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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

OP posts:
Crumbelina · 16/01/2015 00:11

*Tiny moments with your DS. Smile

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 16/01/2015 11:17

My darling husband is struggling right now. He hasn't said anything, I think he's scared of upsetting me, but I can tell he is finding it all too hard. He is focusing so much on me he has completely forgotten about himself and won't talk to anyone about what he is going through. How can I help him?

OP posts:
Bananayellow · 16/01/2015 12:06

Can you find a support group for him? I'm sure they are around. Then he can listen to others and speak as much as he feels able to. It must be terribly hard for him trying to remain strong for you whilst crumbling inside. But then I bet you are trying to be strong for him too. Bless you both. Just hold him sometimes. Perhaps cry together. You don't need words to know that you are there for each other.

A thought I had in the middle of the night whilst I was thinking of you.
I know you don't have much energy at the moment but perhaps a family member could sort it out. Google hand casting kits and make one of your hand for your ds. Then he can hold your hand whenever he needs to. Failing that can you do some hand prints for him? I'm sure they would bring comfort to him in the future.

Sending you more strength.

Fleetfoxes · 16/01/2015 12:12

I just want to reach out, give you the biggest cuddle ever and soothe all of your worries, problems and pain away. You are so brave and so inspirational. I really don't know what else to say.

I can't imagine what you're going through Flowers

Goldmandra · 16/01/2015 12:24

Jenny this is one of Macmillan's strengths. Are you able to contact them and ask them what they can do to support him?

He might not feel he can ask for support for himself given what you're going through, but you need to know that he has support in place because you're relying on him to care for your DS.

Bananayellow · 16/01/2015 12:35

I know you have said you are feeling tired and lacking in energy. I hope that some days or parts of days are better than others and that you can still potter around. Give that gorgeous son of yours an extra squeeze from all of us.

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 16/01/2015 14:28

Banana your handprint idea made me cry. Thank you. This is why I love this thread, I have so many beautiful ideas to show my son how much I love him. After I have gone my son will be left with so many memories and it is all thanks to you wonderful people. No words are enough to describe the gift you have given me and my boy.

OP posts:
Original poster
LostJennyWren · 16/01/2015 14:31

My husband insists he is fine and refuses to talk to anyone. How can he be fine? He has always struggled with admitting when he needs help.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 16/01/2015 15:00

He has always struggled with admitting when he needs help.

Maybe someone from Macmillan visiting you could strike up a conversation with him and help him see that it isn't a weakness. If you're lucky and get the right person, they may just need an opportunity to open a dialogue with him.

You can't force him and you can't take responsibility for his decisions but you can suggest to him that, by accepting some support now, he will help you to feel reassured that he will get the support he needs once you're gone.

Bananayellow · 16/01/2015 15:09

Some people are just copers or he may be in a bit of denial. Perhaps it will be too "real" for him if he talks about it. I think you have to trust him on this one. He may reach a point where he does need support. As long as he knows where to go if he needs it, then I think you should worry about yourself and not him.

It will be hard for him. But he will cope. People do. He has your ds to keep him going and your ds will help him get through it. He will be a blessing and will be a reason to continue. He will be a reason to laugh in the future and they will develop an even closer bond than the great one they have already. They are lucky to have each other and they are lucky to have had you in their lives. What is the saying - it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
The road will be bumpy for a while but they will be ok travelling it together. You will remain with them every step of the way. They'll never forget you but the pain will eventually get easier for them. Oh jenny, that's so difficult to think about isn't it. Lots of hugs.

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 16/01/2015 16:55

I know, I just need him to be okay so that our little boy is okay. I wish I could take all of his pain away, but I know he feels the same about my pain. In some ways love can really suck when you are both hurting

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 16/01/2015 18:25

It does suck, sweetheart - you're absolutely spot on. But to reflect on what Banana has said, you will live on in them. Your DS is part of you and this will help your DH, and your DH and his memories will help your DS.

They are in for a tough time - there is no denying that. And I know you want to not let them go through it. But they need to be able to go through the process so that they remember all the good times without it hurting so much. And that will happen - all the good and happy times will shine through, I promise.

I don't know if this has been suggested already (quite possibly as I am somewhat slow on the uptake Grin ) - have you thought about making a record of key points that you've experienced? When you met/married DH, when you had DS, birthdays, memories from your childhood and family? I'm absolutely sure that your DS would love to know all sorts of things about you and from your perspective as he gets older. You could include all the naughty things you did as a child and give him ideas on how to keep your DH busy!

IamtheZombie · 16/01/2015 19:42

Jenny, please have one of Zombie's spare hands to hold on to.

Sending you much love.

AlorsMeh · 16/01/2015 20:02

Here is another hand to hold JennyWren. My mum was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer in her 50's. She wanted to run away too and your thread title really resonates. She never met any of her grandchildren but they know all about her and we always talk about her to them just as your dh will talk to your ds about you.

My mum left a letter for me and my sister and I read it regularly. I love to read it on my birthday because she describes what it was like the day I was born, what the weather was like, how excited she was, how it felt to look into my eyes for the first time. It is my most treasured possession.

I am thinking of you and wishing you peace and rest tonight.

todayiamfat · 16/01/2015 20:09

Oh, Sweetie. My heart is breaking for you.

My mum lost her dear mum when she was 2. 50 years ago there was less of an opportunity to leave things. She still very much refers to her as her mum though. It is so so obvious how much you love your son. He will know.

Hand to hold here. I am giving yours a squeeze xxxxxx

ShellyF · 16/01/2015 20:14

Sorry you are ill.
Do you have a son and daughter ?

justmyview · 16/01/2015 21:03

My husband insists he is fine and refuses to talk to anyone. How can he be fine? He has always struggled with admitting when he needs help.

At this stage, it may be that he trying to support you, acknowledging that your loss is greater than his. Maybe he is trying to reassure you that he will cope & manage for your son's sake, so he's not adding to your worries.

myrtleWilson · 16/01/2015 21:10

Shelly, read the thread for explanation

Jenny you're often in my thoughts and hope you've been enjoying some of those beautiful moments today

WhatToDoPC · 16/01/2015 21:12

Just want to let you know I'm still thinking of you xx

shatteredstudentmum · 16/01/2015 21:53

Another one thinking of you xx

QOD · 16/01/2015 22:23

Hey jenny wren, thinking of you today and my Fromm me to you dear mum book came so I will start the job that I am lucky enough to have thoughts do because of you.
Wishing you strength and happiness with your lovely DS who will never forget you ever x

Ajaney · 16/01/2015 23:13

Still thinking of you x

jellyrolly · 16/01/2015 23:50

Another mum thinking of you and sending love xxx

ShellyF · 17/01/2015 00:24

I did Myrtle. ..thank you.

ShellyF · 17/01/2015 00:24

Sending positive vibes.

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