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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

OP posts:
TheImprobableGirl · 04/02/2015 23:00

I can't help :( I feel so angry on your behalf at the shit hand life is dealing you.

You are loved and wanted by so many, and will be thought of on numerous occasions.
They will cope, they will have to- but you have built such a Web of love and support your son that there is no way he will ever forget that you are such a fantastic mother.

QOD · 04/02/2015 23:02

You'll always be with your son Jenny wren, he's half you and You will live on in him, is DH with you? You need a hug
This I where I hate the Internet, I can hear you, I can feel you but I can't hug you x

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 04/02/2015 23:24

I'm not worrying about them, how awful is that? I'm so scared. What even happens when you die? It's just so final and I'll never see him grow up. And it just hurts!

OP posts:
Original poster
LostJennyWren · 04/02/2015 23:34

I'm so full of fear and rage and sadness and loss I'm scared to let dh near me. This isn't how I want to be remembered

OP posts:
Bananayellow · 04/02/2015 23:38

Oh sweetheart, I've got tears running down my face. I just don't know what to say to give you comfort. Imagine us holding your hand.

Even if you are not religious can you ask to talk to a vicar tomorrow? Though I am christened CofE, I'm not religious but when I was diagnosed with cancer a Hindu friends mum gave me some Hindu good luck things. I kept those in my purse and still have them. They gave me comfort at the time. It may help you to talk to a vicar or someone religious. It can't hurt anyway. Their faith may comfort you.

I know you don't think you are, but you are being so brave. It's completely understandable that you are scared. Who wouldn't be?

I think of you often.

DodgedAnAsbo · 04/02/2015 23:51

Courage dear. Courage for the little ones

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 04/02/2015 23:59

If I could give this somebody else, anyone else I would in a heartbeat. If there is a hell I think that is were I'm heading.

OP posts:
LucyBabs · 05/02/2015 00:06

LostJennywren
You are doing everything you can just to cope.

Your dh and ds WILL remember the love you have for them.

The memory of your last months/weeks will NOT be their memory of YOU.

I lost my Mam 2 years ago, for the first few months all I could think of was her last few days. She was so angry, she barely acknowledged me and my siblings. I felt so hurt and confused. Months later after the first wave of grief, I realised it wasn't about me! My poor Mam was facing death, she didn't know how to cope how to feel or what to do.

Whatever you feel jenny Its OK! Yes this is happening to your dh too but you are so so important. You are loved and will continue to be.

I am holding your hand, please don't be afraid xxx

Goldmandra · 05/02/2015 00:07

This won't define how you are remembered, Jenny.

You and your little family have shared an awful lot more than this dreadful illness.

I wish I could answer the question about death. I guess if we cease to exist, we cease to suffer. We cannot know what we are missing or feel the loss of not being with our loved ones.

If there is something else we must have faith that it is a better existence and we can watch over our loved ones without pain and fear.

I can't imagine a better excuse for being self-centred than the one you have right now. All your energy is going into coping with what is happening to you. You need to give yourself permission to concentrate on that.

Try not to push your DH away too much. Given the choice, he may prefer to be close and taking the brunt of your pain and anger rather than keeping a safe distance. Let him choose to do what he feels he can cope with.

If it helps to cry out for help on MN, keep doing it. There's no merit in being brave apart from in front of your DS.

Also consider asking your GP for something to help you feel calmer if that's something you would like.

QOD isn't the only one who wishes she could come and give you a hug xx

saffronwblue · 05/02/2015 00:10

Holding your hand, Jenny.

Groovester · 05/02/2015 00:12

Much love Jenny xx

Ohfourfoxache · 05/02/2015 00:27

Oh my darling, hell is absolutely definitely not somewhere you would EVER be heading. Of course you wish it was someone else going through this - you wouldn't be normal and human if you didn't. But someone as pure and loving and utterly giving as you - well, you're destined for better.

Fwiw, and I don't know if this will be a comfort or a hindrance (I certainly don't want to upset you) but there HAS to be more than this. And I just know that you'll be watching over your beautiful boy and fabulous husband. Everything you have given them, all the love, all the good times, all the memories - they will live on. You have given them the most precious gift imaginable - you xx

Bananayellow · 05/02/2015 07:48

I'm sure 99.5% of the human population would choose to give it away to someone else if they could. Self preservation is the strongest human instinct out there. Look at how many people choose to live despite suffering the greatest things imaginable. Don't worry about feeling that. I should imagine it is completely normal. As is feeling every other emotion possible.

Yes, it's a good idea to ask the doctor for something to calm you down. Try talking to someone with faith too. I was really surprised how much that helped because I'm really not religious and am certainly not Hindu. Part of a vicars job is helping people face what you are having to.

Basically do and feel whatever you have to, to get through this time. Give yourself permission and know you won't be judged by any of us.

londonrach · 05/02/2015 07:50

Xxxx (not sure what else to write)

Blueandwhitelover · 05/02/2015 09:00

I was with my Dad when he passed, can the doctor not put you in touch with someone to talk to you about how it will be if that is what you are afraid of.
I don't think anyone here would judge you for feeling how you do, I hope it helps a little to know that you are thought of every day by strangers who do care.

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 05/02/2015 09:52

Thak you all. It was a really rough night, nights are always the worst. I feel so sorry for my husband, everytime I talk to him its with biterness or anger, nothing he says is ever right and I find it hard for him to touch me.
Yet for my son I find it so easy to pretend that Im okay and be the loving mummy I always was.

OP posts:
QOD · 05/02/2015 10:22

Your dh sounds lovely and I'm so glad you can enjoy ds.
Thinking of you all the time.
X

saffronwblue · 05/02/2015 10:24

A day or two before my dad passed away he said to my sister 'I'm not scared'. He had a long life so different circumstances but he did feel peace at the end I am sure, and I hope this will be your experience too.

No-one judges you for snapping at your DH. It is because you love your life and the people in it so much that it naturally makes you angry to be in this position.

Ohfourfoxache · 05/02/2015 10:26

Difference is that your DH knows what's going on, your ds doesn't - it makes it easier to pretend. I know that's a massive over-simplification and I don't mean for it to sound condescending, but it's quite understandable and normal. Please don't beat yourself up. You can only do this your way, no one else's.

What are your plans for the day? More fireman Sam and snuggles? How are you feeling?

PoppySausage · 05/02/2015 21:39

Oh Jenny, your emotions are perfectly understandable and I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Your son will always know you are there, watching him wherever you are. I honestly believe we are all joined and remain joined in invisible ways in life and death. That is my true feeling and I believe the love I have for loved ones passed and the love they had for me remains a constant, something tangible I can draw on.

Your husband will understand and will not remember you for this difficult emotional state you are in now. Your love, your memories will over shadow all of this I am sure. Be kind to yourself Jenny. You are amazing xxxxx

DoreensEatingHerSoreen · 05/02/2015 23:55

Thinking of you tonight Jenny xx

SunshineBossaNova · 06/02/2015 19:41

Thinking of you Jenny. I hope you're having a good day. x

ourglass · 06/02/2015 19:44

It puts it all into perspective doesn't it.

I'm thinking of you xxx

Henbur1702 · 06/02/2015 21:04

Hi Jenny, I'm so sorry for what is happening. I just wanted to say that this thread is proof that you are much more courageous and much less selfish than you give yourself credit for, please stay strong and keep posting for support, reaching out with such honesty is humbling to us all. Xxxx

QOD · 06/02/2015 22:52

Hi jennywren
just checking in to see how you are

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