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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about BIL? Or are we in the wrong?

156 replies

Livingtothefull · 13/12/2014 12:30

We have a DS (13 years) who is severely disabled, has severe learning difficulties & is confined to a wheelchair. A few months ago we went to visit my DSis and BIL in their house. They had just been on holiday and were talking to my DS about it.

My BIL gave DS some things about the holiday to look at…to be honest I don't recall what these items were but believe they includedbooks and maps about the country they had been to. Apparently (BIL claims) among these were a couple of books that he wanted to loan to DS. He has now indicated to us that he wants them back.

This all started when BIL called a few weeks ago and spoke to me. He mentioned both the titles by name/author & asked if I could give them back to him when we saw them next. I said I couldn't recall the titles & he was adamant that we had them so I said I would look. We had a look & all I could find was a map of the country they had been to, nothing else.

A couple of weeks later my Dsis spoke to me about them & I confirmed I wasn't able to find them. I explained that it is very difficult to keep track of everything as we are so busy & DS was travelling constantly between home, school & therapy; but to the best of my knowledge we didn't have the books. SIL said not to worry & there was a good chance that we had never had them & that BIL had form for wrongly claiming other people had books of his which then turned out to have been on his bookshelves all along.

What has really upset us today is that we have received their Christmas card addressed to DS, sent since the conversation with Dsis. BIL has written in the card on the left hand side opposite the greeting: 'Please ask your Mummy to find/give back these books (listing titles/authors/publication dates)'.

DH is absolutely livid & said I am lucky he doesn't get straight on the phone to have it out with DSis and BIL. He wanted to burn the card but we have compromised & put it away in a drawer, I don't particularly want it out on display.

To be honest, I don't remember what BIL gave DS, also I didn't know that BIL was so anxious to have the items back. I am not excusing this but people often give things to DS to look at/play with, & I am assuming that people would not lend things to a disabled child that they would need to have back; only things they would have no further use for. I don't even remember the word 'lend' being used. I don't feel that we can take responsibility for such things as we have a lot on our plates (both DH and I work full time as well as caring for our DS and we both have health issues of our own).

I certainly don't remember BIL saying that he would definitely need the books back as they were precious to him; if he had, I would probably have refused to take them & told him that I wouldn't want to take responsibility for these. I assumed that BIL would understand not to entrust precious things to a child but then BIL and DSis don't have children.

I am feeling really upset now. We are due to see the whole family on Xmas day and I am worried that BIL will start on again about the books. I want to have a nice day not for us to be harangued about this. I could offer to pay for the books but I am not sure if we ever even had them & DH is strongly against us having to do this. BIL seems to consider them as precious/irreplacable anyway don't want to complain to my DM as don't want to drag her into this, she is elderly….so I don't know quite how to handle this.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 14/12/2014 22:32

I totally get it. Is there anyone you can talk to in RL about things? Someone you can be totally honest with? It's sounds like you've been bottling a lot of things up.

Sometimes it's the silliest things that can tip you over the edge, but this is just so totally arrogant and insensitive of BIL. A book your DS can't read about a holiday he can probably never experience.

Take care. And don't let anyone belittle your feelings. This matters because it is about so much more than a book.

pictish · 14/12/2014 22:32

With the utmost kindness OP, I think it's important that you get some perspective about this. You can't realistically be crying for two days over some misplaced books that someone mistakenly thinks you've got.
You mustn't allow it to upset you so much. xxx

wiltingfast · 14/12/2014 23:08

Look, the man is clearly a precious arse. But you are also really overreacting. Not doubt because of your own separate pressures.

There is absolutely no need for you to be devastated or weeping around the house about this. It is not actually your problem.

I personally would not get into long emails/texts/justifications/ about it. I'd communicate in simple clear resolute way that you do not have the books. I'd say to him that he is free to come and look for them himself if he wants.

Then I'd ring dsis and say you're under huge pressure, can't cope with demands for a book you don't have and would she please make sure her dh understands you do not want to hear any more about it.

In the end of the day a bil is quite removed really. I don't think you should be extrapolating so much from his behaviour in this incident. He's just a bil. And an arse of a one at that. It does not have any wider meaning than that.

CariadsDarling · 15/12/2014 04:12

Dear OP, just came to post and offer you a shoulder to put your head on, and a big cuddle.

It's hard, isn't it? And then you get some bloody Buffoon hitting you right where it hurts and it just kind of knocks you sideways for a wee while because of what it can stir up in you.

We get told all this nonsense about special children for special people and the reality is we're just bloody human like everyone else.

Take another couple of days to get things out of your system because this is about more than the books and be ready for when your BIL comes back so you can say - we do not have the books, end of discussion.

Xxxx

MrsBigginsPieShop · 15/12/2014 04:24

Can't you just telephone BIL yourself, say very firmly you never took the books, and say the card was upsetting and a bit thoughtless? Why all the worry? There has been a misunderstanding and the quickest way to sort it out and ensure an issue free Christmas Day is to have an adult conversation i.e direct and honest. I can see you are upset OP but I really don't understand why it needs to blight your entire Christmas.

musicalendorphins2 · 15/12/2014 04:53

For Pete's sake, you don't have the book, if you had lost them, you would have acknowledged and reimbursed him. Tell them conversation about the book is over. And to never "lend" your son anything again.
It is a bloody book, what is wrong with your BIL?

Give him this for Christmas.

GoodKingQuintless · 15/12/2014 07:57

Would you not have noticed your son bringing books with him to the car?

Cerisier · 15/12/2014 08:08

I do understand why you are so upset at these accusations and I would be too.

The fact they come from people who should be looking out for you, behaving in a helpful way and caring for you and DS is unbelievable.

As sykadelic and others have said he's obviously wrong with his "facts" as it makes no sense to loan such precious books to a child who could not read them.

I hope BIL backs down and apologises before Christmas. If he can afford the Canaries and is retired he has the time and money to look round second hand book shops to find copies of the book.

Littleturkish · 15/12/2014 08:16

Call your sister- who cares if they're on holiday? She nor BIL care about bothering you at inappropriate times.

You do not have the books. Do not mention them again. End of discussion. Then hang up.

I'm getting the rage just thinking about his stupid 'mystery deepens' who gives a flying fuck??

clam · 15/12/2014 08:26

I think that his "the mystery deepens" comment just highlights the fact that he has no idea of the impact his obsession is having on you. He's fixated on locating these bloody books and thinks you're the key to it, but has airbrushed out of his mind the fact that you're stressed up to the eyeballs with everything else that's going on for you.

Which makes him an arse, of course. I would reply with what others have suggested and then try your best to shut him out of your mind.

Aaaabbbbcccc · 15/12/2014 08:32

Im angry for you too OP - if they can afford to go to the Canaries they can afford to replace the books. Who cares about his tedious personal annotations - I vouch only he will find those truly fascinating. This is not a decent man - poor dsis and poor everyone else within a 10 mile radius of him.

RedToothBrush · 15/12/2014 09:12

My first thought was the same as GoodKingQuintless about dementia. Especially when I saw he was retired, he'd done this previously and that it seems he's got confused over the date too. Even the fact that the card itself was rude and inappropriate sounds symptomatic.

Has your BIL behaved like this in the past or is it generally out of character?

If its seemingly different to he has been in the past, then the tactful conversation I'd be having with your sister wouldn't be about the book.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 15/12/2014 20:57

Thank you all. I take on board what some of you have said re overreacting and yes I know you are right…..there is a lot of longstanding upset coming out over this. I don't actually think that any malice was intended. I feel calmer today, being back at work has helped too.

I am moving towards celebrating Xmas as planned but will try to get some guarantees that we will not discuss or mention this matter on the day. I do hope we get some kind of resolution before then though.

OP posts:
Malabrigo · 15/12/2014 21:10

Just express yourself OP. tell them how much stress you are feeling. But font link that to the books thing, or it will look like you're just trying to win an argument.

Share your burdens with people who want to help you.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 15/12/2014 21:37

Thanks Malabrigo. The problem with feeling better is that I start to doubt myself, & worry whether I have got this all wrong & my upset wasn't justified. I think I do give others some info about what this is like to go through but there is only so much it is possible for others outside the situation to understand.

OP posts:
APlaceInTheWinter · 15/12/2014 22:02

Living I think you're right that others can't really understand but the more you share, the greater the chance that they'll appreciate the stress you are under.
Personally I think your response was disproportionate to what happened but I have been there where the slightest upset can tip you into tears. Could you possibly find some time for yourself to replenish your batteries eg a respite day, a day trip, an appointment with a counsellor, whatever you think would help you to find a little break from the pressure you are so obviously under. Thanks

WandaFuca · 15/12/2014 23:08

Please don't doubt yourself - your upset was entirely justified.

I understand it can be difficult for others to realise the stress of parenting a child with special needs, but (and I don't mean to sound harsh) it must be pretty obvious to your family that your son needs a lot of care. Of course you just keep on keeping on - that's what parents of SN children do. But it's probably time that you made it clearer what your daily life, with all its stresses, is like.

Whether your BIL is capable of getting a clue depends on whether he can think beyond himself and his own wants - which I'd be doubtful of.

MidniteScribbler · 16/12/2014 05:51

Quite frankly, I think he's full of shit. For one thing, no one who owns a precious out of print book is going to lend it to anyone, particularly not a child. And secondly, I would be very surprised is said precious rare out of print book would get written in. Genuine book lovers just don't generally do that with their most valued items in their collections.

lisylisylou · 16/12/2014 06:10

Oh my god what a petty arse your bil is! What the bloody hell does he think he's doing? First he gives your child books and maps and then turns around and says later on that he loaned them to your child? Then he gets upset because they're lost but he doesn't know himself who he's loaned them to and starts blaming your child for losing them? Seriously?? What planet is he on? When he gave the books over he should have said to you or your husband at the time which would have then given you both a get out clause!! I guarantee they're not in your house and if he valued his prize possessions he would lend them out so frequently! Just let your husband at this one and don't get upset - you've enough on your plate

CheerfulYank · 16/12/2014 06:30

How bizarre of him!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/12/2014 07:31

You are not being unreasonable and you are not over reacting.
Your BIl is being unreasonable. He might have the beginnings of a condition or some such that makes this likely, but it is his problem. Not yours, not your DSIS.
Your DH did not escalate this. Your BIl was utterly unreasonable to put such a thing in a card to his nephew. Although I agree with pp that your DH should have spoken woth BIl and not DSIS, she is not responsible for him.
Upthread Quietsbatmobile suggested "shutting this down" I agree.
All the best Brew

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/12/2014 07:32

Oh and shred the card.

Jill2015 · 16/12/2014 10:44

I was just going to say pretty much what ThererealAmanda said.

So I'm not going to say anymore except YANBU.

biggles50 · 16/12/2014 16:47

I would turn the Xmas card he sent inside out and display it so you and others can have a good laugh. I would then turn the place upside down and search for the books. Even check the car. Everywhere. Then if you don't find them tell him how distressed you are about the situation as you know how anxious he is for his books. Then ask him to search his house just to make sure. If the books don't emerge replace them. You've saved the day and the relationship. If the books are found in his house he'll look even more of a dick. That's what I would do.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 16/12/2014 18:23

Dont waste any more time on this. You have enough to do. Even if he did give the books to your Ds as a loan (unlikely imo) it was his "mistake". It seems that neither you nor your DS asked for these books. I wouldnt bother looking for them. They are books. You don't need or deserve the stress. This situation was not of your making. I agree you should insist that the books were never in DS's possession, because I think that is the most likely scenario and if it were not then your BiL was careless.