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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable... to 'steal' a comprising photo of my child ....

157 replies

slanleat · 14/12/2014 17:26

... even if that child is now an adult of 24?!

We were at my DH's family christmas party last night and it had been suggested that they all bring any old family photos they had along to view and bring back some memories. We arrived in and one of the first things that happened was one of my BIL's came up to me with a photo of a small nude boy child and made a joke about 'has it gotten any bigger over the years'. I actually initally thought it was a photo of BIL.

It was in fact a photo taken of my DS when I was in the hospital after having my DD1. And when looking through the other photos I came across another nude photo of him taken at the same time. My DH is in both of the photos. DS is eating, DH having a cuppa and toast... DS was 2yrs3mths. And I will say straight out that there is clearly nothing sexual about them, but its also not the type of photo I took of my kids.

I would often let them have 'nudey time' after baths etc but would never have thought to take a camera out for it.

So I took the two photos and put them into my handbag, with my DS's knowledge. His partner was at the party too, and she agreed with me that she thought it was 'creapy' that they were passing the photos around.

My DH seems to think it was unreasonable and I was stealing someone else's photos/property. I just said well its my child and I want the pictures. Must have been fairly strongly worded too, cause he left it at that.

But what do you think ... was I out of order?

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 15/12/2014 07:28

"anbu. I'd have done that too. It's a bit weird keeping photos of a naked child that isn't yours really... I'm not suggesting there's anything remotely sinister about it, it's just a bit of an odd thing to have unless you live in some kind of commune."

Or in a family? Or is this one if those Mumsnet things- a family consists of a mother, a father and children- anyone else is on the standing as a stranger on a bus. I have seen that point of view before. Very odd.

Hakluyt · 15/12/2014 07:29

"same standing as a stranger on a bus" that should read.

FrontForward · 15/12/2014 07:32

What Mrs DV said at 19:59. OP was upset, she was there so I'll go both with her interpretation and respect her feelings.

It's hardly a heist is it? take the photo...sleep well....move on

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 15/12/2014 07:33

YANBU. I can't believe that some posters think otherwise. I think your BIL is really weird to take the pictures in the first place and then to bring them out at the party and make those comments. I think that your DH is bang out of order supporting his brother. I would have done exactly the same as you.

christinarossetti · 15/12/2014 07:35

Of course ywnbu. Your ds's body isn't public property, to have demeaning remarks made about it.

If anyone wants the photos back, you can have that conversation with them then.

alwaysstaytoolong · 15/12/2014 07:38

An ex of mine were looking through old family photos and found one of me aged about two, naked but wearing my Mums high heels.

He pointed out I still often rock that look! (Not in my Mums heels though. THAT would be weird).

ReindeerDontFly · 15/12/2014 07:42

YANBU. It's not as if you'd taken the photos and shared them around, they were taken while you were ill in hospital. Who takes photos of another persons naked child? And then uses them to ridicule them years later.

PuffinsAreFictitious · 15/12/2014 07:46

Stealing the pictures of your DS and calling them 'compromising' - YABU

Calling your DS's uncle out for being his comments about your DS's penis size - YANBU

Naked pictures of babies/small children are not 'compromising' in and of themselves. If people can't tell the difference between perfectly innocent pictures and those that can be used by paedophiles which I'm assuming is the reason behind the pearl clutching then you really need to educate yourself. Unless there has been a reason for believing that the uncle had ulterior motives for taking the pictures, stealing them was a massive overreaction.

Having done more safeguarding training than I would ever wish to, I am very aware that most sexual abuse is perpetrated by family members, but unless there has been an allegation made about this man, you're going to look a bit silly when you do the right thing and return his property to him. Unless the pictures are of concern, in which case you need to hand them in to the police.

MarrogfromMars · 15/12/2014 07:54

'Compromising' definition: (of information or a situation) revealing an embarrassing or incriminating secret about someone. Sorry to be pedantic, but that's been bugging me.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 15/12/2014 07:55

Meh, my view is the photos belong to the person in the picture.

If I don't like a photo of me I rip it up or delete it regardless of who has taken it.

If your ds was uncomfortably he had the right to rip it up. If he wasn't bothered then you shouldn't be.

The comment was just a joke surely.

guiltynetter · 15/12/2014 07:57

YANBU.

MarrogfromMars · 15/12/2014 07:58

"If I don't like a photo of me I rip it up or delete it regardless of who has taken it." Shock

feelingunsupported · 15/12/2014 07:58

Remember that photo's taken years ago weren't like now - where we edit before printing. People just took a reel - printed them at the chemist and kept the whole packet. I'm guessing the uncle has been through the packets - saw it and thought it was funny.

All this 'he kept naked pictures' stuff is silly.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 15/12/2014 08:05

Could you give the pictures to your DS and ask him what he wants to do with them? I think that he has every right to rip them up if he wants to. I would never give them back to your weird BIL.

nameuschangeus · 15/12/2014 08:08

I'd have done the same as you OP

Sallystyle · 15/12/2014 08:44

It wouldn't have bothered me at all. However, it obviously bothered you and I see nothing wrong with what you did.

I wouldn't have been overly bothered by his joke. I remember meeting DH's nan when I was pregnant and the first thing she said was 'God grandson, I didn't think you even knew what to do with that thing' that was her SOH which makes some people cringe but I thought it was funny.

As for the first two comments about them not being your property and theft, well that is OTT. I wouldn't have taken them but if someone else had photos of my children that I was uncomfortable with I would take them and would not think twice about doing so.

So while I don't share your feelings YANBU.

Original poster
slanleat · 15/12/2014 09:39

OP here!

Wow - six pages of replies... Lots of points of view and some I feel I can answer...

  1. I totally agree that compromising is the wrong word to use, but it was the only one I could think of for the thread title. So sorry for that one.
  1. I have no issue with small children being naked/nude ... but would never have taken out a camera and taken a picture of mine or even more so any of my neices or nephews who I had cause to mind and bath on occasion.
  1. My son is not just out of the bath, is in fact standing eating something in the photo.
  1. The only other nude photos of my kids that I know of were taken by my sister in my house on a day when she was minding them and had let them paint.... they got so dirty they simply had to be thrown into a bath (so obivously had a wonderfull time painting!). She gave me the photos and negatives ....
  1. My son's partner felt - as i did - that the passing around of the photo was creepy - not that the photo itself was creepy.

Thanks for the input ... I probably should have told someone (other than DS) that I was taking the photos, and I probably should have called them out on it but it was a family christmas party and it seemed easier to simply not cause a row and steal them!

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 15/12/2014 10:00

If your ds didn't like it it was up to him to say something. He is 24.

And no, it's not "creepy". The only possible interpretation of "creepy" in this context is a reference to paedophilia. If you suspect that, then go to the police. If you don't,leave it to your adult son to deal with.

UsedtobeFeckless · 15/12/2014 10:01

I've got lots and lots of old photos of my sons and nephews naked in paddling pools and beaches on hot days long ago and there's nothing pervy about them at all. They're lovely memories. What I wouldn't do is trot them out at a family gathering unless I'd cleared it with all the people in the picture first. ( That said, my mum actually has several framed in her living room! You can't see any willies, though, it's all terribly tasteful ... )

Hakluyt · 15/12/2014 10:10

And if you weren't at least at some level thinking "paedophiles", then surely the obvious word that would have sprung to mind was "embarrassing" rather than "compromising"............

APlaceInTheWinter · 15/12/2014 10:18

This entire thread has been an eye-opener. I never thought of my family as being overly liberal or like a 'commune' but I can't imagine any circumstance where this would have caused so much angst or where a sibling would have felt the need to give me photos and negatives because they contained my DC running about with no clothes on.

ChoochiWoo · 15/12/2014 11:25

id have possibly done the same x

Hakluyt · 15/12/2014 11:28

Visualising an old fashioned handbag- a bit like the ones the Queen carries. The sort that close with a decisive "snap" sound.

cardibach · 15/12/2014 11:30

APlaceInWinter I know! It s all completely unbelievable! I thought it was traditional to show naked baby pictures to boy/girlfriends on the occasion of engagement...
I thought they were normal.

Ems1812 · 15/12/2014 11:46

YADNBU - I would have done exactly the same. It's bloody rude & innapproriate to take a naked picture of someone's child without permission of the parents (even if they are related)