'm gone it will be hard for a while. But my husband will meet someone else and with them have the life I should have had. My parents will be heart broken of cause but they have 3 other children and together they will help each other move forward as a family. Everything will be the same just without me. That's really awful isn't it? I don't want my family to suffer. I want my husband to find love again. It's just not fair!

I expect it is totally normal to be thinking what you are. I reckon I would be thinking the same things as you. I do think you need to speak to a professional like the Macmillan nurses. They are trained and have seen it all. I know it won't cure you but to understand that all your thoughts and feelings are normal may ease a part of the stress.

I hope that makes sense and I don't mean to make it seem as something that is a bit of a stress. Not always good at picking the right words

It's just not fair!

This is the ultimate in not fair and you have every right to feel full of self pity but please don't persuade yourself that you will be gone and everyone will move on.

You will always be a massive part of their lives and they will never stop missing you. When you lose someone close to you, you might still have happy times but you don't stop being aware that there's a person missing.

I'm glad you managed to allow Christmas to distract you and you have made some good memories with your nearest and dearest.

Don't feel bad about hiding your tears. You have to allow yourself some time to grieve for the life you thought you had ahead of you.

Have you started filling in the book for your DD yet?

Jenny I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in, it must be absolutely awful and so exhausting trying to appear strong for other people. I agree that speaking to Macmillian would be enormously helpful in your position.

Sending much strength and hugs to you.
xx

Jenny it absolutely isn't fair! Please don't beat yourself up for feeling so down.

Big hugs and

It really isn't fair :( we've just celebrated what will more than likely be ex-P's last Christmas. We have 2 small children. Like you, I feel like I've been in denial over Xmas and just buried my head in the sand. Everyone seemed to pull together to give the kids a magical Christmas!

I've just had a look at those dear mum books and will more than likely be getting at least one dear dad one. Thank you to whoever suggested them!

A few practical/hopefully helpful things that may not have come up yet... have you had any contact with macmillan or your local hospice? Macmillan can help with financial things, general support etc. I've not had much to do with them yet as we're waiting on an appt. The hospice seems absolutely petrifying and very final, but I went to our local one last week and it was actually a nice place to be, very calm, staff were amazing. XP said it was more help there than any specialist/doctor he's seen so far. His GP referred him for management if symptoms and they were absolutely fantastic!

Little other things too like you can get certain benefits/blue badge and can get reductions in utility bills. Our local council has a welfare rights officer that can help with all of that.

I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you, cancer really is a bastard. I'll be thinking of you all xx

I am talking to Macmillan. Wonderful, wonderful people. It still hurts though, so much. How can I make peace with leaving my baby? As I said my soul feels dead already.
I just wish I could believe in miracles. My husband does and he is coping so much better than me.
WhatToDoPCI'm sorry to hear about your xp. My heart breaks for everyone and every family going through this hellish rollercoaster. I hope you all get to share many more magical memories.
I have started filling in the Dear Mum journal. It's fantastic. On my good days it helps knowing I am leaving a piece of me with my son. I have also written a letter to my dh, my parents and am struggling to find the words for my son's letter. Over the next week I plan to gather photographs and childhood books. It's funny isn't it, how we measure time? A few months ago I planned for things years in advance. I knew the names we were going to give all our future children. I knew where we would live. I had it all sorted in my head. Now it feels daring to plan a week ahead. It feels like my future has been stolen from me.

Aw Jenny.

So sad. You've had some lovely suggestions here.

I hope you can take some comfort from them. Lost two people to cancer over Xmas. Horrible illness.

Happy New Year Jenny, I hope you had a lovely evening

I am so sorry I put DD in my previous post. I don't know why I did that as I had read your thread and knew you had changed it.

I'm glad the journal is helping you. Could a short note in the front of it be your letter to your DS?

The journal won't be the only piece of you that you are leaving with him. Your interactions with him, the love and care you've given him have moulded his brain and given him the gift of who he is just as much as his genes. What he is throughout his life, the love he has for his future family will all be built on the foundations you have set down in him. You will always be a huge part of him and nothing can ever take that away.

I hope you get some good days now in which you can write some more in the journal and collect the books and other mementos that are most important to you.

Thinking about you

Thinking of you.

Jenny, you are amazing, my heart goes out to you.

Would it be worth starting a collection for your son, perhaps die-cast cars or trains? So you buy the ones for the next few birthdays and he can add to it as he is older. He can play with them whilst he is younger and have them on display when he is older. They will remind him of you.
As for books, choose what you like. He will appreciate the link to you. all My ds loved all the young james bond and sherlock holmes stories, as well as Harry Potter.

Be kind to yourself xx

Before my friend's Mum died, she asked three close friends to keep an eye on her children. She chose one friend for each child and spoke at length with each friend about her hopes and dreams for the children, how she wanted to be remembered etc.

Jenny, your story is heartbreaking and I wish there was something I could do. There are lots of good ideas on here and I hope you are able to find the strength to manage a couple.

I recently lost my dad - though I am an adult so completely different - but the thing I miss the most is his voice. I have some old reel-to-reel of him teaching me to talk when I was one and a couple of ropey old family videos where he says the odd word but what I wouldn't give for a clear recording of his voice talking to me. That and his smell. He was a cabinet maker/antique restorer and when I am feeling brave I smell a bit of old fabric that I dipped in a combination of his aftershave, french polish and rubbed with wood shavings and it's the most powerful reminder of him - so evocative. Perhaps leave something in your box of yours - with your scent on it. But I do think a voice recording will be treasured forever.

And I just wanted to add one other suggestion which is to plant something together. And then your DS can watch it grow and perhaps feel close to you in that way. I think maybe your DH might get something out of that too.

And you don't have to be brave or strong. We always hear/read about the brave cancer sufferers but frankly anyone who gets a terminal diagnoses and gets out of bed each day putting one foot in front of the other has the heart of a Lion. That's brave enough for anyone.

Take care of yourself x

Thank you all. Had to take a few days "break" from any reminder of my cancer diagnosis so I could cope with New Year. I can't bare it. Knowing 2015 will be the last new year I ever see is heart breaking. I have focused on my son and taking plenty of photos doing what I could with him. He is learning new words every day. I cherish this time I have with him and know I am privileged to see every new step of his development. It breaks me that I will not see the man he will become. There are so many steps I will miss. What hurts the most is I don't even know what he will look like as an adult. I feel robbed.

My poor little boy. It was never meant to be this way. He has my eyes. One day those eyes will be full of sadness for the mother he never knew. How will that affect him? I trust my husband to raise him. He is an amazing father but we were supposed to do this together.

Please don't think all of my days are filled with such sadness and loss. I have a few positive days were I can focus on being with my boys and a love for the life I have now. Then a bad day sneaks in and I crumble. It's on the crumbly days I reach out to mumsnet.

Today has been a crumbly day so please hold my hand.

You are doing amazingly well to have managed a few days without crumbling.

It's good to hear that you've been able to spend some time enjoying your son. You aren't the mother he never knew. He knows you like the back of hand just now and the love and security you've given him will help him to be resilient in the future.

What are your plans for tomorrow?

I'm glad you have good days among the sad ones. I wish you many more and big hugs.