give it to me straight - am I entitled over inheritance or are my parents selfish

[twoopsie]

To cut a long story short. My parents are very well off,dad is on a final salary pension and mum draws a state pension. They have a 5 bed Edwardian house in the south east, 2 buy to let flats owned outright, and from my dads side they inherited the family farm that is let out to four different people / businesses.

They have an income after tax of 8k a month and spend money stupidly. Dad bought a Mercedes purely to drive to the golf course as the clubs won't fit in the ferrari. 4 exotic holidays a year. Spend more on an extension than my whole house cost.

Anyway good for them but they have told me that they don't intend to leave me anything as they have earnt everything and want me to do the same. Firstly they haven't earnt everything as they inherited , mum has had state pension for more years than she worked and dad got to retire early on a final salary pension. They happy take extras like the free bus pass so the car won't get scratched in town and talk about using the winter fuel allowance to buy wine and claim theyve worked for this and are entitled to them.

Aibu to at least expect them to pass on what they were lucky enough to inherit?

Riverboat - If that were the case, one would have to ask why they felt that way? I don't know in this case, but whether or not the parents are being selfish, there seems to be a great deal of selfishness and greed coming from OP. A lot of judgemental opinion about how and what her parents should be doing with their assets, and very me, me, me, looking for posts to tell her she really is right and her parents are being unreasonable. The motivation here seems to be one of greed. I doubt OP will ever see it or understand.

My intention is to work my whole life and leave everything I manage to save to my children. If however I found my children to be greedy and of the mentality that they were entitled to what I had, and how I spent my money while I was still alive, then maybe I would have to reassess both the manner and values I had raised my kids to believe in, and what I did with my assets.

I can certainly see why OPs parents may have decided they wished to do with their assets what they wanted, and I definitely think it will have the effect of forcing the poster to reassess her value system.

OP, I won't ever inherit anything. My mother (we are estranged, so I will get bugger all anyway) & father are divorced & both live in council properties & earn a pittance with no savings or possessions (of any great monetary value) to speak of.

Their parents are long deceased. I may get something of sentimental value from my dad, but I will not get anything of any real value.

I don't even think about their lifestyles & what they do with their money, because it isn't my business. I don't see it as their responsibility to live their lives in such a way that I will benefit once they die.

I will do the same with my children...I will expect them to have a good work ethic & to make their way in this world without having to rely on anyone. If I have anything left to give them, they will definitely inherit it, but it won't be a farm, or a house (we rent) or buy to let flats, or oodles of money.

Life isn't actually like that, we don't sit & wait for someone to die so we can live on what they give us.

Sorry op, but you do sound very bitter & entitled. I suppose you don't mean to, but you seem to begrudge your parents their lifestyle, and the fact that they retired younger than average. It sounds like you seem to be expecting a regular contribution to your living expenses plus a nice healthy income once they pass away.

The only thing I can think about in relation to my father passing away is how fucking hard it will be, not how much he has left me.

It's more that, as a parent, I believe my kids are entitled to what I own. My girls are still children & I do agree with this, for now. BUT once they are earning & living out of home, my money is mine to use as I wish. I will help them if they need, but I am not going to sit on my arse, not having a life, so they can have everything I own once I have passed away. I do not begrudge my children one single cent right now but they won't have automatic rights to what I have once they are in their own homes & earning their own money.

I don't my children to think they are entitled to rely on me financially but I want them to know that if I can help them I will Agree!

I don't even think about their lifestyles & what they do with their money, because it isn't my business. I don't see it as their responsibility to live their lives in such a way that I will benefit once they die

This is exactly my view wrt my parents

Well twoopsie, you did ask for it straight. The only selfishness and entitlement I see is in your post, not your parents actions. They seem to be enjoying themselves very much as they are. You should be happy for them.

They're being pretty selfish if they inherited. They should at least be handing down the assets from that I think. My parents are a bit the same, they've had loads of help from one set of parents in particular and will most likely receive a lot more when the remaining parent passes but I'm not expecting that they'll leave us anything and they've never offered to help either (we've never asked though).

My MIL has made comments to me before - semi-apologetic, semi-joking - about the fact she and DH's stepdad have sold their property and are "spending their inheritance" DH couldn't care less. It's her money to do as she wishes with.

OP, have they given you any financial help at all? Uni fees? Wedding? House deposit? Etc

And I don't understand why the parents should leave what they inherited - presumably the person who left the money / assets left it to the parent because that was who they wanted to?! My nan has left all of her money to her children, not grandchildren - she could have, but she hasn't. So I don't expect my mum to leave me that inherited money. It's hers.

On the whole I think YANBU, at face value from what you've said your parents sound pretty selfish.

But with regards to a family farm/estate/business that has been passed down through the generations I think it gets to the point where the current owners are essentially care takers, and really shouldn't be able to just sell it off for their own frivolous lifestyle. In this cast where we're talking a family farm, if there is no one in the immediate descendants who are whiling or capable of working or managing said farm then I think it needs to be a whole family decision to sell it off and then all profits split equally between all living descendants.

I still don't understand where the money is going if not to you? Do they really intend to sell off the farm and all three properties in their lifetime to fund an extravagant lifestyle? Seems a bit OTT if your Dad is on a final salary pension. If there is anything left when the second of them passes away, have they said it will go to charity or something? Do you have siblings? If so, what do they think?

Op, please can you clarify whether they are saying you wont inherit in terms of them spending it all- "SKIing holiday" type thing, or whether they are specifically writing you out of their will and deliberately spending every last penny then leaving anything left to charity. There is a world of difference! If it is the former then yababitu to criticise them enjoying themselves, as there is very little chance they will be physically able to spend it all and you will inherit something, however small, eventually. If it is the second, then it is very hurtful, especially since you know they inherited.

On the pension front though, both my parents are on final salary civil service pensions, and they did not have to contribute a penny. You could choose to pay something like 1% for widow and children type death benefits, but the actual pension itself was a perk of the job! Sad to say they have buggered about reformed civil service pensions now though and my own non-final salary version costs me 9% ouch

did your parents scrimp and save to get where they were before the inherited farm? That is why my parents feel they have earned their sprawling mansion, so cannot bring themselves to live in a four bed detached near me(house prices are higher here). Because they started out with nothing and scrimped and saved to get on the housing ladder, then rode the house price bubble to their current country pad, they view those years of hardship as earning them their current situation. They don't see that two low level civil servants in their old jobs now would be unlikely to be able to end up in that situation, regardless of how much they scrimped and saved to get on the ladder, as that ship has sailed!

madness to fritter away the farm which is a family asset.

Yes it's important they enjoy the money but they seem a mix of lucky/materialistic/selfish.

It's not how I'd treat my children but I guess I'm not totally hedonistic

Its staggering that people who have benefited from the most generous pensions ever AND inherited land think they earned every penny of it.

It's staggering that they have no insight into how lucky they have been - and how difficult it is going to be for the next generation not only to buy a house but to retire.

They clearly have no comprehension of the finances of this country.

Of course they can do what they like. I wouldn't bother with them much though. Not only for being mean but for being thick.

I'll do everything I can to help secure my kid's future. Things are going to be so tough for them: it is my role to help them have the best start possible. So that they have a home. So that they can do a job they like and not just bust their guts in something they hate for fifty years.

This might be a very working class perspective (we've never had inheritances) but I can't begin to get my head around the alternative.

Given that the average nursing home fee's are £50,000 a year and they are moving the goal posts all the time as to what constitutes 'nursing' care and so what is provided by the state , I think anyone expecting an inheritance , might need to re think .

I'm getting confused. Is the family farm being let out or are they selling it? You have said both.

I would assume it is currently being let out but they plan to sell it hence have told OP not to expect to inherit it?

Maybe but it would be good if the op could clear it up. It makes quite a big difference to how I feel about this.

frumpet, my father died 2 weeks after the spent the last penny of his savings on his dementia care at home. Unlike £50k a year nursing home fees it was £130k a year for day and night care, needing two people at once by the end. His solicitor who does a lot of work with the elderly said £100k a year for day and night home care is the usual rate. Obviously cheaper if you do into a home but not as nice as in your own house. We were delighted he was able to die in his own home as he wanted to but it is not cheap. More and more people are going to have to get used to not inheriting due to costs of old age care. Also even if there is any left you have inheritance tax to pay which we had to pay on my mother's estate after my father died as he died fairly soon after her - that runs at 40%.

Its staggering that people who have benefited from the most generous pensions ever AND inherited land think they earned every penny of it.

It's staggering that they have no insight into how lucky they have been - and how difficult it is going to be for the next generation not only to buy a house but to retire.

This exactly. Another poster said it best how I fell, that the farm is a family asset and should be split if it is sold.

Farm is let out to four different businesses, but they do plan to sell everything before they die and die penny less.

Anyway I've had a sleep on it and I'm going to cancel their invite for Christmas dinner round mine. Wasn't looking forward to it and this has made my mind up. I work full time while trying to start up my own business, so it really isn't even a lie to say I don't have the time to do a big meal for them and my family. Although that will probably looIts staggering that people who have benefited from the most generous pensions ever AND inherited land think they earned every penny of it.

It's staggering that they have no insight into how lucky they have been - and how difficult it is going to be for the next generation not only to buy a house but to retire.

This exactly. My thoughts are the same as several pp that their inherited farm is a family asset. It is let out now to four different businesses but they plan to sell everything and die penniless.

Decided to sleep on it, but now I've decided to revoke their Christmas donner at mine, wasn't looking forward to it and angry with them anyway. This I guess will lose me most of the support on here but I feel like being selfish with this. Tbh its not even a lie saying I've not got the time, I work full time in a job I hate while trying to build up my self employed business .

Ah my deleted message wasn't deleted by my phone! And I mean dinner lol

Yanbu, I'm fuming on your behalf. It sounds very selfish and unfair for them to behave like this, sadly I don't think you're alone as there will always be a proportion of people who are very selfish, even with their own children.

If I were your parents I'd give my children the buy to let flats now, or the farm, so your lives are helped, it would still be possible for them to go on holidays etc with their pensions.

I don't blame you. Their attitude says they don't care about you. I would be considering what kind of relationship, if any, I would want to have with them.