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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

OP posts:
spencermoon · 14/01/2015 22:44

Jenny, just wanted to send my love and thoughts to you and your family. I can only add my voice to the others saying that you are doing amazingly xx

DrElizabethPlimpton · 14/01/2015 22:58

Thinking of you. Flowers

BlinkAndMiss · 14/01/2015 23:05

I haven't stopped thinking of you since I first read your thread, your family should be so proud of you. Sending love to you all x

SunshineBossaNova · 14/01/2015 23:54

Another hand holding yours here lovely x

Flowers
Ohfourfoxache · 15/01/2015 01:07

D'ya know what? I bet the people posting on this thread are just the tip of the iceberg. It's difficult to know what to say, and I'd be flabbergasted if there weren't lots of posters silently following you and thinking of you and praying for you and your wonderful family.

I'm going to be blunt - I read your thread about an hour before I posted the first time. I closed MN, went and had a cuppa and a cry, and came back. I don't know what made me post but I nearly didn't. Bet there's lots of people who just don't know what on earth to say but they are quietly willing you on.

Might be a good time to admit to yourself that you're more important than you maybe give yourself credit for. You should be damned proud of yourself - as Blink says, your family, I am sure, are proud of you too. And I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that every single person who has read this thread is proud of you too. You're an amazing lass, Jenny. Don't forget that - because none of us - your family, friends, MNetters - ever will xx

differentnameforthis · 15/01/2015 03:12

My parents will be heart broken of cause but they have 3 other children and together they will help each other move forward as a family. Everything will be the same just without me.

Everything won't be the same, please don't think that because your parents have other children that life will remain the same.

I have recently had my first (close) loss. A friends passed unexpectedly. I have many friends, but her loss is hard & felt very much. Life will be different now, and that is the same for your family.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. Flowers

Strokethefurrywall · 15/01/2015 03:41

I've read your posts when you first started this thread Jenny, and I was unable to write anything because it cut very deeply. My family and I lost my darling younger brother to cancer 2 years ago. He was 28 and just married. Your posts reminded me of how he felt when he was given his prognosis and I struggle with the memories of how scared he was and how there was nothing we could do to take away that fear.

Our lives haven't gone on as normal. There is a gaping hole in our lives where he should be - there were three of us, my older sister and younger brother and I. Together my sister and I try to lean on each other and jointly support our parents but it doesn't matter in reality. Life will never be normal for anyone that loves you.
I try to fill that large hole in my heart with memories, songs that he loved, music he played. It hurts it hurts it hurts and it never stops hurting.
What I'm trying, very badly, to say, is that your life will always have an amazing impact on them, and how they move through their life going forward. You will be in their thoughts every second of every day and even when the pain is less raw, you will remain there, giving them comfort.

You, in your short 25 years, will have given them love and joy beyond measure and you will have left a lasting legacy for your son.

I will continue to keep you close in my thoughts Thanks

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 15/01/2015 10:24

strokethefurrywall I am so deeply sorry to hear of the passing of your brother. I hope that your and your family's pain gets easier to handle and I know your love for him will always burn bright. Watching my husband go through the pain of loss I feel so deeply for you all.

OP posts:
Original poster
LostJennyWren · 15/01/2015 10:44

Thank you everyone who is reading, posting and silently supporting me, I know this can't be an easy thread to follow.
I feel okay today. My son came into my bedroom, snuggled into me and kissed me before running off to find someone more interesting to play with. My heart burst. It's these moments I am still living for.
I don't know how much longer I have. I know it's getting worse because I'm sleeping more and not eating. I don't want to be given an exact timeframe. I just want to live for the little moments that mean everything. If I have a few weeks or a few months I'm thinking that still buys me loads of kisses, cuddles and I love yous. I had a list of things I wanted to do. I don't feel well enough and tbh I don't want to waste my time or energy travelling or whatever when really it's those tiny moments that I am living for.

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 15/01/2015 11:00

Jenny there are people many years older than you who don't realise that the most important times of all are those tiny moments. I'm glad you had a lovely snuggle and kiss with your son today.

JainaProudmoore · 15/01/2015 11:23

I'm thinking that still buys me loads of kisses, cuddles and I love yous

This is such a wonderful outlook to have. Agree with saffron, not enough people have this attitude and tend to miss the beauty in the small things. Hope you get lots more snuggles today x

Ohfourfoxache · 15/01/2015 11:31

Aw he sounds like a little cutie Grin

I think you're being very sensible about your list tbh - what's the point knackering yourself out with things that, at the moment, just aren't as important?

Are you feeling any more like having company at the moment?

Is there anything you can take that might help your appetite a bit?

And btw - as for following the thread - pah! We're just the ones holding your hand, love. You're the inspirational one xx

GeorgiePorgie123 · 15/01/2015 11:51

Hi Jenny, I read this thread in the early hours of this morning while I was feeding my son and I have been thinking about ever since and need to comment.
I lost my Mum 22 years ago when I was just 8 years old and my brother was 6. I wish I had more of her things to remember her by and more photos of us together. I would dearly love to know what her favourite books, songs, movies were, what she was like as a child/ young adult and what we used to spend time together doing. Although I have a lot of family who remember her I don't feel able to ask them as I don't want to upset them.

Something I have found very comforting though is that I have worn a locket with her photo in for many years and it helps me to feel that she is still with me and watching over me. I want to reassure you that I think of my Mum every day and your children will too, you will always be their mother!

I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for you, you are an amazing person thrown into the worst situation imaginable! I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old and the thought of ever leaving them terrifies me, but I think my mum was an inspiration managing to put on that brave face every time we were together. I talk to my children about my mum all the time and we have photos of her everywhere, including one in the 2 year olds bedroom. She even says 'this is my Grandma in Heaven.'

We never forget those closest to us. I hope you manage to find some form of peace and I will be thinking of you. Lots of hugs and hand holding x x x x

Blueandwhitelover · 15/01/2015 17:25

Just read your update, thinking of you xx

Baddz · 15/01/2015 17:32

Another lurker de lurking :)
I am thinking of you and your family x
Enjoy the cuddles :)

ClockwiseCat · 15/01/2015 17:38

Delurking to say that Ohfourfoxache had it spot on. There is a silent army of MNers behind you, reading and crying utterly useless tears for you, not knowing what to say that doesn't sound glib.

I am so very sorry for your pain and the pain that your family and friends will endure. We will all face it but to be so young just seems terribly cruel. What you're saying is so true and so wise and I think that lots of us stressing about making the dinner and juggling work will stop and take a breath tonight before we snap or nag at our family. Your insights are a gift. I hope we can give something back but you are very much in my thoughts and I imagine in many, many MNers Thanks x

DrownedReindeer · 15/01/2015 17:46

Another one here who really doesn't know what to say but wishes she could ease your pain a little xx

BikketBikketBikket · 15/01/2015 20:50

Jenny, I'm another de-lurker who hasn't got a clue what to say, other than you are a brave, brave girl...
I have two friends who are in your son's position and I can only pass on that they both wish that they had more to remember their Mums by - so every message that you write, every little video clip that you leave, will mean a huge amount to him later in life...
I wish you and your family all the very best Flowers xx

BikketBikketBikket · 15/01/2015 20:52

Oh Jenny - I knew you had a DD not a DS, AND STILL I GOT IT WRONG.... !! I'm so sorry.... xx

Goldmandra · 15/01/2015 21:46

Bikket, Jenny has a DS Smile

Chunderella · 15/01/2015 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeForMeAndDD · 15/01/2015 22:17

Another lurker, de-lurking. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong lovely lady Flowers

PoppySausage · 15/01/2015 22:25

Beautiful insights Jenny and I hope you had lots of kisses and cuddles today.

BiscuitsandBaileys · 15/01/2015 22:27

Another one of your silent supporters here. I've been squeezing you tight from your first post xx

Crumbelina · 16/01/2015 00:09

And another supporter here - I think about you every day. Those moments are beautiful!