give it to me straight - am I entitled over inheritance or are my parents selfish

[twoopsie]

To cut a long story short. My parents are very well off,dad is on a final salary pension and mum draws a state pension. They have a 5 bed Edwardian house in the south east, 2 buy to let flats owned outright, and from my dads side they inherited the family farm that is let out to four different people / businesses.

They have an income after tax of 8k a month and spend money stupidly. Dad bought a Mercedes purely to drive to the golf course as the clubs won't fit in the ferrari. 4 exotic holidays a year. Spend more on an extension than my whole house cost.

Anyway good for them but they have told me that they don't intend to leave me anything as they have earnt everything and want me to do the same. Firstly they haven't earnt everything as they inherited , mum has had state pension for more years than she worked and dad got to retire early on a final salary pension. They happy take extras like the free bus pass so the car won't get scratched in town and talk about using the winter fuel allowance to buy wine and claim theyve worked for this and are entitled to them.

Aibu to at least expect them to pass on what they were lucky enough to inherit?

They own a 5 bed house, two flats & a farm.

How likely is it that they couldn't afford care home fees??

Op were they mean to you when you were younger too?

Different people feel differently about this but I would hope to receive something from my parents when I lose them. I don't expect it but I do hope. To an extent many people benefit from their ancestors and your parents have been able to do what they do because presumably they knew what they were getting from their parents. It seems a shame to not share that benefit with the next generation. Relatively I earn a lot less than my siblings and far far less than my DF (DM was SAHM which I couldn't afford to be). However I do a more benevolent job that might be said of my siblings and DF and so what I lack in earnings I gain in knowing I'm doing something worthwhile. So in a sense I get 'paid' in warm fuzzy feelings! To an extent I can afford to do this because I believe I will receive a sufficient amount in future to sustain me in retirement without having to have mega earnings and putting away a mega pension. My siblings want the ability to sustain themselves now and therefore work in high paying jobs (with the stress and long hours that come with that). They have bigger houses and nicer cars at the moment and their inheritance will be icing on the cake rather than the actual cake for me IYSWIM. My DM spends a lot of money on holidays but she brought up 4 kids virtually single handedly (DF working long hours to earn said high salary) so I can't begrudge her. If there's nothing left then I will be in a difficult position but it will be one of my own making and I will have lived a happy life up until then.

I don't think YABU to want to inherit something if your parents inherited something off their parents as it's just sort of cascading it. But I think YWBBU if you chastised your parents for their spending. I would just suck it up and make plans that don't involve inheriting anything. Especially if you are young enough to make alternative retirement decisions. I agree I would be bothered but technically it's never actually been yours so you haven't technically lost anything.

No, you have no entitlement to be gifted what your parents have earned or come upon during their life. They may do with it as they wish, and you should respect that.

Now, if you had reason to suspect some third party was influencing their decisions, a close friend or another relative, then maybe there is something here worth looking at. But if this is just a case of believing you're entitled to it, that that is just greed. It's their money, their house, their cars, and they should be free to dispose of it as they will.

Not the choices I would make, but I do respect the rights of others to make their own choices.

Yanbu...if I died I would wish every penny I had to go to my children whether they were children or adults.

Thanks for some of your messages, this is getting too personal for me and really don't understand the point of view of some.

They have far more money a month coming in than most people could dream about. Fair enough they've been very very lucky.

But to sell of my great grandads farm (yes I still consider it his farm) and not pass it to the forth generation just to fund their indulgent, wasteful and unsustainable lifestlye disgusts me. They are not doing anything productive with the money that benefits anyone but themselves.

It is instinctive for me to want to help my children develop the qualities that will help them lead happy lives, hopefully that feel secure and free from poverty.

Today 18:29 Philoslothy

I plan to spend shitloads of money on round the world cruises and face lifts.

You sound very self obsessed. Friends !um died having a facelift BTW.

How exactly does this teach any life lessons? Housing, higher education and jobs are a world apart from previous generations. People just don't have the same opportunities.

I think it is a huge generalisation that people who expect to inherit are less ambitious and hard working.

I will expect my own children to be strong and independent too. I hope that the way I bring them up will teach them to have a good work ethic , to work hard and aim high.

But I hope that one day if I am in a position to help them financially, I will. Like I said, they won't be entitled to it but if I had lots of money I would want to help my children in any way I could. That's not to say I would keep them in a life of luxury without them working. It's not about that.

I don't expect or anticipate to inherit anything - in fact I know I won't. But if I did I wouldn't have worked any less or be less ambitious in life.

OP look at what happened to raltheraffe above - appalling - obviously your situation isn't on that scale but its still crap and I think most posters are of the same mind that if you can afford it you should help your children in any way you can. Sounds like your parents are just being mean unless there is something huge you aren't telling us.

If there is one thing this thread has highlighted its the very different principles and beliefs that people have around having children that I had no idea about till I came on Mumsnet - why have children and then not feel obligated to help them in any way you can until your last breath?

My children definitely lack the hunger for success that we had because their life is easy. We both were driven by a need to escape and that pushed us. My children have nothing to escape from and therefore knowing my children I don't think that expecting inheritance will do them any favours. If they need our help we will be there but they are starting from a much higher starting point than DH or I ever did.

Our DSS and eldest son are also much brighter than me and therefore have that going for them too.

Our eldest has special needs and we have plans in place if he should need them.

I see no need to apologise for wanting to travel when older. We are currently paying for my parents to do similar

No, I won't be living a life of misery just so that I can leave my children money. But I hope that I will make good choices that will benefit us all.

I don't think the op is expecting her parents to live a frugal existence so that they can stash all their money for her. I think that given their circumstances at the moment and the fact that they are leading such comfortable lifestyles (understatement!) that have come about due to them being left money, the op is simply surprised that they won't be leaving her anything.

If it was a choice of me buying a £100,000 car and paying for my grand kids to go to uni? I would buy a nice car that costs less and help them out. Win win.

Maybe my attitude comes from the fact that I don't come from a background that leaves inheritance. It is genuinely an alien concept to me.

Given a choice between giving my children who have benefitted already a great deal extras and helping my family who have had no advantages I would choose my siblings/ parents.

If it was a choice between the tax payer funding my care or leaving a lump sum to my children, I would choose the former.

With the exception of my son with whom I have made many mistakes I cannot imagine that they could have had a better start to life.

Sorry phrased that badly I would rather that I paid for my own care than expecting the over stretched public purse to do so, even if that means less or no inheritance

"the op is simply surprised that they won't be leaving her anything."

But I don't think it's clear if this is just something that they have said.

also, OP has put that the farm is being let out & then has also put that they have sold it.

"But to sell of my great grandads farm (yes I still consider it his farm) and not pass it to the forth generation just to fund their indulgent, wasteful and unsustainable lifestlye disgusts me"

that's a really vitriolic comment tbh.

Surely how they live is up to them?

Perhaps her obvious contempt is why they say that they will leave her nothing?

So what does their will see? If they died tomorrow who would inherit? That's the only point that matters.

Yanbu op, it sounds very hurtful. But i do not believe they will be able to get through all the assets you mention, and would have to be pretty sure of their expiry date to do so, so i am sure at least their house will be left when they go, even if they have sold and spent everything else. You haven't been clear whether they would then leave that to the cats home, or if they are just planning to spend it all.

i sympathise as i have early retiring baby boomer parents myself, and do get frustrated by their attitude that they cant possibly leave their massive sprawling mansion, because they earned it- through well timed moves and house price inflation, rather than high flying careers.

and in their case they did not have to contribute to their final salary pensions. I am in the same job but now have to contribute 9% and my pension is no longer final salary!

Well on the face of it I do think they sound quite mean really. I would understand if you didn't work and had been living on handouts from them, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I'd be really hurt if my parents were essentially telling me they deserve everything they have, and the reason I don't have all that and won't be getting it from them is because I don't deserve it as much as they did.

From what people are saying, it seems as though the consensus is that parents should have their free choice to do with their assets as they wish suspended in favour of their children.

Why do we as children believe we are entitled to what our parents own?

The very fact that we believe we have this entitlement/right to what our parents have, is to my mind both greedy and selfish.

If my parent choose to pass their house on to me, I will be grateful. If they choose to pass it to me only, and neglect my sister, I will take my own view on that after their passing and redress the balance.

But I am neither entitled to, nor expect them to give me, what they own. And I will definitely teach that type of mentality onto my children.

I think YABVU. It is never anyone's right to expect to inherit anything, whether it is the family farm, houses, money whatever. Your parents worked presumably and paid their NI same as the rest of us, as well as contributing to a pension. It is entirely their right to spend it on whatever they want, and use bus passes or whatever to ease things further. Equally they don't know when they are going to die and might want to build assets in case they live till their 90s.

Until these things are means tested they are entitled to a bus pass and to a winter fuel allowance, and any other benefits they receive. Their language is not overly pleasant perhaps, but there are far worse things being done than spending a winter fuel allowance on nice wine!

Your parents have said not to expect anything possibly to prevent you sitting around waiting for them to die or to make you independent. Your message reads exactly that - like you are annoyed at not getting some form of asset once they pass away and you have been expecting it. That's not nice. Imagine knowing your family were just waiting for you to pop your clogs and that's the only reason they are pleasant to you.

Wills and inheritance are corrupting. I've seen too many terrible family fallouts because of it on my side. Don't get caught up in it. Expect nothing and just enjoy the time you have with your family without material crap getting in the way.

elephant - if my parents really wanted to spend all their money on themselves for their own pleasure before they died, I wouldn't begrudge them that. Or if they wanted to give to charities and causes that meant something to them. But if they just expressly didn't want ME to have any of their money or assets, and that was in fact their primary motivation for spending them all, I'd definitely be really hurt.

They are not doing anything productive with the money that benefits anyone but themselves.

And you think they should give you the money so it will benefit you instead? I see.

I am also in a situation where I won't inherit. No one in my family has ever inherited anything other than maybe a few hundred pounds.

I suppose I don't believe that adults should expect money from their parents but as a parent it just seem like the most obvious thing in the world to want to help my children financially if I can. So while, as an adult, I don't expect any financial assistance from my parents, as a parent it is something that I would 100% want to do and would make me think twice about big decisions like the op's parents selling the farm.

Why do we as children believe we are entitled to what our parents own?

It's more that, as a parent, I believe my kids are entitled to what I own.

And it's a struggle to understand the mindset of someone who doesn't think that TBH.

I don't want my children to think that once they are adults that they can rely on me financially .

I don't my children to think they are entitled to rely on me financially but I want them to know that if I can help them I will