To want to run away

[LostJennyWren]

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

Also so sorry to read this thread OP . Leaving memories including your voice, words and letters will be treasured I am sure.

Very rarely post but have to here. So sorry to read this story. I think that you are very brave indeed, and your son will love you dearly always. My heart goes out to you all.

LostJennyWren, I'm so sorry for your diagnosis, life is unbelievably cruel. Earlier in the thread you spoke about wanting to approach this with bravery and that you didn't feel like the people you hear about who remain strong until the end. Reading your posts I read nothing but strength and bravery - read back, imagine you are reading someone else's experience. You talk about making things better for your DH and DD, you talk about needing alone time to cry, you talk wanting to be supportive and to help your DH after you've gone. The strength, dignity and such bravery shine through your words - you are allowed to feel scared and confused, it doesn't take away your strength.

I'd agree with those who suggest writing letters, write down your favourite memories with your DS, write down the things that you loved and that made you happy. Your DS won't forget you, the bond between a mother and a child is forever and he'll feel that every day. When he's old enough he'll realise what that feeling is.

I'm so sorry.

BlinkandMiss thank you for posting. I hope I can be brave at the end. I dont want to be remembered as a crying mess. Its the fear of the unknown that is so scary.

Please know I am thinking of you and sending you hugs .

I also think you are very brave and your posts are both heart breaking and inspiring. Sending hugs and strength to you Jenny

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It's every parent's worst fear. I am useless with words and other posters have said everything I could have wanted to say but my heart goes out to you. It's so bloody unfair.

Thinking of you and your family.

Very sorry to read you are going through this.

Lots of videos of you and her together.

Record/write your thoughts on how she is as a little girl, funny things she has said and done, her personality, etc.

I hope you live much longer than you currently imagine. My heart breaks for you.

I don't post on here very often but this thread has really touched me. I can only say what others have said, it seems so terribly cruel and unfair and no doubt frustrating for friends and family as they must feel so helpless. All I can do is send you kind thoughts, and trust me you'll be in mine often. Take care

Holding your hand very tightly. x

As quantum physics/Astrophysics states "Matter cannot be created nor destroyed", so if this is true, you can rest assured that you won't be totally gone from your loved ones and, in a sense, you'll always be with them.

There are places that turn a cremated person's ashes into diamonds/crystals for jewellery, so maybe that might be an idea for your family. IIRC it costs around £300/400 per spoonful (I think it's around a teaspoon of ashes they use each time) to do this and it would make a nice memory for your DC. It also means they can carry part of you around with them. This is the website www.ashesintoglass.co.uk/

BTW, death is only a transition stage between this life and the next.

As quantum physics/Astrophysics states "Matter cannot be created nor destroyed
I find this idea immensely comforting. I once had the weird experience of seeing the world as kind of atoms (I wasn't taking drugs) and it was exactly that feeling, that we will always exist, and have always existed.

Just want to say Merry Christmas Jenny. You and your family will be in my thoughts. I hope you can find some peace this Christmas and your ds has a fab time

I've no words, your bravery is inspiring. Much love to you and your family.
thinking of you.

In a strange way the traditions of Christmas are helping. The baking, the present wrapping, sneaking chocolates of the tree... it all makes me feel warm and cozy. As if it's a normal Christmas and nothing bad is happening to me or our family. I like the delusion even as I know it can't last. I'm going to take oodles of photos and videos but other than that this Christmas will be like any other. Thank you posters who advised me to let the Christmas spirit was over me, it really is helping. Merry Christmas everyone. You all don't know how wonderfully helpful you have been.

Merry Christmas Jenny I'm glad you're finding some enjoyment in it.

Merry Christmas Jenny

I have no words that I can say, but I will hold offer my hand to hold.

I am so sorry, so sorry.

Xxxxx

Merry Christmas jenny you have been in my thoughts.

Merry Christmas Jenny, it's lovely to hear that you are having a better day today. You're in my thoughts x x