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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 06/05/2015 16:26

I've just come across this thread and it has made me cry.
I honestly cannot begin to imagine what this must be like for you.
But know this...How will it ever be like you never existed?
You are a daughter, a mother, a wife.
These people will never ever ever forget you.
Your son wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you.
I have no doubt that your family will keep your memory alive for your son so he will know who you are and what an amazing person are.

tametempo · 06/05/2015 16:30

It will never be like you never existed Jenny you gave your son life and gave your DH the most precious gift of all- his child.
You're so brave and I do hope you have plenty more positive days to enjoy your family. Smile

CrapBag · 06/05/2015 21:37

Oh Jenny it won't be like you never existed. Your dear child would not exist without you. Sorry to hear you are having a tough time again.

My uncle died when I was 10 at a young age. I have a few memories of him and 1 birthday card he gave me, but I have never forgotten he existed even though it has been 23 years now. The messages that still come on Facebook on the anniversary and his birthday proves that. Photos are also a very powerful reminder. Your loved ones will never forget and whilst they eventually may move on with their lives, they will never really get over it, they will just learn to live with it. Flowers

I think we do underestimate our impact on people sometimes. My nan and grandad say things about them being old and when it's their time then it doesn't matter and they don't care what we do with them after etc but they really don't get how devastating their loss will be to me (they brought me up) and it's not something I will get over at all. Your family will never just think it's like you didn't exist.

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 07/05/2015 01:19

I know it's so silly for me to spend the time I have worrying about whether I'll be remembered when I'm not here anymore. Who really cares? I won't be around to see it, whatever happens. It's one of the things keeping me awake right now, how can I just stop existing?

OP posts:
Original poster
LostJennyWren · 07/05/2015 10:38

Struggling to stay positive again. The morning has been spent with my son tantruming over silly things like broken crayons. I don't have the energy or the patience.

OP posts:
TheySayIamparanoid · 07/05/2015 11:03

Oh Jenny. I just wish there was something I could do xx
Does you son want to snuggle up and watch a few cartoons?

hellsbellsmelons · 07/05/2015 11:05

I wish there was something I could so as well.
I'm not sure many people could stay positive in your circumstances.
Take it one hour and one day at a time.
Sending you so many hugs I've run out for the next week now!
((((((((((((HUGS, HUGS AND MORE HUGS))))))))))))

formerbabe · 07/05/2015 11:25

Struggling to stay positive again. The morning has been spent with my son tantruming over silly things like broken crayons. I don't have the energy or the patience.

Flowers. Do you have any family or friends who could help you out today Jenny? Would your son play some kids games on the computer or watch a film/cartoons?

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 07/05/2015 11:37

I've sat him in his cot with a load of books. I don't get to be his mother for long and I feel so guilty that I'm using the time I have with him feeling overwhelmed by it all. :(

OP posts:
formerbabe · 07/05/2015 11:44

I've sat him in his cot with a load of books. I don't get to be his mother for long and I feel so guilty that I'm using the time I have with him feeling overwhelmed by it all.

Please please don't feel guilty Jenny...we can all see from this thread how much you love your son and what a lovely mum you are. I think you are doing an amazing job...x

tulipbulbs · 07/05/2015 17:01

you're human Jenny and you're going to feel all the emotions. There isn't a chance that you won't be remembered. When I was in my 20s I had zero self confidence, it's a fairly common thing. Older people like themselves more and realize that they weren't so bad after all, you are underestimating your specialness. You are your husband's first love and gave him his first born. That only happens once and is irreplaceable. I have 3 children, I love them all differently and equally but my firstborn, that's special. She made me a mother and you made him a father, you opened that whole world for him. Don't imagine there is someone more important coming down the road for him. Your first love is like someone who invented love. All the others can be replays. Also have you looked at mature women in changing rooms? have you seen the veins, mummy tummies, bits of us falling away from our prime - not to mention facial hair, wrinkles and the menopause - you are looking at the reality of older women and his possible future. You are the competition Jenny and if there is someone else, she'll worry about you and what you are to your husband and son, that she can never be.
Grief changes all the time. My mum will be dead for 20 years this year and my relationship with her has changed as my life has changed. I understand things about her now that I didn't before. One day your husband will be an old man, sitting in a chair, remembering his beautiful young wife and he will be glad that a beautiful young girl loved him and that he still loves her. Your son will be a man who realizes how young you are today and he'll want to put his arms around you and protect you from all the shit in the world.

I still sometimes mistake the woman riding the bike down the street for my mother or think that I must tell her something when I meet her. An older woman I knew said when she died "you don't really die until all the people who love you are dead". And, it's true. None of my children met her but they know all about her and talk about her in as ordinary a way as they would about the milkman.
As a mother of beautiful daughters, if one of them was taken from me, do you think that I would forget them ever for a nano second? You are your parents baby and they won't forget you any more than you could forget your son.
Maybe your son feels your distress today and this is your chance to be sad together.

PoppySausage · 07/05/2015 18:08

You are a normal mother, these things are overwhelming and hard to deal with at the best of times. The best you can do for him is not feel guilty about things like this, it is ok

ChillySundays · 07/05/2015 21:43

I've sat him in his cot with a load of books. I don't get to be his mother for long and I feel so guilty that I'm using the time I have with him feeling overwhelmed by it all Jenny what mother wouldn't have put him in the cot.

you don't really die until all the people who love you are dead Tulip - that is lovely and I hope that is a comfort for you Jenny.

As others have said even if your DH does meet someone else you will always be his first love and he will never forget you.

I know you don't want to take any tranquilizers but would it be worth going for a very low dosage to take the edge off? I have never taken them so I don't know if this is an option. Or perhaps sleeping tablets?

As usual always thinking of you

RumbleMum · 08/05/2015 19:24

No useful advice but thinking of you and offering a hand to hold, Jenny. Try not to feel guilty - as others have said what you've put in place for your son is amazing and will mean the world to him. You're doing a great job in a situation that's so far beyond shitty there isn't a word for it.

ShesAStar · 08/05/2015 19:38

Jenny you are wrong, wrong, wrong. You will always be remembered, you are very obviously going to be missed more than you can understand.

I lost my cousin at the age of 24, when I was 20. I loved her very much and I think of her every day. I miss her every day, I think of her laugh, I remember daft conversations we had and I remember her immense strength and courage. I miss her more now than I ever did because when you really love someone the longer they are away from you the more you yearn for them. She has been dead nearly 20 years and the pain is as sharp today as it was on the day she died.

Sending you strength and the promise that you will never be forgotten.

GobbolinoCat · 08/05/2015 19:48

My son will not remember me and soon it will be like I never existed

I recently read autobigograhy of Anjeclica Hustons sister called Love Child. Her Mother died in car accident when she was four and she was brought up by John Huston, who then turns out not to be her father.

Her whole life/book was about catching glimpses of her mother. Photos, articles, and letter she wrote to other people. Her most precious photo was one with her mother holding her hand.

Write your son letters but about you and your life, not so much how to live his. This writer struggled through letters to know who her mother was.

where did you go to school, how did you feel about it, on x day, go into detail, give him something to hang on too. This is where Mum went to school, this must be the wall she crashed into on her bike etc. She loved that bike etc

Do scrap book of YOUR life before him too.

Box your guilt and grief, feel it, indugle in it then say enough for today. I will allow myself an hour then put it away until tomorow.

Bananayellow · 09/05/2015 09:58

Hello lovely,

I've been away from mumsnet for a while, but you've often been in my thoughts.

Keep on being the wonderful mum you are. You would be superhuman if you didn't feel frustrated with ds and the rest of your family, at times.

You will always be the vibrant, beautiful young girl that DH married. He will most likely put you on a pedestal, that all future partners will be in constant competition with. I hope that's a comfort to you, even though it probably won't be easy for them.
You will also be the most perfect and best mum that your ds could ever wish for. His image of you will be without the flaws that afflict all of us.

You will never be forgotten. Hasn't the memories and thoughts of others on this thread who lost their own mothers young, convinced you of that? How can your parents ever forget their baby? I think that must be one of the greatest things to get over. Losing your child before you. That is just not the natural order of things and is so wrong and unfair. As is leaving your ds behind without you to guide him through life.

I think it wouldn't be a bad thing to try a low dose tranquilliser just to take the edge off your panic. I had one before my serious operation. I still felt and behaved exactly the same but I felt calmer. You can also come off them if you don't like it, or others notice a change in you.
I've also said up thread, how sleeping tablets were a godsend when I was diagnosed with cancer. Give something a try. It may help and you can stop if not.

Will continue to think of you. Practically every day.

Parsley1234 · 13/05/2015 20:53

Thinking if you and your beautiful little perfect family xx

RumbleMum · 22/05/2015 20:01

How are you doing Jenny? Remember there are plenty of people here to listen if you feel you want to talk.

LadyDeadpool · 22/05/2015 20:21

I think my heart just broke reading how much you love your DS, you're right it's not fair not even a little but look how amazing you are you haven't given up you're still worrying about your little one and you're making sure that even when you can't be there in person for him that you will still be helping to raise him.
I Don't think anyone is ever truly gone while someone still holds their name in their heart and your name will be in the hearts of your family and hundreds of mumsnetters too.
You're never standing alone.

ghostyslovesheep · 22/05/2015 21:10

I think about you all a lot and I can't begin to imagine how hard this all is - please be kind to yourself - your son loves you and will remember you xxxx

CrapBag · 22/05/2015 21:21

The scrapbook of your life sounds like a great idea.

A few years ago I gave my nan a book called Dear Grandma or something like that, I have the Dear Mum version and it asks all sorts of questions about your life. You fill it in then you give it back to the giver and they get your life story. It may be a bit much for you to fill in but you could use something like that as a guide. I can't wait to get my nans back. DH's dad died when he was in his early 20's and he said he would have loved to have had something like that from his dad so he could read about him and his life. Xx

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 23/05/2015 09:55

I'm still here. I went to my GP and was prescribed anti-anxiety medication. It has stopped the panic attacks mostly. I am still afraid. Someone told me children don't have any memories before three and I burst into tears. He won't remember.

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cashewnutty · 23/05/2015 10:07

Hi Jenny. I have been following your story with such a sense of sadness.

I just wanted to say that your son will remember you as he will be encouraged to remember you by your family. I am sure they will talk about you to him and show you pictures so he can keep a memory of you alive for ever.

My youngest DD was born after my eldest DD died at age 5. She is 17 now and has said that she feels she knew her sister as we talk about her and we have pictures which we have showed her and talked about.

I am so glad you are still here. If you haven't already done this then a book with messages and pictures for your son will help him retain his memory of you.

I wish you and your family all the very best for what ever the future may hold. Flowers

Theymakemefeellikeshit · 23/05/2015 10:08

Hi Jenny

Good to hear from you.

I am hoping that whoever said that knew nothing of your situation because otherwise that is the most insensitive thing I have heard.

Glad the meds are working

Is it natural to be afraid and there aren't many of us here that wouldn't be if we were going through this. Are you talking to anyone?