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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable... to 'steal' a comprising photo of my child ....

157 replies

slanleat · 14/12/2014 17:26

... even if that child is now an adult of 24?!

We were at my DH's family christmas party last night and it had been suggested that they all bring any old family photos they had along to view and bring back some memories. We arrived in and one of the first things that happened was one of my BIL's came up to me with a photo of a small nude boy child and made a joke about 'has it gotten any bigger over the years'. I actually initally thought it was a photo of BIL.

It was in fact a photo taken of my DS when I was in the hospital after having my DD1. And when looking through the other photos I came across another nude photo of him taken at the same time. My DH is in both of the photos. DS is eating, DH having a cuppa and toast... DS was 2yrs3mths. And I will say straight out that there is clearly nothing sexual about them, but its also not the type of photo I took of my kids.

I would often let them have 'nudey time' after baths etc but would never have thought to take a camera out for it.

So I took the two photos and put them into my handbag, with my DS's knowledge. His partner was at the party too, and she agreed with me that she thought it was 'creapy' that they were passing the photos around.

My DH seems to think it was unreasonable and I was stealing someone else's photos/property. I just said well its my child and I want the pictures. Must have been fairly strongly worded too, cause he left it at that.

But what do you think ... was I out of order?

OP posts:
APlaceInTheWinter · 14/12/2014 18:13

larry yy we must have grown up in similar families. If we looked back through old family photos there would be lots of naked DCs - at the beach; in the bath, etc. It isn't inappropriate and the photos aren't compromising.

Beangarda · 14/12/2014 18:14

About the actual photo, Larry, nothing at all, of course not. But that photo being passed around in a social setting complete with sleazy fnar fnar sexualising remarks from a member of the extended family isn't appropriate as far as I'm concerned. The BIL was sexualising a child image, in fact.

MmeMorrible · 14/12/2014 18:15

Shops are still open - you clearly need to get a grip! It's a baby picture! What do you think you're BIL was going to do with it that makes it 'compromising'?

mytartanscarf · 14/12/2014 18:16

To me, it has absolutely nothing to do with sex.

It has everything to do with appropriateness and dignity.

My smear tests are nothing to do with sex but are carried out in private to preserve my dignity. Why do we think it's okay - cute and funny even - to quite literally strip children of their dignity?

WhatWouldBlairWaldorfDo · 14/12/2014 18:16

I dont know to be honest...there are many naked pictures of me and my brother, we werent fond of clothes as kids :) we have looked through them as adults, but it doesnt feel like looking at 'my' body if that makes sense. I obviously look different as an adult and there is nothing inappropriate about the photos. My sil laughed and made a joke of 'aw it hasnt grown has it love...' And we all laughed.

I think the key thing is the intention, if they meant to embarass him then that is wrong, and i would be annoyed. If it was family joking then that wouldnt bother me. It all depends on your family dynamic i suppose.

on the fence

Bakeoffcakes · 14/12/2014 18:17

I don't mind nude photos of my children, but I would mind if their Uncle said about someone's penis, 'has it got any bigger over the years?' Angry

He sounds like the kind of creepy uncle that everyone tries to avoid at a party.

In your situation OP I would have taken them too.

ToffeeLatteplease · 14/12/2014 18:18

You took someone elses photo. for that alone you are being VV unreasonable.

That's their momentos and memories of the past, who are you to steal them?

Ask them not to be shown around by all means (although I think that's a bit precious). But stealing them shows a massive a massive lack of appropriate boundaries

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 14/12/2014 18:18

It's inappropriate to have those photos imo. That doesn't mean anyone's accusing the BIL of anything dodgy - just being thoughtless probably.

I'm highly sensitised to this though, after my dfriend's dh turned out to be a paedophile, and had shown signs of grooming my (then 5yr old) dd. It's worth pointing out that in police classification of online child abuse, level 1 indecent images of children actually features clothed children. Naked children may actually be level 2, but I haven't looked that up.

Obvs, this situation is nothing along those lines - but I think OP had every right to take those photos of her own son.

anothernumberone · 14/12/2014 18:18

To those of you saying the OP is being unreasonable would you be happy for another adult to take naked photos of your toddler child without your knowledge tomorrow ? Personally irrespective of how comfortable I am with mine or my children's nudity I would not be happy for other adults to take photos of them naked. So putting myself in your place OP YANBU.

FamilyXmas · 14/12/2014 18:20

People seem to confuse what a picture is and what some pervert may do with it.

Some pervert would start by focusing on the child's genitals. He chose which picture to bring, he decided it would be jolly to draw attention to DS's penis. He was the one putting dodgy connotations on it. His behavior was sleazy & justified confiscation of the photo from him.

ToffeeLatteplease · 14/12/2014 18:20

Would have had far more respect had you openly said I don't approve do you mind if I take them

larrygrylls · 14/12/2014 18:21

MyTartan,

I think 'appropriateness' and 'dignity' are entirely inappropriate (in the correct sense of the word) terms to use about young children.

My 5 and 4 year old love taking their clothes off and showing off for the camera (jumping, splashing, pulling funny faces etc). It is imposing adult ideas on young children that makes no sense. Children are innocent and i find adults who find something creepy about naked children to themselves be a bit creepy.

Beangarda · 14/12/2014 18:22

As a PS to my last, my parents have numerous lovely naked bath and beach photos of me and my siblings from the 70s. But they're not passing them around large extended family gatherings and making remarks about my tits or labia having grown since I was a toddler.

feelingunsupported · 14/12/2014 18:23

another not a random adult on the street or someone who specifically stripped ds for a foto - no I wouldn't but it was a family member in what sounds like an innocent picture.

The op's dh was there - it's not just mothers who get to decide what is appropriate.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/12/2014 18:24

YANBU.

I have lots of pictures of my kids naked and see no issue at all with that. I wouldn't dream of having pictures of other people's kids naked.

If any of my kids are unhappy with the pics they just say and it will be shredded I certainly wouldn't allow anyone to use them in an attempt to ridicule them

mytartanscarf · 14/12/2014 18:24

I don't think naked children are creepy any more than nakedness is creepy.

Innocence simply means lack of awareness - so elderly people with dementia are not aware of societal norms, is it okay for me to take a picture of them on the toilet? People with learning disabilities the same: so I can snap away while they're in the bath?

Of course not. Yet because it's a child it's innocent and natural and anyone who objects is creepy and sees paedophiles around every corner and what is offensive about a naked child anyway?

I don't find children naked offensive or creepy - but I think by taking photographs of them in the situations outlined above you are taking advantage of that innocence and I don't like it.

Boomtownsurprise · 14/12/2014 18:25

I don't get the drama.

Your brother in law (let's be clear. Not random stranger) had photos of his nephew when a baby after his bath naked.

So far so normal.

You. 20 odd years later when boy is grown up see them.

So far so normal.

You take them back... So far so normal.

What isn't normal is the reason. As it was a) a pic of son and b) he was naked. 20yrs ago. Eh? I mean REALLY????

Someone's weird. It ain't your Bil.....

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 14/12/2014 18:26

No Larry, it's the knowledge that creepy men exist, and that they can be in our very close circle of friends and family, that should make people wary.

Bakeoffcakes · 14/12/2014 18:27

Those saying the Op is BU, would you be happy to leave a naked picture of your little girl with someone who said 'have her breasts got any bigger over the years?'

Evergreenredandblue · 14/12/2014 18:28

As it's a photo of your child, Yanbu.
If it were a pic of another person's/your host's child then ywbvu to do so.

ToffeeLatteplease · 14/12/2014 18:30

I wouldn't take the photo. I would have a discussion about the inappropriateness of the language

AlpacaYourThings · 14/12/2014 18:32

YANBU. I would have taken the photo back, too.

prettywhiteguitar · 14/12/2014 18:36

I would have said to Bil I don't like your tone thanks, can I have the photos ?

Creepy rude arse

GaryShitpeas · 14/12/2014 18:37

YANBU

i would not have found it at all funny and if this had happened to me as a young adult i would have been MORTIFIED and very angry

at best, not funny. at worst, its very odd

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 14/12/2014 18:38

I assume Larry's on a wind-up as usual, but I would love to have been in the room with a 24-year-old Larry when his uncle started waving a baby photo of his around, going "Look at his little penis!" and asking his mother if his endowment had improved any Grin

That's without even starting to imagine relatives showing pictures of a baby girl, saying "Look at her tiny vagina!"