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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

OP posts:
RB68 · 23/05/2015 10:12

One lovely idea is to write him letters for the future. So big occasions like starting school, going to big school, 16,18 21 when married etc. Give him stories and snippets of yourself.

RumbleMum · 23/05/2015 13:20

I'm sorry that comment about children's memories was so upsetting. I'm not sure it's necessarily true, though - there was research published a couple of years ago strongly suggesting that children of two can form lifelong memories. I have a memory from when I was two and we know it's not a false memory as I accurately described the room (wallpaper etc) it happened in recently to my mum who said it was correct (I never saw the room again after I was two). So don't lose hope on that score. Flowers

AntiHop · 23/05/2015 20:20

Jenny you're son will remember. All the love that you have given him all his life is building his emotional well being. Every hug, every kiss. That emotional well being will stay with him forever. Plus he'll have photos and videos of you will help will trigger his memories. You know how a certain smell or sound can bring memories flooding back? Well photos and videos of you will do the same for him.

formerbabe · 23/05/2015 20:32

Hi Jenny
I have several memories from when I was two years old...I remember very clearly sitting in the car with my mother driving me to nursery and various other moments from those very early years so I'm very sceptical about that comment someone said to you.
Pleased to hear the meds are helping a little. Keep posting if it helps you.
Lots of love to you x

shrunkenhead · 23/05/2015 21:54

I remember being in my cot and I must've been under three, maybe two and a half (parents prob moved me to a bed at three) so ignore that comment! It's not how long you've known someone or how long they've been in your life that influences how you remember them but the impact they had on you. You're his Mum. And you always will be.

Justusemyname · 23/05/2015 22:08

He will know his mummy loves him.

NoSquirrels · 24/05/2015 00:57

My children surprise me every day it seems with memories unprompted by us of things I'd never imagine they'd remember. Things i think they'd recall they have no memory of. They are 6 & 4. You'll be in your son's heart. Memory is tricksy. Emotions, feelings, they are deeply experienced and unique to people. Your DS will remember you, you just can't predict how or what form that memory will take.

God bless you. I have cried reading this. I wish you and your loved ones strength and more chances for joy and grace.

GingerbreadBaubles · 24/05/2015 02:39

My best friends mum sadly passed when she was younger, her mum wrote cards for birthdays and Christmases she wrote letters for milestones such as her 18th 21st and 30th, a congratulations card on her engagement a wedding day letter and lots of little inspirational quotes. Her mum fills my friends house, her presence is everywhere, she put all the letters and notes to date in frames.

The family had a conversation about after her passing that no matter what they believed she wanted them to know she would be fine and she wanted them to enjoy life and be the happiest they could be.

Make a voice recording or/and a video so she will see you and hear you. You will never be forgotten. My friend misses her mum so much but she is definitely not forgotten. It's really lovely going to hers and seeing snippets of her mum dotted about. It gives her great comfort.

I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you and I hope you have RL support in the coming days ??

MrsTattoo · 24/05/2015 04:17

Jenny, I'm sat at work reading this thread for the first time wiping away the tears. I can't begin to imagine how you feel and not sure what support I can offer/what to say to help. Just know that your husband clearly loves you dearly and will never let your son forget you!

On the topic of ideas for DS, how about getting one of those old instant polaroid cameras and letting DS take photos of you pulling funny faces and some of you and hubby together having a cuddle/kiss. Maybe as he is taking photos of you get hubby to photo the whole thing so he has the photos of you that he took but then also photos of him being the photographer and his reaction to each photo as its printed out the camera? (hope that makes sense?)

Maybe spray your letters/cards to him with your favourite perfume and seal them individually in ziploc sandwich bags so each one smells like you as he opens them over the years?

Stay strong for your beautiful boy and lovely husband xx

Idocrazythings · 24/05/2015 05:16

I'm so sorry. My dad died very unexpectedly when I was 6. We do not have a huge amount of photos etc. BUT I have never once forgotton about him (even though I have little memories). Never not thought of him and love him completely. You will live in her heart forever. Xxxx

Charis1 · 24/05/2015 05:50

make a mark somewhere with your son. My DS recently described making indentations in wet cement at the bottom of out garden with his aunt. This incident has never been mentioned again ever, in fact I had forgotten completely myself, but he has remembered every single time he has passed those prints, for the past 15 years. He spoke about it recently, and he has crystal clear memories of that day, which have trigger confirmatory memories in me. He was not quite 18 months old.

You will always exist for him, and through him. We all exist through descendants we'll never meet even though your unmet descendants will be arriving sooner than many of ours, for those of us that have more time left, but in the end it is all any of us are on Earth.

Lots of love and prayers.

xx

Pippi36 · 24/05/2015 08:20

I'm a bit confused having read this thread from the start. Do you have a daughter or a son?

Smoorikins · 24/05/2015 08:43

Me too Pippi

zen1 · 24/05/2015 08:49

Jenny, children can definitely retain memories from before being 3. I have many vivid memories from 2 onwards, including conversations. One of them is lying in my cot with my mum talking to me. Another is of sitting on her lap and her singing. They evoke feelings of being loved. My own mother's dad died of an illness when she was two, and even though he was in bed much of the time, she still remembers making him laugh and has other memories prior to him passing. It must be so incredibly difficult for you, I can't imagine. But I am sure your child will always know you loved him.

Justusemyname · 24/05/2015 08:58

You must have missed the part where the OP explained what sex child she had, Pippi and Smoorikins.

LindyHemming · 24/05/2015 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tutteredboast · 24/05/2015 09:16

Pippi and Smoorikins, read page 6, that explains it.

Songlark · 24/05/2015 09:30

Hi Jenny, read this whole thread last night. I'm so so sorry for what you're going through. Please don't ever think that your beloved son will ever forget you. Throughout his life you will be in his thoughts. Your memory will be kept alive in many many ways, photographs, letters and keepsakes off you and your DH and family talking of you and telling him how much you love him.You will never be replaced in his heart. You are his mummy and nothing will ever change that.
I wish I could find the words to give you more comfort and ease your mind.
You worry that you will be forgotten but I don't even know you but I won't, so I'm certain all your loved ones wont. I hope you don't mind me sending you this poem in the hope that it might give you some comfort. www.poemhunter.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all/

monkeychops06 · 24/05/2015 21:15

Hi Jenny, I came across this trend today and it made me so sad. I never usually comment although had to tell you how much strength, courage and love comes across in your posts. Through all the amazing things you are doing for your son you are ensuring that he will always have a little bit of you with him. You sound like an amazing mum, someone unforgettable.

Midlandsmom · 24/05/2015 21:35

Jenny, I have a very clear memory of asking my Dad for a dolls house for Christmas. I remember him clearly, where he was sitting and what was said. I was only two. I know this because my dolls house has a number two on the door (Dad painted a two on the door for my age).

Lots of love to you xxx

candlesandlight · 24/05/2015 21:46

Love to you and your family. XFlowers

tulipbulbs · 25/05/2015 10:55

Jenny, your son has the most fundamental memory, he has the memory of being loved.
My friend is a foster parent, she says that so often the damage is done/begins in the womb. The child is exposed to general neglect that can result in foetal alcohol syndrome for example. Some mothers are such wounded people themselves that they can't give their child the most basic care, as it is formed.
Your son, on the other hand, is a wanted, treasured child. Your love for him is palatable to all of us, I can only imagine how wonderful it must be for him.
Our sub conscious holds on to the memory of being loved, of being wanted, of having our mother answer our calls of distress, of having her arms around us.
Because you love and have loved your child, he will always know and remember this, he will be able to live a successful life.
At 2 he isn't fully verbal, but he knows your face, he knows it as the face of love and protection. Don't you imagine that the memory of your face, your touch, your smell comforts him in his sleep, that you already soothe him in his dreams and that you will continue to do so?
My middle child was born 22 years after my grandmother died. She is now 14 and sometimes I see her doing a thing with her lip that my grandmother did. She never knew my grandmother, she has no memory of her, but she carries my grandmothers' genes, and genes will out.
Your son will be very like you as an adult and people will say to him "you look just like your mother" or "that's what your mother did". And, he will be proud and know you as part of him. A very big part of him.

silverglitterpisser · 25/05/2015 14:23

Jenny, my first really clear memory is of being scared to go down my new slide. I was 22 months. He WILL remember u n the love u gave him.

U come across so courageous n unselfish, I am in utter awe of u.

Sending u all the strength I can muster xxx

carbolicsoaprocked · 25/05/2015 16:25

Jenny I just read this thread and you sound amazing. Please don't think your family will ever forget you or that it will be as though you were never there. Over time your family will adapt to a 'new normal' but you will have contributed to that in so many ways, ie giving them strength and love to get them through the tough times.
I also have a really strong memory from aged 2 - it was the day we got our first dog. I remember so many little details like the street and house we picked him up from, what I was wearing, and sitting at the bottom of the stairs with my family deciding on his name. I also remember I was a bit disappointed with the name they chose, so kids can remember specific details as well as feelings from this age. There were no pictures taken that day to help me remember it, I just did, so I'm sure if you take pictures/videos etc your son will have an even greater chance of having particular memories to treasure.
Wishing you all the best for your lovely family. x

Aermingers · 25/05/2015 16:40

You won't be gone. Every day your DH will talk about Mummy and what you were like and what you wanted to do. Don't think that because you are not there physically your presence won't be there in every aspect of your child's life. Your son will grow up knowing how much you loved him. The love you have for him is a legacy that will see him through his life,

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