To want to run away

[LostJennyWren]

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

Sending you strength ??

Thinking of you Jenny xx

Thinking of you lovely x

Thinking of you Jenny xx

Delurking to send strength and love.

Hi. I Have just read your thread. I am so sorry for what you are going through. There are no words I can say to take away your illness, your fears or your pain but please know I am holding your hand and sending you and your family all my love xx

Thank you for all of your positive thoughts.
I think what makes it all so hard is that I am so devoid of hope. I don't believe in miracles, or an afterlife, I'mnot going to survive and I know that there is nothing. I'm going to die after so much pain and there will be nothing. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

Love carries on in those you leave behind Jenny.

Sending you love and strength

Sending you love Jenny xx

It is, Jenny, and there are no answers.

I don't really know much about it, but I have heard some good things about cannabis oil - is this something you would want to look into?
And some people have reversed disease by changing their diet. I'd be trying anything, I think.

if there was nothing then humans would be made with a built in "wipe memory" function. All trace of us would disappear, no one would remember. Our impact on the lives of others would mean diddly squat.

But we're not. Love lives on. Memories live on. And the impact that you have on everyone you meet, every interaction, is like an irreversible scratch on a rock. Everyone scratches other people's rocks all the time.

Wow, that's a bit deep and meaningful - and most definitely abstract! Sorry!

I think it's just that I think we forget just how much we impact on other people. There are people I've met that I've maybe spoken to once who have shaped me into the person I am now. Don't underestimate your impact, Jenny. Bloody hell, if you're half as amazing IRL as you are on this thread (which, incidentally, has touched a huge number of people) then yours is a memory that will outlive all of ours combined and many times over!

How are you feeling? You mention pain in your last post - is your physical pain under control? Have you got enough support for this?

Emotional pain - what support are you getting? What can we do to help?

Jenny - you sound so (understandably) sad. I wish I could help.

I'm just an ordinary mum. But for various reasons, I have a strong belief that we do all go to a better place when we die. a much nicer place, surrounded by love. It really comforts me in my darkest hours.

I know exactly what you mean, Jenny. I believe the same as you do despite having tried to keep an open mind.

I remind myself that I don't feel upset by the idea that I didn't exist before birth and after death is not really any different and that does comfort me a bit.

Thinking of you x

It's a very bitter pill to swallow and so very unfair.
Xxxx

I'm not religious but I firmly believe in something. Otherwise, what's the point?
You've made a difference and you'll always be remembered.
You will be together again ??

Thinking of you lovely. I so wish there was a way that in years to come that your son could see how brave Mummy was xxx

Thinking of you, and sending you love Jenny

My family recieved more bad news this morning, how much more can we take??
I find it so hard to overhear "normal" conversation. Other peoples ordinarylives continue and mine falls apart. Yet again the urge to scream "It's not fair!"

Oh sweetheart, what has today brought?

Scream as much as you want to - we're listening x

Jenny
I had some cervical cells discovered and removed years ago so now twice yearly am monitored for any new developments. I had my DS 1 year ago. On my recent visit as I sat waiting to be seen, with my mum and DS in buggy in hospital corridors with me, a whole new kind of fear spread through me. Not dreading the horrible invasive, painful procedure. Not worrying for selfish reasons id be ok. But the sudden thought of what if my test are negative again and something took me away from him.

I cant for a moment imagine how you are feeling now, when this fear is a reality. But on TV the other day someone else with terminal cancer said “we are all just visiting here”.. some “visit” earth for 80 years and some much more briefly but unhappy etc etc. We are all different but that look-out really struck a chord with me, I know it doesn’t help or link to your situation but just a thought to share.

Just as others have said really, but please make as many possible recordings of everything to do with you and your DD together. Write the most random notes and letters whenever anything occurs to you, all day long e.g. “got into road rage today, your mum must confess she finds male drivers so ignorant and annoying!” or had my favourite chocie bar today, and notes about your DDs lovely quirks etc etc. any notes that sum up you, so she will always have a complete picture of you, your quirks, likes/dislikes, habits, hobbies, feelings.

With all this she will know you so well, better than a lot of grown up daughters know and are closer to their own mums. Never give up a bit of hope and just another 2 pence- I firmly believe life doesn’t just stop still, you will be around one way or another. xxxxxx

I'm so sorry. Damn right it's unfair. It's horribly horribly unfair what you are experiencing. I want to shout how unfair it is on your behalf. And in response to your previous post, I also don't believe in an afterlife either. But the love and care you feel for your ds and dp will remain.

Hi Jenny

I've been a member to MN for a few years now and very, very rarely post...however, I have stumbled across your post and did not want to leave without leaving a msg for you, I just want you to know my thoughts, love and hugs are with you and your family.
As a young mum to 2 children I can not even comprehend how you are feeling, I want you to know from one mum to another you truly are an amazing, strong and inspirational women, your husband, son, mum, dad and siblings should be so bloody proud of you xx

Hi jenny so sorry to hear you've had another knock, it's all so terribly cruel. I wish I could take some of the pain away from you. Xxx

How much can one family suffer? So sorry to hear of more bad news.

Keep plodding on and try to see the positives in small things. Easy to say, difficult to do, but a few brief moments will be worth it. Scream on here as much as you like.