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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

OP posts:
Original poster
LostJennyWren · 06/01/2015 22:53

Huge argument with husband tonight, we are not talking... :(

OP posts:
AndHarry · 06/01/2015 22:57

Oh dear, is it something that will have blown over by the morning?

SunshineBossaNova · 06/01/2015 22:59

Flowers Hope you're okay.

Goldmandra · 06/01/2015 23:15

Oh Jenny Sad

You're both going through a dreadful ordeal and it isn't surprising that the cracks are showing. You're probably directing your anger about the situation you're in at each other because there is no-one else to direct it at.

Sometimes the only way we can cope is by lashing out at those we love most even though we know it makes no sense.

Is there a way to build bridges tonight?

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 06/01/2015 23:29

I have been a colossal bitch to him. :( I am so angry at the situation and and am taking it all out on him. I'm spoiling for an argument, it makes me feel better. I'm so angry at him as well if I am honest, how dare he get to survive and watch our son grow up when I can't . I know this is irrational.
I feel like I hate everyone who is not dying. Everyone who got to see their children grow up. I think I have found a new low. :(

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 06/01/2015 23:38

Jenny, he loves you. He will understand and he will forgive you.

I don't blame you for hating everyone who gets to see their children grow up. You deserve the same and, for no good reason, you don't get to do it.

Not only is this horrible disease taking away your future together, it is also tainting every good moment you have left together with sadness. Why wouldn't you feel bitter?

Can you go and find him and make up? Is what you've just posted something you can say to him?

ammature · 06/01/2015 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justmyview · 06/01/2015 23:43

I'm so angry at him as well if I am honest, how dare he get to survive and watch our son grow up when I can't . I know this is irrational. Actually I don't think that's irrational at all. I think it's natural to be resentful and angry. I suspect that everything you're experiencing is similar to other people in your position, although I recognise that may be of little comfort.

[Flowers]

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 06/01/2015 23:52

Gold the thing is I want to be alone and isolated I guess. In some ways even from my son. I can't stand being around people at the moment. It's so hard to be surrounded by people just living their lives without worries or concerns. My little boy playing with his toys breaks my heart. He doesn't know how much life will change soon. Will it change for him even? Or will he not notice?

I know my husband will forgive me. I am just not ready for him to forgive yet, if that makes sense?

ammature I should look at this situation like that, I really should. I can't though. I don't want a "good" death or a "bad" death, not yet anyway.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 07/01/2015 00:06

I am just not ready for him to forgive yet, if that makes sense?

Yes it does, just as long as you're able to let him know when you are.

Your DS will notice for sure but he may not show it very much. I've cared for a 3YO when her mother was dying. Children's response can be very different so she was quite matter of fact when talking about it. She didn't have the inhibitions and worries about upsetting others that adults have which I think was helpful to her.

I don't want a "good" death or a "bad" death, not yet anyway.

That's understandable and there is no 'should' or 'shouldn't' about how you deal with this.

Rather than thinking about your death, is there anything you would like to happen now, before you become too ill, that you haven't been able to share with anyone?

IsItTeaYoureLookingFor · 07/01/2015 00:40

I'm crying reading this thread.

I'm so so sorry for what you're going through.

Bogeyface · 07/01/2015 01:46

I am crying too.

You are right my love, if there is a dictionary definition of "Its not fucking fair" then this is it. I cant imagine what you are going through, but please know that you will never ever be forgotten.

The letter you wrote to your son is so moving, please do write it to him as it is, there is no other way you could write it that would tell him what is in your heart.

Your love for your husband and son shines through, and it always will no matter where you are :)

Primadonnagirl · 07/01/2015 02:20

You are fabulous , you do know that don't you?! You have a small child who will make sure you live on in spirit and a DH who signed up for the good and the bad. Life is what it is , and it's inexplicably kinder to some of us than others but there's nothing we can do about it.

Ohfourfoxache · 07/01/2015 02:52

Oh darling Jenny Sad

I'm also crying reading this.

I wish you weren't going through this. As Bogey says, this is the dictionary definition of "it's not fucking fair".

If you want to be irrational, be irrational. You don't have to be anything you don't want to be or feel that is beyond what you're capable of ATM.

You are having good days and bad days - that's completely understandable. There is no right or wrong. But Gold makes a very good point (she always does!) - is there anything you want to do whilst you're well enough to do it?

Sending all my love x

saffronwblue · 07/01/2015 03:13

Another one holding your hand and saying that it is normal for you to feel furious, resentful, cheated of so much of your life and your time with your family. It is the most massively tragic and unfair situation.

Try not to be hard on yourself. You are still you - having this illness does not mean you automatically become a saint. The person that you are, with weaknesses and failings like we all have, is the person that your DH , DS and other family love so much and always will.

Hope you have some nice moments today and tomorrow.

Bananayellow · 07/01/2015 06:36

Just tell him what you've told us. That you know it's unfair but that you are so angry. He'll understand.

I remember being in the supermarket thinking that everyone was just going about their everyday life and there was me consumed by devastation. You feel so alone and yes, angry as hell.

Please don't be so hard on yourself about how you feel. You're allowed to go through every single emotion you want - and you'll probably go through them all.

SnotandBothered · 07/01/2015 14:02

Hi againJennyWren. Your last couple of posts have toppled me, I think I speak for everyone on this thread when I say we are all furious that your future is being stolen from you. I understand that feeling of 'how fucking dare you carry on shopping, holidaying and laughing when my world is ending' and I just want to remind you that whilst 'we' on this thread are 'those people' to all intents and purposes, now that we know your story, we are going about our day but you are in our thoughts. And anyone who knows you or loves you might appear to be going about their day but it will be with a heavy heart. You will NOT ever be forgotten or less valued for having a shorter life.

Are you having any regular contact with people who are going through anything remotely similar? I realise that you are very young to have a terminal diagnoses but perhaps if there is a group or something, you may find some comfort/peace is talking to people who are experiencing similar resentment, fear, anger first hand?

I will be thinking of you now as I go to the supermarket x

Bananayellow · 07/01/2015 17:25

How long have you known about your diagnosis?

I also think it might help you to talk to people going through the same thing. Perhaps McMillan can point you in their direction or they may even know about a support group where you can vent away in rl, without worrying about DH's or your families reactions.

Blueandwhitelover · 07/01/2015 18:50

I just wanted you to know that I think about you every day and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Goldmandra · 08/01/2015 07:21

Hi Jenny,

Hoping that the fact you've not been on MN means you've not crumbled too much the past couple of days.

XX

QOD · 09/01/2015 18:38

Just read yr thread and my heart goes out to you and your ds. Is your dh still holding false hopes and distressing you? Do you feel strong enough to let him read this thread?
You're doing such amazing things, can you film yourself reading DS a book? The night before Xmas, an Easter one and so on?
I wish there was something we strangers on the web could do. I have bought the book myself to complete for dd for one day.
I fret because I as 30 when she was born and so will be older than my mum is now when she's my age, I worry I won't be there long enough, I think it's a mum thing but you've got that knowledge forced upon you.
Keep talking, keep complaining and keep the thought in your mind that he will NEVER forget you ever.
X

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 12/01/2015 19:14

Gold unfortunately I have been unwell and unable to post because of that, not because I have had good days. :(

BananaI have known for about a month and I am in touch with support groups. You are right it is great to unload all of these scary hateful emotions without hurting my family.

Thank you all for your continued support. :)

OP posts:
bananayellow · 12/01/2015 20:06

Oh jenny so sorry you have been feeling so unwell. I really hope you've rallied now and have many more good days.

You've only known for a month. That's not long to take in such dreadful news. No wonder you're all over the place. I'm glad you have real life support, not that anything can really make you feel much better about it.

I've been thinking of you regularly.
Thanks

SunshineBossaNova · 12/01/2015 20:49

I'm sorry to hear you've been so unwell Jenny Flowers

Gentle hugs x

Goldmandra · 12/01/2015 23:36

I'm really sorry to hear that, Jenny. I was hoping you were getting a bit of positive time with your family and didn't need MN for a while.

xx