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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step son right wing views

156 replies

Oldguardianreader · 14/12/2014 08:48

Name changed ... Nice ham... Lemon drizzle etc.

Step son back from uni. He's always been confident and opinionated. His views are really to my mind very anti Muslim. E.g. Islam hates everything this country holds dear, majority of paedophiles in organised rings are Muslim, why do 'they' live in this country if they don't want to be like us. It's like going down the pub with the local ukip party.

. I'm an unreconstructed old style guardian reader and find this all quite shocking. So far am biting my tongue, changing the subject and leaving the room to avoid engaging. Aibu to not challenge him in the interests of family harmony?

He's dh's precious first born who can do no wrong. And, when not on his favourite topic is quite charming company.

OP posts:
flippinada · 14/12/2014 10:01

"But i bloody hate the way people on the left claim being offended as a way to shut down views they dont agree with"

Sorry, but what does this even mean? This young man clearly isn't having his views shut down, is he, because he keeps expressing them.

People are entitled to hold whatever fatuous opinions they like on any subject you care to name but others aren't obliged to tolerate or agree with them.

MellowAutumn · 14/12/2014 10:10

We don't all vere to the left as we get older and supposedly wiser - if anything demographics show we get more right wing. Either engage him or let him have his views the same way you have yours - there is a sense of entitlement and moral high ground to your op - even the labour party have agreed that they fucked up over immigration.

kim147 · 14/12/2014 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Oldguardianreader · 14/12/2014 10:13

Cheers for the flowers ... First ever mumsnet flowers!

I think I'm shocked by the views not upset. He's not an easy person to have a rational calm argument with as he is a bit steam roller frankly. Also as he is pfb there's a general family kind of 'oh, that's just his way' with an element of familial fondness that I don't automatically feel.

I'm the most left wing in the family although younger step son is looking to overtake me. He went to a state school if that makes any difference and in this case I think it did (disclaimer my siblings and I were all privately educated and are pretty left wing).

Oh and I was using guardian reader as a shorthand for the kind of liberal leftie I am.

I don't want to start a big row over Christmas but I do wonder if a quiet word is in order to prevent him getting his head kicked in when he goes off to the big city to work...?

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 14/12/2014 10:22

I wouldn't have a quiet word-I'd just ask him to expand on his views and counter argue/discuss. Not in a riling up way, just to show how grown adults can discuss things, listen, respect others views and still get along.

UrbaneLandlord · 14/12/2014 10:25

This thread seems to be based on the arrogant premise that there is (or should be) a relationship between intellect (or educational advancement) and leftwing liberalism.

There is no mention that OP's stepson "hates muslims". That would be problematic and a concern to most people.

What the OP's stepson does seem to be suggesting is that there is a duty on muslims in the West to adopt Western values (not just the other way round).

It is, of course, the case that most child abuse occurs within the family; not from outside predators. However, there has been a number of recent cases of predatory child abuse from sections of the "muslim community". Worse still, this abuse has continued unchallenged for years because the "leftwing liberal" ideology of the authorities refused to acknowledge the reality.

One thing that amazes me about the liberal left is how uncritical they are about many muslim societies across the world, many of whom are extremely repressive to women and have the most appalling records on human rights. Sadly, the same applies to many "moderate" muslim communities; all too often their silence makes them "irrelevant" to the awful crimes perpetuated by "extreme militant" muslim groups across the world today.

kim147 · 14/12/2014 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyBoldRibena · 14/12/2014 10:31

I'd probably counter with 'it's just so easy to be anti Muslim - it's the populist view of the day. A bit like the spice girls were. Why not share with us an original idea you have?'

ocelot41 · 14/12/2014 10:32

Oh I have one of those Kim Wink

Like spouting off to me about the 'harm' immigrants do to this country whilst conveniently ignoring that I am married to one and our DS has dual citizenship (and we are very keen that he understands the richness of his cultural heritage, on both sides). Happy days...

Tron123 · 14/12/2014 10:34

I think it is difficult when anyone in the family has different views on key issues and it is always a dilemma whether to challenge. Personally for the sake of argument I would avoid this issue where possible and if it did come up merely say that I had different views and that we were all entitled o our own, if asked about mine I would explain but avoid argument. This may sound a cop out but challenging on a principal does not help day to day harmony

mrsruffallo · 14/12/2014 10:38

He's just got different views to you. I doubt he is so anti-muslim as you describe, just anti extremist

You could challenge him. I argue with my niece who has very left wing views and supports ed milliband. You can't choose your family.

Original poster
Oldguardianreader · 14/12/2014 10:39

Torn. You've hit the nail on the head. I don't like his views but really don't think anything is to be gained by challenging.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldguardianreader · 14/12/2014 10:41

I do fully respect his right to have views that differ from my own. I think he is prejudiced he thinks I'm an unrealistic woolly leftie.

OP posts:
MellowAutumn · 14/12/2014 10:43

so what's your problem ?

ClashCityRocker · 14/12/2014 10:46

I don't think there is anything wrong with challenging his views. A bit of healthy debate never harmed anyone and actually it might be beneficial for your stepson to feel that his views are being 'heard' and that you as parents have an opinion on the same things he does, albeit a different one.

I once heard someone describe uni as a 'testing ground for the real world'. I think it's quite normal for young adults of that age to gravitate towards the more extreme sides of either left or right wing viewpoints; I suspect that they feel more accomplished being able to have a 'strong viewpoint' - more adult maybe - but without the long term thinking. when I was 19 I thought I was Che Guevara

WeThreeKeemasofOrientNaan · 14/12/2014 10:49

Challenge him. Let him know you don't agree. If no one ever challenges him when he's spouting off his bollocks then he'll go on thinking everyone agrees with him.

Sounds like ripe fodder for the UKIP tossers to be frank.

NameChange30 · 14/12/2014 10:51

I would say something short and sweet and then drop it. You don't want an argument but equally I think you should say SOMETHING. It sounds like he is making a generalisation about Muslims, fine if he objects to extremism but it sounds like he is claiming that all Muslims are extremists, which is of course not the case. He is being racist IMO.

RojaGato · 14/12/2014 10:52

Mrs Ruffallo If you think supporting Ed Milliband makes someone very left wing you've led a sheltered life...

ocelot41 · 14/12/2014 10:58

Ed Miliband really left-wing? Mwah hah hah hah....I am a socialist me, and proud Smile

flippinada · 14/12/2014 10:59

I think Ed Milliband being very left wing most shocking opinion I've read on this thread roja!

flippinada · 14/12/2014 10:59

*is the most shocking

MaryWestmacott · 14/12/2014 11:09

You say you are a guardian reader and he's good at winning an argument, there could well be an element of deliberately winding you up. (My Uncle might well do exactly the same with my 'old labour' mum, his sister, its deliberate, particuarly because he knows he's better at winning an argument than she is!)

When is he bringing these things up? I would just stop him with "you're always banging on about Muslims, you know you sound like one of those old farts at a golf club don't you? Why do you keep going on about it?" let him rant a bit more follow by "yes, but why do you keep going on about it to me? Do you think I'm a secret Muslim convert, or at risk from these devious Muslims and you're trying to save me? Why do you think I want to know?"

Next time "still on about the pesky Muslims again dear?"

Don't rise to it, I bet you are, even if you aren't having a go at him, I bet your shock is written all over your face.

A lot of '80s student politics' was rebelling against the norms of middle class, middle aged political view points, he's doing the same back to you. And getting a reaction. Stop giving him a 'shock' reaction.

MarianneSolong · 14/12/2014 11:19

I think this is a classic 'stepmum' problem. Really it's about whether you and your partner have some common ground over the extent to which it's acceptable to hold forth in a strident way, which may not be agreeable to somebody whose home it is.

It's about social skills. If everyone enjoys engaging in a lively debate where the participants views range widely over the political spectrum, then it's fine.

However, if there's a family member who prefers to move on to topics which are less contentious, and where there's a higher level of mutual agreement, that should be respected.

If your partner thinks his lovely son should be able to hold forth about how UKIP is what this country needs while munching the roast potatoes you've cooked for him, I think there's a problem. (One which could be addressed by saying, 'Please shut up now, I've had more than enough of this. But you're welcome to continue the discussion while doing the washing up with anyone else who wants to pursue this fascinating topic')

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 14/12/2014 11:22

simontowers - have you actually read the thread?

The OP is not "shutting down" or "not allowing" her stepson's views or "being offended" by them. She disagrees with them. She is asking if she should keep the peace in her own home - or challenge him to a debate.

It's a boring common conservative tactic to accuse anyone who challenges your world view as trying to "shut down free speech" or being 'professionally offended". But it's bollocks, having an opinion doesn't grant you immunity from disagreement or dissent or challenge. And nobody has to give you a platform for it. The OP could say 'we don't talk politics in this house' or she could say "I disagree with you because of X and Y" - that is REALLY not the same as shutting down opinion.

It also doesn't sound like the SS is disagreeing with the Islamic record on women's rights. Anti-Islamists have often used 'women's rights' as a veil for their unpleasant and racist views - Christopher Hitchens for example - when in fact their own views on women are fairly obnoxious. FWIW there are plenty of Muslim feminists who challenge patriarchy and champion women's rights within their own cultures. They don't need white male saviours with invented bogeyman to 'help' them.

whattheseithakasmean · 14/12/2014 11:35

You think you have it bad? You should have tried living in Scotland during Indyref when half my family had a completely opposite view to the other half.

You know what? I didn't fall out with any of them. I love my family and I'm not going to let politics spoil my family relationships. Actions speak louder than words, for me. I judge behaviour, not political views as you get nice and nasty people of every political stamp.

I rather think you are not that keen on your step son in the first place. I bet if it was your son you could be more indulgent of his right to hold his own views, even if they didn't correspond to yours.